Broken promises...yet again.

mooma_2

(Sorry it's long)

I don't know if anyone will remember a while back I asked you guys for advice on my OH's selfish ways with money, etc. Anyway we managed to agree on keeping a joint account for bills and opening seperate accounts for our own bit of spending money and I was over the moon when It was working out really well for the first couple of months, I was really happy and not stressed out....

But now he's dipping into the joint account again thinking I won't notice!!!! It's so unfair of him to do this, as we have hardly any money, so him taking money from the joint account means we won't have enough money for food shopping until he gets paid again in over two weeks.
Luckily I get the child benefit paid into my own account so that OH can't spend it and I don't have to worry about money for baby milk and nappies.

I have to admit it, Deep down I knew he wouldn't stick to having his own bit of money in his own account each month, I just hoped like hell that he would make the money last and things would work out.
I should know that this always happens, he always promises to do things and promises to change but it never happens. I've gotten so used to being disappointed, so when he says he'll do this or he'll do that I tell myself he won't so that I can't be disappointed when it doesn't happen.
It's like if i'm disappointed from the start, anything good that happens is a bonus.

I want our relationship to work, I don't want to be worried and stressed all the time. How do we work this out? Can someone ever change from being selfish with money?

ameliarate

I've gotten so used to being disappointed, so when he says he'll do this or he'll do that I tell myself he won't so that I can't be disappointed when it doesn't happen.
It's like if i'm disappointed from the start, anything good that happens is a bonus.

That's really not a very good basis for a relationship or for life (though I can be a bit of a pessimist at times and can understand your theory).

Seriously you need to have a strong word, perhaps he should simply give you the amount he is currently putting into a joint account so that he has no access to it? Is there someway you can deliberately not buy certain foodstuffs that he particularly likes to make a point or start giving him very very small meals and tell him it's because you can't afford more food?

I haven't read any of your previous posts (sorry) so I don't know if this is perhaps something already tried.

MrsTinks

Close the joint account and have x amount set up as a direct debit to your account the day after he gets paid so you control it. Anything left in his he can do with as he wants but it means he can't spend money set aside for food and bills.

I have to agree with ameliarate too... I don't think this is a realistic relationship until he starts thinking of things other than himself...

aspinallkate

do you know what he is spending his money on? would it be possible for you to have all the money and give him an allowance?

Staciep88

Hiya,

Right, you deserve a big hug cuz I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. My OH owes approx £6k in various different places and tbh he doesnt care. This really used to bother me, I would be stressed all the time thinking 'well how are we going to buy a house' and 'how are we going to start a family' etc etc. I got so fed up with it that I took it all into my own hands, I sorted out 0% interest cards for him, set up direct debits and he will be debt free in 11 months time Not that he knows!! He knows that I have taken control of it, and he knows that I make the payments to his debts every month (using his debit card) so he doesnt really think about it. Sometimes I think, why do i bother? but then I think to myself, well its cuz I love him and its only money. I don't know how much the debt is but I can assure you there are people worse off.

For your joint account I take it he has a card to make withdrawls? Take it away from him. Thats what I had to do.

PM me if you need to chat x

Jo_R_2

I have a few thoughts on this...

Helping people out by taking over finances is simultaneously a positive and negative act. Positive in that you have peace of mind that bills are getting paid, money is where it should be, debts are being dealt with, and so on. On the bad side, it gives the other person no responsibility or reason to comprehend how they should manage money in the real world because someone else is doing everything for them, so what's to say that even if you take over things and he's happy with that, that the other person won't do again what they have been used to doing, because they haven't learned or think they have someone to bail them out?

If you want to stay with him, scrap the joint account. Do what MrsTine said and have him transfer a set amount over to you, right when he gets paid so you know you'll get it, an amount that covers money as you two decide. That will leave him with a remaining amount that is his to do what he wants with, lets you know he's doing his bit by handing over the money and can't spend what you need for household expenses such as grocery shopping.

Of course, your OH could do what my ex did when I did this and open up a store card in his name to buy expensive stuff on and not tell you about it... Ex then of course couldn't afford to pay the repayments so it came out of our family budget... Not that I'm being cynical

In that experience of mine, in answer to your question, no, he couldn't change. AFAIK he's still the same with money, he's never been able to 'afford' to give anything for our two DDs even though he's been working full-time. Having said that, I don't doubt that people can change. What is he taking the money for? Have you confronted him about it and asked him?

RoxieW

My OH does this too and it winds me up when I've budgeted for certain things and he messes it up. But in his mind, he works hard to support our family so why should he feel about taking the odd £10 for a pub lunch or a pair of fooball socks or whatever. I had to stand back, take a deep breath and think that if he's generally good then the odd treat wont blow the budget - and he does deserve them. Is there anyway you can factor in a little extra 'treat' spend into your budget? Then it's there. A difference story of course if he's blowing stupid money on crap but not the odd £10 a fortnight or whatever?

mooma_2

Thanks for all your replies and advice

I know that being disappointed from the start isn't a healthy way to think, but I just can't let myself be let down anymore otherwise i'll end up a mess and I need to keep partially sane for my daughters sake lol.

I understand how it would be so much less stressful if I took control of OH's money (I'm always the one who makes sure all the bills are paid on time as it is!), like as some of you suggested if he transferred the bills & food money to me so I can make sure all is sorted. But I really want him to understand how to control his finances and how to be responsible with money.
I feel like I would be acting like a mother to him, rather than his partner if I done this, and yes, in a way I do think he would feel like he'd get "bailed out" of money situations all the time and not have to take responsibility for spending and money problems.

I like the suggestion of not letting him have his cash card for the joint account. I will suggest that it'd be a good idea if he leaves it indoors or with me. I know he'll go off on one but I have to tell him that what he's doing isn't fair.

I know that he might not change, but if he still wants us to stay together as a family then I sincerely hope he would try.

I know life isn't just about money, but learning to share it and be responsible with it is a major part of life and I don't want it to come to the point where I have to make a choice to stay or go (and take my daughter with me) because he can't understand that.

Any more advice would be really appreciated. Thank you everyone xx

Oh and in reply to RoxieW, We do have our own set amounts to spend on what we want (treats, etc) every month (he has £100 as he earns it, I have £50). But he spends it all then dips into the bill money!!!!

Staciep88

Well it seems like you've got your head screwed on hun. Good luck! xx

ClareEmily

Haven't had time to read all the responses so sorry if I repeat something, but from personal experience my hubby said from the beginning that he was bad with money.

So we both have our own separate accounts, and a joint one for bills, there is only one visa card (we requested this at the bank) in my name only, and we have a joint paying in book.

Be firm he hasn't kept to his side of the bargin.

Clare x

pinkshoes

The answer is beans on toast and cabbage soup! Give yourself a substantial meal at lunch time whilst he is out at work, then due to not being able to afford a full food shop due to him spending from the joint account, he'll just have to live off cabbage soup and beans on toast in the evening until he can learn not to STEAL from your joint account.

Would that work?