Would welcome your advice...

Mrs_P_Pincher

In the last week I have been told that a good friend of mine has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer, which has already made it to Grade 3/4. She is in good spirits, but is already in considerable discomfort and now faces radio/chemo therapy, followed by radical surgery. Even then the stats are not good.

I love her a lot, which she knows. I am angry that this has happened to her at a time in her life when things had been going so well for her, and I feel so helpless.

I feel that I need suggestions from people who have been in this situation as to how best I can support her through this. What should I do? Perhaps more to the point, what shouldn't I do?

Do any of you wise MSE-ers have wise words for me?

Mrs P P

starbump

What is Grade 3/4? My youngest aunt died of cancer but perhaps your friend may recover from her illness?

If it is terminal or looks like it's heading that way, then towards the end my aunt became very weak, couldn't eat, barely talk or move. What she needed most was physical help, which she got from a large number of nearby relatives. OTOH, my mom's neighbour had breast cancer. Unlike my aunt, it was "caught" in time and didn't spread. I believe what she liked most was being able to chat "normally" about stuff, whether it was gossip or illness.

Based on that, I'd say practical help is useful along with anything that brings a sense of normalcy.

kettlefish

My boyfriend's mum and dad both had terminal cancer before we met, from what he has said I think he would agree with starbump - keep her updated on gossip, friends and don't be afraid to whinge to her (if that's what you'd normally do) about the 'mundane' problems in your own life, it will be something to laugh about together and she will feel she has a purpose if she can advise you on stuff. I know that boyfriend's M+D argued a fair bit when she was diagnosed; he didn't want her to have treatment but she wanted to be around to 'oversee' as many arrangements as possible. As her close friend you should be supportive of whatever she feels best, but bear in mind that she may not know what's best regarding treatment etc so don't be afraid to bounce ideas back to her about how you feel. I am a trainee nurse and many of the stages people go through on diagnosis of "The C Word" are similar to those grieving a death, so she may push you away, or become clingy, or seem to be coping far too well! Be prepared for this. And like when someone is grieving, don't just say "is there anything I can do?" but offer specifics, eg "I'm going to the shops today - would you like me to get you some bread and milk?" or "Shall I pick your kids up from school this afternoon?" Above all just be as good a friend as you sound at this tough time and let her know how much you love her... I wish you both all the best x

MrsTinks

I think Kettlefish has given some good advice... My uncles wife has a non aggressive brain tumour - which unfortunately has come back again despite surgery - although not aggressive the location of it means it puts pressure on her brain and could (and probably will) kill her. They are debating surgery for a 2nd time - she only had a 30% chance of making it through the 1st surgery - this one will be even less...
My mum has become her best friend and rock - a great help for my uncle and their kids. What she wanted more than anything was "normal" things. As she says "I'm dying not dead!". Mum babysits for them a lot, helps with their horses and often drops their groceries off and has a natter whilst there...
There are times she wants to talk about the tumour - times she doesn't. Take your lead from your friend. My neighbour is a palative care nurse and she deals with cancer patients every day - for most in the last stages it's little things that matter - pictures, little luxuries and people talking about fond memories. People often want to know they will be remembered and talking about good times often reassures them that people remember and will go on remembering...
Some go into utter denial - if she does then there is little you can do as you are not family - you can try and contact her doctor but they will more than likely not share any information or discuss her with you - that doesn't stop you telling them how she is reacting though...

richardw

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Get_Support/GetSupport.aspx

Zara33

Mrs_P_Pincher wrote: »

I feel that I need suggestions from people who have been in this situation as to how best I can support her through this. What should I do? Perhaps more to the point, what shouldn't I do?

Do any of you wise MSE-ers have wise words for me?

Mrs P P

Be yourself! your friend loves you for who you are not who the cancer makes you (hope that makes sense).
As some people are aware i lost my sister to cancer last week and if i could say just one thing that would be cherish every moment, don't let the anger get in the way, don't feel sorry for your friend, just be YOU

poocano78

Like others have said already, don't be fake. it's easy to notice and makes everyone uncomfortable. if she is in good spirits you should be as well, at least when around this person. Let them know you are there for them and if and when they need something, the will ask...

funky-footprints

i lost my best friend to cancer.

your friend is your friend because of who you are, so when you visit be you, and be there for her.
xxxx

Milford_Cubicle

There's nothing you shouldn't do. If you want to broach the subject of what happens if she doesn't make it through, then do. If you'd rather stay positive and keep her focused on beating it, then do.
Help her live life to the full. If she gets past it, then you'll be the person who supported her and helped her have as much fun as possible while she was unwell. If she does succumb to it and it becomes terminal, then she'll thank you for helping her do all the things she wanted to do before her death.
If she becomes too unwell, then lots of little things will tell her she means the world to you.

Cancer is never an easy thing to discuss or deal with, but go with your heart. You know her and you'll know what she wants. Good luck with it all and I hope you all get the best outcome.

Jollygiantswife

Zara33 wrote: »

Be yourself! your friend loves you for who you are not who the cancer makes you (hope that makes sense).
As some people are aware i lost my sister to cancer last week and if i could say just one thing that would be cherish every moment, don't let the anger get in the way, don't feel sorry for your friend, just be YOU

I completely agree, I speak from experience too when I say that you need to behave as normally as possible - if you start trying to watch what you say, you'll end up making yourself feel so guilty when the wrong thing pops out.

Just be yourself - Cancer is a big enough, ugly enough thing on its own without allowing it to get in the way of relationships and friendships. No doubt your friend will have her fair share of people being very respectful, quiet and revered around her - you can be the one to show her that it's not over yet!

Good luck - this will be an extremely hard time for you too, so look after yourself too and remember you may need someone to talk to too.

BizzyBek

Sometimes people try to over do things to show they care when I have found it was the really simple things that ehlped in tough times.

For instance if you go round for teat take everything - the teabags, a pint, biscuits and some magazines. Leave behind something for a ready down supper for her and her family - all one less thing to think about for her.

If she is a particularly houseproud person etc pop round and do the polishing, arm her with a magazine and have a good gossip about total rubbish!