Need/want to rant / scream / cry!

Magentasue

bluezone wrote:

Magentasue - I live on a budget, i.e I only use my tips from job 3 to live on. I wont use my cards even though I am tempted! My debt free date was a rough one based on the totals of my debts but not including the bank charges!

It has to be a household budget, not just you!

I don't think you can ever get things sorted when someone is sabotaging all the good work you're doing! Don't knowwhat to suggest but wish you luck!

Northernbird_2

I think you're amazing. Do you mind if I ask what your extra jobs are? I'm looking to get a second job, I figure the exhaustion will be worth it if I can make inroads on my debt. I'm looking for a weekend thing, as my main job has me leaving the house at 6am and not getting home until 8 or 9pm.

Just one thing regarding money, do you have separate accounts? Me and OH have always had a joint account, and in all honesty what made it difficult was that he would spend money that was there and I couldn't budget very well. I've just opened my own account and he's now got his as well. I'm trying to separate out our finances so that I have more control over my budgeting. Just a thought, as it's something I'm trying. It sounds like we're in similar circumstances, and similar levels of debt (we're at about £97k!).

Hope it calms down again for you. xx

Magentasue

Northernbird wrote:

Just one thing regarding money, do you have separate accounts? Me and OH have always had a joint account, and in all honesty what made it difficult was that he would spend money that was there and I couldn't budget very well. I've just opened my own account and he's now got his as well.

Yes, that's a good idea - have salaries paid into account 1 and have all bill payments come out automatically. Then transfer agreed amount into separate personal accounts. Put all figures on paper and agree it all then get him to agree that only you will have access to account 1 - would that work?

taplady

Hi !I really feel for you hun ! :grouphug: It sounds as though you're getting a rough deal from your OH :mad: I've been in your position so know what you're going through but with all the help available here I'm sure there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

I agree with everyone else, go out and escape for a while - you deserve it :A

Also I think the separate bank account idea is a good one. This is what we do as my OH is useless with money. I have all the money and give him an allowance once afortnight and have set up a strict budget with everything else. I also make sure I get an allowance for treats too we all need treats now and again to get us through the seemingly endless struggle with debt.

I hope things pick up for you.Good luck! and enjoy the swimming :j Nice idea of yours Miss london :T

£Ronnie

Hi Bluezone, I can so empathise with you on this one, I had my light bulb moment ages before my OH. I would also get all the blame when we did look at the accounts to see what was happening. Everytime i did a food shop I would come home with value stuff and all i'd get is " how much did that lot cost then?" as though i had spent the day in champneys! At the same time he would go out 4+ times a week and spend a fortune!


He didn't have his lightbulb moment until I told him I'd had enough, and I was off taking the two littl' uns. I really meant it as well. We had other issues as well, been to relate etc etc. Two months on and we have made great inroads into our debt and by end Dec should have paid off 1K. Some may not think that is much but considering our debt was getting bigger and bigger each month I am well chuffed.

It is so hard when one party is doing their best and making all the sacrifices and the other is just burying their head and spending carelessly. Somehow he could always justify what he had spent as well so I felt guilty for mentioning it, eg but i am helping a mate get a car in your instance.

I don't know what to suggest really, you say you are just married so hopefully communication should be good between both of you. Would it help if you could do the snowball calculater thing and show him how quick you could be debt free once you work out a budget? I don't mean to be sexist but I think men are better with facts than with abstract concepts and this really helped my OH see the light...

Oh and post your income and outgoings so we can try to help you reach your debtfree date even quicker.

Big Hugs, don't let it squash you, you have already taken the best step, so just keep going...

tattooed_lady

It's very hard when your OH doesn't see things the way you do and you are the only one who seems to be worrying about the finances. Good luck and you are doing SO well. :grouphug:

bluezone

the*dark*one - cheers my friend said that I am going even if she has to drag me by my hair (ouch that could hurt :eek:)

black-saturn - I think we will go to hers for a coffee and a chat afterwards anyway. She has just phoned me and offered to lend me money to pay something off. I hope nobody thinks wrong of me but I declined the offer cos i dont want it to affect our friendship. No, hubby has not got a 2nd or 3rd job which annoys me but he says there isn't much he can do apart from his roofing work which he does in the day (well half the day in my book!)

