Sunshine, Daffodils and lolipops-concentrating on the good things in life

pania

hello everyone. How are we all doing? Well here we are on a diary that I pledge to you all I will keep going for an awful lot longer than a couple of days!!

As the title suggests things have been a bit c r a p in pania land lately and my eye has come off the ball and my body off the wagon big stylee. to the extent that everything feels a little surreal a little bonkers and a little out of control right now, especially with regards to finances and lifestyle. I need to start picking out the simple, beautiful, and free things in life. and as we are fast approaching my favourite time of year (autumn, I love it, all crisp and colourful and fresh) there are plenty of free pleasures to be had all around. That head needs to be hauled back out the sand and start enjoying the daylight again.

So, where to start,, I guess as this is DFW i should start with financial gumbo, but as that is all a little raw right now and i love flying in the face of normality i think i shall leave that little gem until last.. (and i also need to get my kevlar butt pad on due to the severe butt kicking I know i shall receive from a fellow, nearby, but lovely DFW friend) all i can say is i'm sorry, i've screwed up. and i know it.

Soooo when we last spoke i think I was just about to go off onto my canine instructors course, and my jeepers what a course it was. For a canine addict like myself it was pure heaven and the freedom of being away from home for the duration of the course was like someone had set a caged bird free.
I did really really well at the course, am now a qualified canine instructor (have 2 clients lined up woot woot!!) and the offer of a full time position at the school that i trained at working as an instructor with security and close protection dogs as a speciality!! woohoo!! but.... I need to do 4 months almost voluntary with them first before i can start to work for them employed purely to get my experience up and to get to know the different training methods. The salary beyond this is more than i ever ever thought possible, around £1500 take home pay. :T there is also the opportunity to earn extra by "babysitting" dogs over night at home so this would boost my take home pay also. This job would be the kind where I would be standing in the middle of a field, in the middle of a winters day, with the rain lashing down, shivering with cold, thinking, you know what i don't care cos i bloody love this.

But... In order to take up this opportunity I need to leave where I am now, which brings me onto the OH issue...

I have finally finally ended it with the OH, we were ended anyway but it was complicated. like majorly, like more complicated than ending a 40 year marriage complicated. We decided last monday that that was it (or more like i did) and that I had to follow my dreams and become P the person again, not some mini clone of my OH or wifey in waiting for him. I have so much lost my sense of identity lately it is actually very scarey. I am a shadow of the P that I used to be and all of the things that I used to do. I used to scuba dive on a weekly basis. (free as i helped with the try dives and nervous students) I used to go out walking in the new forest, I used to go to the gym eeevery day. all the things i used to do that i no longer do as i've had all the enthusiasm sapped out of me by coming up against obstacles posed every step of the way. I can't live a lie anymore and i need to start to get back to being me and if that needs to involve me being alone for a while then so be it. It is nice to be with someone, to share those little moments in life, but sometimes to truly love someone else we need to first know how to love ourselves, and i think that is omethin gi could do with a little work on.

I am aware that this first post is going to get absurdly long so will pop it up and then move on from there.

Thanks for reading, thanks for the ramble and apologies for the total non dfwness but i am a great believer in cause and effect. the reason my finances are parp right now is as a result of the other areas in my life that also need some work to get that focus back.

Love you all
P
xxx

pania

So anyway to carry on from all that wittering....

finances... oh shoite, confession time here we go.

I took out another loan *ducks for cover!!!*:o

Due to the position that I am in employment wise, letting OH take the P again and well, just being rubbish... I didn't manage to save the money for my course. so the only option was to take out a loan with a stupidly ridiculously i'm not even telling how much interest rate to cover the cost and a little extra. the idea being to clear a couple of smelly bills that have built back up again.
But then I took XOH to alton towers... and went out for my birthday... and (oh my god there is an incredibly hunky adam garcia on tv :drool:! ahem, sorry) went to next and bought some work clothes... and didn't save enough for the bed and breakfast while i was there...
Ok, I can feel you all virtually punching me right now. i shall stop but there is more.
As a result of that I had to pay for the B+B out of this months low salary which has left me absolutely brassic. XOH knows my situation but (quite understandably) has naffed off leaving me with no food, no fuel (hence no way to get to work and meetings etc) and no way to pay my mobile phone bill. so (hell it can't get any worse i may just as well come clean) I have had to take a payday loan out just to be able to get to work.

I have my expenses cheque arriving in about a week but I have had to agree to buy DP back from the totally silly horrible nasty woman that bought him from me and I am going to have to go through the whole heartache of selling him again which i will need to do immediately he returns to me, so that will eat most of the surplus from the cheque up and is something i could really have done without. So as you can see things are a wee little taddles of a mess.

