Help for Mother in Law

ohdear_4

I wil give some background first and then get to the point.

My mil wants to leave fil, been together many years, hate each other with a passion. He used to beat her, she used to fight back but all that has calmed down now. She has had severe mental illness and in my opinion is still there mentally but everyone else is so used to it that they 'ignore' it now. She would struggle to look after herself at first but I think she would cope in the end.

She has just called me and asked me for help, I offered to look on right move to find flats, she insists that the council house her, I called them for her and she has to fill out a homeless form first which she won't do as she is convinced they will make her live on the streets.

Where do I go from here?

She wants me to sit down at the weekend when we are in their area and discuss with them both what their options are, I won't do this as it is my daughter's birthday this weekend, I will do all I can but she always ruins events that aren't focused on her so I feel that this might be another 'feel sorry for me' actions. I have told her that I won't this weekend but they are welcome here anytime they like and I will help all I can. I told her if she wants her husband involved in the split then take him to CAB asap as she wil get more help than I can give.

What else can I do? Would she get a house from the council? What are her rights financially?

They own their own home, he has a decent pension, she has never worked. Do I tell her to go to the doctor? She thinks they are trying to kil her though, literally.

Any advice would be welcome, I just don't know eher to go next to help her.

Thankyou

Ted_Hutchinson

Shelter have a helpline which will be able to bring you up to speed on the way "intentionally homeless" are dealt with
Women's Aid will probably also have a local helpline where people experienced in this kind of problem can be helped.

You must however put yourself and your own family first and not let her behaviour impact adversly on your daughters party. If this means being very assertive then so be it.

Fran

There is plenty of time for you to help a lot.... if you want to. Your daughter's party will only last a limited time, you have all week to help her if she is asking for help. (Only today an 87 year old man murdered his 86 year old wife, I'm not meaning to scaremonger but you and husband know best what the situation is.)

If he has beaten her and abused her (and you probably only know a small bit of how he has been with her) then she needs help to get out as soon as possible. She should definitely see her doctor, perhaps phrase it in a way to her that she must be under stress from the situation, a letter from the doctor may be of help as she tries to move out.

Ted's links to Shelter and Women's Aid are the best place to start. She can put her name down for council housing if she hasn't already, also she can apply to housing associations individually. You should be able to find out her local housing situation by doing a google search for your area.

Yes, CAB is a good idea, she should go on her own if necessary.

The thing is though you will only be able to help her if she puts in some of the work, you'll have to make it clear that you can find these contacts etc. but unless she follows them up things will stay the same and as Ted says, you have to think of your own family, if she's not serious about it it won't change.

Good luck.

ohdear_4

I have phoned shelter and talked through a few options, unsure whether mil will listen to any of them. She won't see a doctor as he is trying to kil her, she won't stay in the house and fil leave as the carbon monoxide is killing her in that house.

She doesn't want to go to cab alone, she wants her husband to listen to what they have to say, she just wanted me to find out all the info and sit him down and tell him at my daughter's party, I don't feel that is right.
I have offered to help as much as possible this week, next week, anytime she wants the help, she has suggested talking at the party. The party isn't at my house, it's at my mum's house and will only last 1 1/2 hours as we are going to the cinema with my 12 year old then party then the long drive home to here. I have offered her a bed and an ear whenever she needs/wants etc.

The council say she won't have nearly enough points. She won't see a doctor to get help, I have even offered to go along with her and she threatens the gun to her head etc. Considering the nastyness etc I have had from her I am still willing to help her, I would love nothing better than to see her well and happy but I think she really needs medical help of some sort, just how do I get her to see it??

I wil phone her in a minute to see how she is getting on and whether she has been or is going to CAB today.

Thanks again

off to scream now!!

rchddap1

Just wanted to give you my best wishes. I have no idea what would be the best course of action, but she needs to seek help.

Fran

ohdear wrote:

She won't see a doctor as he is trying to kil her, she won't stay in the house and fil leave as the carbon monoxide is killing her in that house.

Well perhaps your husband could phone her doctor and say that he is worried about her and her mental health but her condition prevents her going to the doctor.

Yes, definitely avoid it at the party, I didn't realise that was when she wanted to talk. :rolleyes:

ohdear_4

I have just called her and she is now panicking trying to get the 2 spare bedrooms decorated in case she has to sell!! I have tried to calm her down and tell her to go to CAB and see what they say.

My husband won't call the doctor, he saw her in hospital years ago when she was ill before, he won't force her to see a doctor or assist in any way. I might see if I can intervene, I might contact MIND. I told her on the phone that she ought to see a doctor as a letter from them could help her case with the council. We've only been moved away from the area for 3 months, I am now regretting it as I feel useless stuck miles away!

Thanks all for your help.

cattie

If you could persuade her to see her GP & get referred to the local mental health community team, then they would be able to advise & hopefully assist in making a referral for supported/sheltered housing from a housing association. Given that she has some mental health problems, this type of housing would probably be best for her.

margaretclare

Hi

Sounds like M-I-L is trying to manipulate you. So she wants to leave F-I-L - understandable perhaps, if he's violent and if as you say they hate each other. You don't say their ages - is she a 'vulnerable adult' who could be entitled to sheltered housing???

But if she wants to leave him, why does she want them to go together to CAB? What will that achieve? There's such a thing as 'conflict of interest', and if CAB are advising her on her own and not as a couple, they won't be able to advise him too.

And what's all the panic about redecorating bedrooms? Does that really matter? Either she wants to leave him, or she's procrastinating about it, involving all kinds of other people and saying irrational things like 'the GP is trying to kill her'? Obviously your husband has heard it all before and will have none of it.

Don't let her spoil your daughter's party, and be careful of M-I-L - she could turn round and say 'but you told me to....you made me...' and you'll end up being the baddie, not F-I-L!

Aunty Margaret

Bossyboots

margaretclare wrote:

Hi

and be careful of M-I-L - she could turn round and say 'but you told me to....you made me...' and you'll end up being the baddie, not F-I-L!

Aunty Margaret

This is exactly what I was going to warn against.

There appears to be a deteriorating mental health issue going on here and I think that contacting MIND is a very good idea. Does she still have a PCN looking after her or has she been discharged from services.

It is very difficult to judge which, if any, of her comments should be given credence.

Unfortunately, unless there are recent incidents of violence or emotional abuse, she is going to find it difficult to engage the help of the services for "battered" wives. She has stayed for some time after the violence so she is not a case in urgent need. This will also diminish her entitlement to council housing.

Fran

margaretclare wrote:

...............................But if she wants to leave him, why does she want them to go together to CAB? What will that achieve? There's such a thing as 'conflict of interest', and if CAB are advising her on her own and not as a couple, they won't be able to advise him too.

They could advise the two of them if that's what she wants - maybe she wants him to be clear about the situation or maybe he is insisting that he's involved with everything. If she's able to go out alone though it's probably best to go on her own.

And what's all the panic about redecorating bedrooms? Does that really matter? Either she wants to leave him, or she's procrastinating about it, involving all kinds of other people and saying irrational things like 'the GP is trying to kill her'? Obviously your husband has heard it all before and will have none of it.

While obviously the husband is involved, it's from the point of view of the MIL that the question was asked. The above behaviour could well be diagnosed as mental health problems. Underneath her strange words and behaviour she might actually be trying to get away from an abusive relationship at last (if they have hated each other for years and he has beaten her in the past).