PLEASE help!

Ames

I think it's like when people come on here saying 'should I lend a family member money' the answer's always no. And your brother's showing why. I know I was upset when family wouldn't lend me money, but I can see now that it wouldn't have helped me.

I think the big question is does your brother want things to change? You can take a horse to water and all that. If he wants to change then there are constructive things you can do - show him this site, help him get a basic bank account, maybe even teach him to cook to save money on meals! But lending doesn't help, not in the long run.

Little_Pickle

What happens though if he ends up in financial ruin?
We can't see him starve / with CCJs / kicked out of his flat.

He already works 70 hour weeks and is virtually killing himself through stress.
It's not nice to see. And we want to help, but he doesn't seem to listen.

Ames

So buy him food. CCJ's aren't the end of the world, and maybe losing his home is what he needs to face up to his problems. I'm sorry if this is sounding harsh, but he has to learn for himself. Sometimes you just have to let people make their own mistakes and then take responsibility for them and find a way forward.

embarrassed_about_my_debt

As above , i know its not what you want to hear but you cant do anything if he doesnt want to or isnt willing to change. With all the good will in the world he has already proved that when he went behind your mum and dads back and got another card.

He has to WANT to change before things can get better. Can he move back in with your parent for a while, saving him the rent etc to try and get him back on his feet? They would also be able to see when he is going out, if he is ordering things etc

simone83

I know it sounds harsh, but I was very much like your brother a few years ago. Borrowing money of my grandad (I know the shame) as I couldnt make rent from going out.

I saw my Grandad as an endless pot of money (he was a pensioner with his own house and I thought - he must be loaded, selfish).

It wasnt until I sat down with my Aunt one day and she showed me the strain I was putting on everyone. Then I realised what I was doing and it was helping my grandad into an early grave.

Have you sat him down and told him the strain he is putting you under? and maybe showed him after helping him out how little you have left for yourslves may help!

elisebutt65

Having said all that though - my brother had his lightbulb moment a few years ago and my parents basically made him an interest free loan which he still pays back via a direct debit. He has left his spendthrift partner - well she booted him out because he wouldn't get into more debt for her.

My parents only just found out where it had gone - he is facing reconstructive surgery due to his sinuses collapsing above his teeth -that was the other reason his stewpid gf kicked him out - she couldn't get her head round the fact that he had successfully cleaned up his act and his nose!

Sometimes though it does help to have supportive friends and family just to tide you over those bad times. My input was to direct him to this site

Little_Pickle

I will be directing him to the site.
He has joined twice before but only when I was sitting over him and going on about how amazing it is here.

He seems not to care on a daily basis only to dodge phone calls, leave letters unopened and stress about it the rest of the time.

Where is this money going????? SERIOUSLY! I have NO idea (despite asking him time and time again over the years).

He's losing his hair, can't sleep (lives of nervous energy) and has a constant upset tummy (which he thought might be irritable bowel - nope just good old fashioned fear and stress!!!!).

We've all had light bulb moments... and I know that we bail him out.... but when will he have his?

You seriously wouldn't believe the scenes in our folks house when it enevitably happens again and again.

Crying, talking, screaming, shouting, 'you don'y love me's', walking out, worry about bro 'doing something stupid'... you name it, it's happened (although there has never been violence).

After going through all of that again and again, I don't know why we can't get through his thick skull. (sorry if that sounds mean but I'm getting angry now.)

I can't see him do this to my folks OR HIMSELF anymore.

sorry for the rant guys... I'm just at the end of my tether (sp).
*sob*
I think I need a stiff drink.....

lilac_lady

Are you sure he doesn't gamble? He has all the symptoms. It's so difficult for you to refuse to help him and he knows that. Until he provides you with a note of where his money goes I think you have to be cruel to be kind. If he can't/won't let you know about his spending you definitely should not give him any more money.

Little_Pickle

lilac_lady wrote: »

Are you sure he doesn't gamble?

we've thought about it many times... but no, I don't think so.
I'll know for sure on Sunday though.

I'm calling him in a minute with things I need him to do before Sunday.
Spending diary will be top of the list... I hope I can get him to do it.

LP
xox

Curious_Moose

Your brother is causing you and your parents stress as well as unfairly relying on their/your generousity to bail him out whenever he feels like it.

Have you ever asked him how he thinks this makes his parents feel?

He doesn't sound like a slacker, but he is being thoroughly selfish and needs to be told. Either that or you just don't bail him out next time. Maybe not having the rent money and having a landlord on his back would wake him up.

Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh.