why do i feel like this ?

squidge60

i cant put everything on here for different reasons but was hopeing someone can relate to this or have ideas why .yrs ago i had a massive fallout with my parents instead of support and understanding i got a very very nasty letter (recorded delivery to make sure i got it) and after much thought and soulsearching decided to have nothing more to do with them.so why oh why now i know my father is in hospital and they can do no more for him do i feel so so upset.i just dont get it and feel my tears and sorrow are so not deserved but i cant help it.

nearlyrich

Only you can decide if you want to give it one more go, if you really want to and you don't you will spend the rest of your life feeling bad, if you get another knock back at least you will know in your heart that you tried.

Not an easy situation and one I am sure many people on here have experience of, I don't personally but I empathise as I know what you are missing.

ameliarate

Of course you feel sad he is your father after all.
I am sure you feel very awkward, but If you want to go and see him and feel difficult about also seeing your mother it might be worth ringing the ward he is on and speaking to the Ward sister to explain the situation to find out if there is a time you could go when your mum wont be there.
On the other hand perhaps now is the time to try and make up with both of them? Clearly I don't know the circumstances of your falling out or how long ago it was but this is an opportunity to sort things out if it is possible.

Mely

Ive been through the same thing with my father, and had to cut him out of my life as i couldnt take him hurting me anymore (self preservation i suppose). I dont know how i would feel in your situation although deep down i know i still love my dad. I think as has already been said that you should try one more time, and if you get rejected at least you have some peace of mind that you tried.
Thinking of you (((hugs)))

sarymclary

I have a similar situation with my family. Both my parents are still alive, although very elderly, but I've not had any contact with them for 15 years. Whilst there are different reasons for not seeing my mother, from my father, the upshot is that I have had to cut both of them out of my life. I have siblings who still see them, and have taken responsibility for their care now that they are ailing, but they have said in the past that they did their visits out of guilt and duty, altho' I don't doubt there is an element of love there too. For me, I couldn't be hypocritical about matters, and pretend everything was OK, when it really wasn't. So, I've had to be the spanner in the works who acts as a perpetual reminder that they can't hide some nasty things under the carpet to everyone.

I wonder if you have given much thought over the years to the prosepct of your parents' death? Had you considered how you were going to feel before? If not, then you are beginning to go through a natural grieving process. For me I gave it much thought years ago, and grieved for the relationship I had, and was not going to have. I made my decision to not see them based on the fact that if 'anything' happened to them in the future, I could face that with a clear conscience, and deal with it. So, I suppose my parents 'died' in my head/heart several years ago. I would not attend any funeral in the future, and will not contemplate a last minute death bed chat with either of them, if it were requested.

I have been under pressure in the past from my siblings to let bygones be bygones, but to do so would have gone against my own values to please them, and to be true to myself meant more. It hasn't caused a rift between us, because likewise I've not demanded any of them join my standpoint, and detatch themselves as I have.

I believe you have to do whatever you feel is right, and if you're not sure what is right, speak to someone who can offer you a balanced opinion, or just give you the space to think it through. If you want to PM me that's fine too.

Take care, thinking of you. S xx

squidge60

thanks for the replys but tbh i have no wish to make it up with him there is to much that has happened (he cant communicate anyway so i have been told)i guess after all he has done i just dont understand why i am so upset.hes done many things with NO consideration for me .maybe i am so sad because he is so far removed from the father i so wanted him to be.

londonlass001

Just wanted to say I identify with many things said in this thread as I too haven't seen my parents in many years but have siblings that do. What you said sarymclary about being true to yourself is exactly how I feel.

Squidge just wondering whether like you said it's the thoughts of what could have been? I lived with a fantasy of what i wanted my family to be like for years based on what I saw other people have, how we are constantly bombarded with the idea that families are supposed to be close, loving etc. Life's not like that and we can grieve over what we don't have as well as what we do. Don't judge whether what you feel is right or wrong, it just is.

big hugs

Gingham_Ribbon

squidge60 wrote: »

thanks for the replys but tbh i have no wish to make it up with him there is to much that has happened (he cant communicate anyway so i have been told)i guess after all he has done i just dont understand why i am so upset.hes done many things with NO consideration for me .maybe i am so sad because he is so far removed from the father i so wanted him to be.

There's a difference between not wanting to make up with someone and having to accept that there will never, ever be an apology or an opportunity to make them understand and regret how they made you feel. It sounds like you're having an understandable reaction to a very sad situation. I hope you have some support from someone you trust. x

lab-lover

God, I really do feel for you squidge. Very similar to my situation aswell. I had a huge fall out with my parents about 8 years ago and havent spoke since then. Well i say havent spoke but there has been a couple of attemps at a reconcilation on my mums part, i, even now, still feel huge anger, bitterness and grief(i guess its grief). Mostly i feel anger at them for cutting me out of their lives over a couple of comments i made which were aimed at my sister, who also doesnt speak to me.

I feel, as londonlass has said, its the missing out of a family life. it especially hurts at xmas and birthdays etc, but i hurt for my dd, not me.

A while back someone told me my dad was ill in hospital and i felt awful and shocked, just numb really. he has recovered, i gather, every time the phone went i was expecting it to be my mum telling me he is ill. but nothing,no call. So now i feel a bit guilty that i didnt ring them.

I totally sympathise with you and fully understand how you feel, i only wish i could offer some comfort to you.

xxxx

Paparika

squidge60 wrote: »

i cant put everything on here for different reasons but was hopeing someone can relate to this or have ideas why .yrs ago i had a massive fallout with my parents instead of support and understanding i got a very very nasty letter (recorded delivery to make sure i got it) and after much thought and soulsearching decided to have nothing more to do with them.so why oh why now i know my father is in hospital and they can do no more for him do i feel so so upset.i just dont get it and feel my tears and sorrow are so not deserved but i cant help it.

I fell out with my parents a few years back and i told them i didn't want any more to do with them. it did take a few years and then we were ok again.

But during that time i still deep down loved them, you have mixed emotions, they are the only parents you have.

It's normal, you just have to decide how you want closure,

maytaurus

squidge60 wrote: »

i cant put everything on here for different reasons but was hopeing someone can relate to this or have ideas why .yrs ago i had a massive fallout with my parents instead of support and understanding i got a very very nasty letter (recorded delivery to make sure i got it) and after much thought and soulsearching decided to have nothing more to do with them.so why oh why now i know my father is in hospital and they can do no more for him do i feel so so upset.i just dont get it and feel my tears and sorrow are so not deserved but i cant help it.

A friend of mine had been sexually abused by her father and had no contact with him for 20 yrs before he died.
She couldn't understand why she basically fell apart,but through counselling realised that it was because she had never confronted him about it and asked him why he had done it.
When he died she realised she would never be able to and that was the reason his death affected her so badly.