However.... I have managed to pick up another dog to walk 4 days a week at a cost of £5 per day to the owner so that will bring me in £20 pw until I move house to the hertfordshire area.
Also I have started to take on much more mystery shopping so that will help too and have changed my mobile tariff to include unlimited free texts so my bill should plummett dramatically from there, I am currently doing loooads of mileage for work so its pretty easy right now to get a good expense cheque next month. If i can make it through to the middle of november, sell DP again (which will be at a good profit as i am buying him back for only slightly more than i sold him for) and get matched betting again I should be able to straighten myself out within a month or so. But jesus i am NEVER taking that massive step backwards again.

anyway it is 0133 and i need to be up sooper dooper early as I have done absolutely no prep for tomorrows meeting. I am away all weekend which i am really looking forward to, only at my friends having a couple of girly nights in so that will be very cheap and very fun!

Sweetdreams everyone, I await the verbal onslaught tomorrow. I know that I deserve every single word of it I have been on DFW long enough to know what NOT to do :rolleyes:

All i can say is i'm sorry.

Sweetdreams all
P
xxx

DoWhatULove-LoveWhatUDo

What an excellent name for your Diary Pania. Good luck with it all. The doggie course sounds incredible, as do the ensuing employment opportunities.

I am an animal lover myself and a vociferous proponent of doing what you love in life if you want to be happy, so you have my full support and all good wishes from this corner of the world.

pania

thanks do what u love thats a lovely thing to say and i love your signature!! I have done a job that i detest for over 18 months now and can't wait to get back to something that i love and am so passionate about.
SO which corner of the world may you be in? please tell me not my favouritest of all favourite places NZ?

penguin83

Pania - love the title!

You have had a hard few months both emotionally and financially and no one is going to shout at you for that!

The course sounds amazing and a wonderful opportunity for you. You should follow your instincts and be true to yourself and everything else will fall in to place. I admire your courage to go and do what you want, that is more than I have been able to do. I'm in my job that I hate dreaming of getting back into working with horses - but that is as far as I can get!

What happened with DP? So sorry you have got to go through all that again but at least you are able to know where he is going - its a shame its not a few years down the line and I would have him in a shot for DD (dont tell OH!)

Good Luck with your plans, I have every faith that you will succeed.

Sorry for the cheesiness - Im a bit tipsy! x x

pania

hey penguin.. no tipsy this end but certainly paying the wide awake price for drinking a litre bottle of tesco kick this evening.
Jus remember hon, where there's a will theres a way!! you would be more than welcome to my little DP, he has been ridden by a 4 year old and an 8 year old and as he is just a baby himself hasn't put a foot wrong... (how old is DD? )

The lady who bought him took him out on a rainy windy horrible day and a car shot past the end of the driveway through a puddle. He did what ever pony would do, took a fright and spun around on the spot. the ladies daughter didn't even fall off just ended up around his neck and she will never ever let her back on him in his life love his heart. We had very strong words about how any pony, even a "schoolmaster" could do that and what is she going to do? keep selling them again? I feel so sorry for him as he has been so good. the lady has even been riding him (he's 11.2!) and he's been an angel. Its going to be heart rending to sell him again but atleast i can still maintain the closeness and keep tabs on him.

It has been a couple of bloody tough months and I have been extremely bad financially but onwards and upwards hey!!

Hugs
P
xxx

Jacks_xxx

Blimey Missus it's all happening in your life innit?? :eek: :j

Good stuff honey, you're not going to get an @r$ekicking from me, I have every confidence that you Quidco'd that Payday loan and when the dust settles you'll get things back on track. I think this is all worth it to get "yourself" back in any case.

Apart from the teensy matter of the increased debt and the poor pony it's all positives really isn't it? I'm loving the sound of being a doggy instructor (Is it very Barbara Woodhouse??? )

Anyway I think the occasion calls for a drag queen singing a silly song. (Ignore the Happy Easter and all lyrics except the part where she sings "Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows are sure to come your way" )

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=13XsKl0fjjk&watch_response

Lots of love,

Jacks xxx

Herewegoagain

Pania,
OMG girl, your so much braver than me, I'm still stuck with both job and OH that I **** I think doh.
You've got to do whats right for you and s*d it if peeps don't agree, your the one who knows all the facts.
The doggy job sounds great and you sound much brighter, so you go for it and good luck:T :T

HWGA xx

tealady

Hi Pania. Sometimes we have to take a step backwards to move forwards (think a bit like mountain climbing) so you won't get a kicking from me. It sounds as if you are doing what makes YOU happy and that should be the most important thing in your life right now.From what you say you have a plan to cope with it all so go for it girl!

Different_Corner

Pania
Main thing is you've been true to yourself and out of that can only see positive things happening. Looks to me like you've hit the ground running.
Glad you've bitten the bullet (can I get anymore cheesey quotes in this post ?) and doing things for yourself.
Will read with interest as long as you share the lollipops

hypno06

Steel toe caps at the ready..............:D