In Debt, Relationship breaking and nowhere to turn

mk1982

I am in about 20K in debt and my relationship is falling apart and I have no where to turn to.

My girlfriend who I have a child with is in love with someone else, goes out all the time and uses me as a glorified babysitter. Once I found out about this other fella my trust in her went and now everytime she goes out, which is all the time, I freak out. Everything about the relationship is wrong I have tried to talk but it is obvious that she aint interested anymore.

The big problem is my debt, It should be pretty much gone in a couple of years but that was only because we had a stable relationship with finances being shared and I could concentrate geting rid of the debt. Now this has happened, I have no where to go, No money and everything is pointless. It is almost like she knows my situation and is playing me big time. Enough is enough, I need to start my life but my debt is my problem.

I really just dont know what to do and I am just giving this forum a go to see what comes of it.

searching_me

sorry to hear your in trouble but you need to start and sort your finances now... work out everything right down to the smallest detail and work out your ins and out... if the debt will be too much then try to speak to your creditors and see if you can make smaller payment or even try ccc and see if they can help... you need to start makin sure that for now you just relie on yourself until you know for sure what going to happen hope things work out xx

KittyKate

Firstly, forget the debt (just for a second).

Why are you still living with this woman? There must be somewhere one of you can go. It can't be good for your child living in all that tension. She loves someone else - I can only imagine how messy it must feel right now. You NEED to distance yourself.

You're NOT a glorified babysitter. It doesn't matter where your girlfriend is going - this is your child too. It is not anyone's 'job' to look after the child, it's your responsibility as a parent. Many fathers don't spend time with their kids - cherish it, don't resent it.

My advice would be move out - any where, any way you can, then sort your life out for you. If you can, sit and chat with your girlfriend, try and sort it out amicably. If not, do you have any family or friends or a local counselling service?

Please don't lose heart. Things will get better. Most of us have been there and we speak from experience.

squidge60

you could try getting in contact with http://www.payplan.com/index.php for help with your debt or get help from other people on this site in another forum it would be a start.x

MrsTinks

Before you move out... try to have a calm conversation with her about parental rights etc - and if possible get it in writing!
Then find somewhere to live Or depending on the current accomodation situation then help her find somewhere to move out to or maybe both of you need to find different and cheaper places to live
However for now you need to stay cool, calm and collected - because otherwise access to your child might become a HUGE issue...

KellsBells

Am sorry to say I am in a similar situation.

I am married, sadly not happily so, with two children and have some rather large debt hanging over me/us. We've been in trouble for years, relationship wise & finacially, when recently I fell for someone else. Now, while this has no bearing on the situation at home, I thought I would mention it as it does show I have common ground with the op. The 'someone else' is no longer around for me....

I am kind of in the reverse situation to you, mk1982, and I have tried to ask my husband to move out ....He could stay with his parents for a few weeks while we get ourselves sorted, but he refused.

I would suggest you do try and stay with someone for a while - friend, sibling, etc... whatever you can do. Your girlfriend might realise what she is missing - and so might you for that matter.

The priority in any situation like this has to be your children.... and they won't thank you in the long run for making yourself or their Mum unhappy.

As regards the debt... it's too late to expect her to contribute getting out of the debt... this has to be YOUR task. Try the Debt Free Wannabe board... it's great.

good luck, I hope it works out.xx

mk1982

Thanks everyone. I am really struggling with this. There is so much going on its unreal. All I want to do is sit and talk about it but she just does not want to know. Its as if she knows she knows she is doing wrong and now is twisting it around on me by saying that I am hassling her when she wants to go out all the time. All I want is to talk and to understand why she wants to go out all the time. She justs wants to sweep it under the carpet and make me accept everything that has happened, no questions asked. If I do say anything about anything she is not prepared to talk about it then just turns in to a row. I am in a no win situation. I thought with talking it is the only way to solve problems but if they are not prepared to talk back a just have a go at me it aint going to go anywhere.

I love her so much and it will really hurt me to walk away. Thats why I am trying so hard to fix it but at the moment it seems like the only thing to stop her having a go is to let her go out and have her own life. I am not a door mat and I understand the need to go out but just after she has told me she is love with someone else. She stopped it because of the family but the trust has totally gone. If she could give it a couple of weeks then things might start repairing but she seriously is just interested in herself and her life. I so want things to work, I just cant see it happening.

Jo_R_2

I was in a situation that, although not the same in terms of my OH falling for someone else, was slightly similar in that he knew he was doing wrong yet refused to face up to things.

He basically used to go out, skive work (he had a part-time job whilst studying, pretty much made possible by me working and supporting us all) so he could go out drinking/socialising, and when I started to call him on it, he'd make out that I was being unreasonable, would ignore my phone calls or wouldn't talk about it because we'd 'already discussed it a hundred times.' I used to spend evening after evening, weekend after weekend looking after the kids, so in that sense I do know what you mean about feeling like a glorified babysitter - it's not the 'obligation' of caring for the child, more like the fact the reponsibility falls to you, all the time, without being consulted or asked by your OH, like they can sack off responsibility no problem so they can have a life without any thought for you.

Whilst you are staying, you are enabling her to continue her behaviour. As long as you allow her to treat you like this, she will continue to do it. Find a way to move out. Go and stay with friends, relatives, anywhere. Tell her calmly that you are moving out. If you feel you want to, sit with your girlfriend and see if you can work things out.

I think some space would benefit you, and probably her as well.