Confronting someone with a drink problem

whattosay

Firstly sorry about the crappy AE name. :rolleyes:

I basically need to talk to someone who is an alcoholic but when previously confronted by family won't admit it, and then goes off on one. I think these previous attempts are when she's drunk so I intend to do it when she's sober.

Can anyone advise me about what to say? I'm not going to tell her what to do, or she has to do this or that, I just want to tell her I know she has a problem and I want to help and support her.

I guess I'm asking the impossible in what can I say to make her admit she has a problem?

Does anyone have any experience of this? Will she know she has a problem or is it possible she genuinely doesn't think she does?

She's had to deal with a lot of crap in her life and I only feel sorry for her. She's ill and needs help but her family don't know what to do. There is a baby involved aswell and while she's not neglected as such, she's not getting the upbringing she should as well as the obvious dangers to her safety. I don't mean that in a bad way, but for example she's more likely to drop her or spill something hot on her kind of way!

I'm just not sure what to say, or what not to say! :undecided

hulagirl79

Hi
I am not sure i can be of any real help so hopefully someone will come along soon who can help. My dad was/is an alcoholic, various people have tried to get him help over the years but he does not accept he has a problem or want help. Well done for trying to be there for her.
The only thing i can suggest is to try to stay as calm as possible whatever she says, lay out the facts as fuss free as you can and be as unconfrontaional as you can, As she is likely to get defensive whatever you say.
good luck and i hope it goes well for you.
x

feelinggood_2

Tough situation Whattosay.

Do you have any recovering alcoholic friends? In my experience, only an alcoholic can really talk to an alcoholic. We tend to go on the defensive when 'normies' comment!

I've only been on this side of the fence, so don't really have any advice.

Perhaps get in touch with Al-Anon: http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

With regards to her being in denial, its a strange thing. For years, I ignored the obvious signs that I was an alcoholic. I had so many reasons why I wasn't an alkie. She may genuinely not think she has a problem. We tend to admit to ourselves that we have a problem long before we are comfortable talking to other people about it.

Perhaps just give her the AA contact details and tell her that if she thinks she has a problem, you'll be there for her and will help in any way you can. http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

whattosay

feelinggood wrote: »

Do you have any recovering alcoholic friends? In my experience, only an alcoholic can really talk to an alcoholic. We tend to go on the defensive when 'normies' comment!

No afraid (or not) I don't.

The only reason I'm trying is that she's talked to me before about some of the stuff she's been through before where she hasn't felt she's been able to talk to her family.

:undecided

belfastgirl23

I really don't think there's any mileage in telling her you think she's an alcoholic - I reckon you'll end up in a situation where she cuts you off and refuses to have anything to do with you.

The only thing you can really do is get her to admit she's feeling unhappy/under stress and try to get her to reflect on her drinking. It tends not to make someone admit they're alcoholic but might make them more aware of how much they're drinking and get them to cut down a bit.

Sorry to be so negative, I've had long experience over the years of this exact issue and now I pretty much take the view it's more important to keep my nose out. then again maybe I'm totally wrong sorry just giving a personal point of view

Good luck in any case - it is really awful watching someone you love killing themselves slowly....

sarymclary

Hi,
I would contact Al-Anon, and get some info on local alcoholic support groups, so that if your friend does confide in you that she feels she does have a problem controlling her drinking, then you can offer some support and advice to help her.

From my experience of living with an alcoholic, they do denial really well. Admitting they have a problem would mean having to confront, control and give up the one thing they crave, want and need. Drinking becomes the one thing they think about, plan and want. Unless there is a genuine desire to want to stop drinking, basically because they know their life is going downhill fast as a result of it, and needs to improve, there is little chance of the person drinking giving up for good.

As there is a child involved, I do think you owe it to yourself to have at least tried to offer help, even if it's only on a practical level of babysitting so that she can attend meetings. If you can get her to go along to her GP to seek guidance and advice, that's another point of contact who could get her professional help. There are limited places on rehab schemes, but having a child may give her a place, but they look for genuine intention to quit.

Unfortunately, not everyone wants 'saving', even from themselves, and can't face a life without their crutch. It is a horrible thing to stand by helplessly watching someone poison themselves to death with alcohol.

Your paramount concern here has to be for the child involved, and if you consider there is any chance they may be at risk, you must involve the local authorities. Unfortunately your friend wouldn't be the first alcoholic to lose their family, and children as a result of their addiction.

Good luck, and your friend is lucky to have someone who cares enough to try to help her.

MrsTinks

Hmmmm as this is an issue in my family too then I guess I can say with reasonable confidence that unless they can see they have an issue then no - it won't matter what you say. I've had to be a little harsh and say that the person I know will not be allowed access to any of my future children until the problem is resolved... I'm not placing my children in danger as you say from a reduced awareness rather than intentional harm. End off.
That seemed to make an impact for a while and resulted in a stay at a place for addicts... sadly it didn't last and they are back to drinking again...
I wonder if now that I'm pregnant and the prospect of being denied access is becoming more real things might change but I am not holding my breath...
If you genuinely feel the baby is in danger however - even if unintentional - then please please please do something! Report it to social services if need be. I'm sorry but your friends feelings in my eyes come second to the baby's safety! But that is a judgement call only you can make...

seven-day-weekend

Sorry to hijack, but I have a similar dilemma with a friend of mine who's health is rapidly going downhill because of smoking.

Like the alcoholic, she too is in denial; in fact when a young non-smoker whom we both knew died recently she said 'See? It doesn't make any difference!'

She is breathless when she talks, can't climb the hills in our village without stopping several times, and she also chain smokes in the house so is in a smoky atmosphere all the time. I did suggest once that she only smoked outside (so at least when she hasn't got a fag in her mouth she can be in a clean atmosphere), but she just said she'd be outside all the time so what's the point??:eek:

I do know as an ex-smoker myself that unless you want to give it up then you won't.

Like the OP, I'm wanting to help her .

Does anyone think I should say anything and if so what?

snipzychick

My ex- husband is a recovering alcoholic, and at the time of our marriage was in complete denial about the extent of his alcohol problem. In my experience confronting usually ended with anger and denial and was a waste of time.

Your friend may not want to accept she even has a problem. And unless she does this and genuinely wants to get the help to stop drinking nothing you can do or say will make any difference. My ex lost our marriage, contact with our son, his career, his home and caused some damage to his health and still continued to drink for another 12 years! It was very sad to see so I do understand your feelings of concern.

As others have said try al-anon for some information they help friends and family of alcoholics.

If you are genuinely concerned for the safety of the baby you really need to contact social services.

Your friend is very lucky to have a friend like you.