Magentasue - I do most of the shopping so I do have a budget and am quite good with it, and I hav all the bills out of the joint account which I control. He gives me say £500/week to bank but this doesn't always cover it and cos he is self employed he says he cant always give me more than that!!!!!!!!!

Northernbird - Hello superwoman here (I wish). I work full time during the week (37.5 hours @£8.50/hour), before work I do 8 hours caring per week (£11.00/hour) and fri, sat, and sun nights I work in the local pub @£5.00/hour. We did start off with 2 seperate accounts which we made both joint but still seperate if you know what I mean but he was hiding bills or just not paying his and in the end his bank account was frozen and his overdraft facility taken away so I moved all the bills and dd to my joint account. I have removed his card for this account and he cant get on the online banking as he does not know the codes etc.

taplady - thanks for he post I will escape for a while.

£Ronnie - thanks for your post. I to get moaned at for the littlest of things. At first he never wanted anything 'value' in our trolley as if it was beneath him but I just ignore him now and keep putting it in, sometimes yes to just annoy him . I have tried the 'I'm leaving cos I've had enough' route and stayed in my sisters empty house for a month but he kept insisting that he had changed so I went back and also had found someone to rent sis's place so that bolt hole was gone anyway! We have been married for 2 and a half years now and I do think that money is what is affecting the relationship but he wont talk to anyone about it. He went to the docs who gave him the same happy tabs as me but he only took them for a fortnight and then stopped - whats the point I ask myself.
I list out in and outs on a spreadsheet and print it out once a month for him to see but to be honest I feel like I am showing him a peice of blank paper.

aarrrggghhhhh - just had to let that out

A pondering thought. My parents are going away next week so ther house is going to e empty - do you reckon its worth another 'buck up or I'm gone' time?

£Ronnie

Its up to you really...
Do you mean it???
Can you live without any change in his behaviour????
What scares you most 25 years with him or 25 years without him???

For some reason I felt i needed permission to leave, i would talk to friends and my Mum complaining and debating what to do. They all thought he was a plonker to put it politely. In the end relate helped me enough to realise I had to do what was right for me. Please bear in mind we had other issues as well, they generally boil down to him not wanting accept his responsibilities, I had threatened for nearly a year that I would go and gave him chance to resolve the issues, he would sometimes tell me to "just f off then". Only when I truly believed I had done all I could to rectify the situation I told him I was off and he must have seen something different. The change in his behaviour is unbelievable and has now lasted 2-3 months...longer than ever before. I would not have believed it possible.

At the end of the day you have got to live with your decision and that is why no one will tell you do or don't.

Does he make you happy?
Do you laugh/cry together?
Is everything but the financial side of things good?
My mother told me that when poverty walks in, love walks out, but I have seen skint couples happier than we were before money became an issue.

Do you want to leave?

Sorry but only you know and only you can make the decision. Just be safe in the knowledge that people are here to help. PM me if you want to talk more..

Good luck with whatever you decide
XXXX

elona

I don't think that it is just the money that upsets you - he is behaving as if he is a child and you are his mum.

He also does not seem bothered that you are doing three jobs and he is doing half of one!

Neither does he care that his selfish and irresponsible behaviour is making you upset and ill.

If he does not know what other job he could do as a second job - how about as a driver - or shelf stacker in a supermarket etc.

Men used to be asked if they could support their future wives financially before they got married - it looks as if you are the one who is doing all the supporting!

Not because of ill health, redundancy or general bad luck - but because of his childishness, selfishness and idleness.

Tam

With all due respect I think your hubby needs a smack 'round the chops with a nasty bank statement ( not literally of course...unless...!).

He's just not being fair to you. If he's not careful your health will suffer and you won't be able to do three jobs - then he'll know just how much you've been propping him up!

As for moving out, only do it if you absolutely mean it. Doing it just for a shock won't work anymore as he knows you'll go back, like last time.

Hugs to you. Try not to let it all get you down.