advice please

have been with mypartner for 3 years now. and have now learnt that he is very bad with money. ive got debts now with cheque cashing companies, loans with bank and a couple of credit cards. now we have moved into a shared house (shared with friends thank god!). and i stupidly said yes to letting the rent come out as a standing order from my account and he gives me money for his half of the rent. i have to pay both our bills, and also some of the money towards if we go out . he pays all the food and for his car.
its sad cos i love him to bits, but the situation is doing my head in.
if i suggest money saving, after few weeks he will say he has to go out and spend money as he is too depressed to stay in.
also as he refuses to make an effort to save, it means that i have to absorb any unforseen costs such as car breakdowns, phones breaking ect.
basically i am left with nothing for myself after trying to payoff debts, then i have to get backinto debt again to support my other half. i feel like im stuck !


  • Paparika
    Paparika Posts: 2,476 Forumite
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    I'd stop paying for his bits and bobs, if his car breaks down perhaps travelling on public transport for a while will make him wake up, especially stood at a bus stop in the pouring rain.

    Look after yourself, keep a savings account for yourself and never let him know about it (the get out of a relationship fund.)

    The only way for someone to learn is they have to learn to go without first.
    Life is about give and take, if you can't give why should you take?
  • Glad
    Glad Posts: 18,865 Senior Ambassador
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    Hi, Martin’s asked me to post this in these circumstances: I’ve asked Board Guides to move threads if they’ll receive a better response elsewhere (please see this rule) so this post/thread has been moved to another board, where it should get more replies. If you have any questions about this policy please email [EMAIL=""][/EMAIL] :)
    I am a Senior Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on the Wales, Small Biz MoneySaving, In My Home (includes DIY) MoneySaving, and Old style MoneySaving boards. Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any posts you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button, or by emailing views are my own and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.
  • BlueFleur

    I'd go with Paparika and suggest separate finances. I live with my bf and we've both got debts of different sorts. I've found that the fairest way for us to split bills etc is to agree the split and then stick to it like mad. Maybe you could talk to your other half and agree what he will contribute to rent and bills etc. Then if he wants to go out or you do, you pay your own way. You will then have the ability to control your own finances and step away from his. It seems harsh but when he sees you getting rid of debt, spending when you want to and saving the rest, he'll be more motivated to sort his own money out. Good luck whatever yuo choose, I think money is always tricky in relationships.
  • Lula-Hula
    Lula-Hula Posts: 7,868 Forumite
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    sorry to be blunt but you dont 'have' to pay for anything you dont want to. You are not responsible for him, I'm assuming he's over 18 ?

    I talk from 5 years of similar experience which eventually resulted in half of what you see on my sig below :rolleyes: .

    If he wants a home then he needs to pay for that, if he want utilities then he needs to pay for them, if he wants to own & drive a car then he needs to pay for that also. Same goes for all the other stuff you're struggling to pay.

    Sounds harsh but you need to look after yourself & much as you love him it doesnt sound like he's the kind of guy you can rely on if things go bad. Try cutting off the financial support & see how much of an effort he makes to sort himself out, if he doesnt then you either accept that you will always have to take care of him or you walk away ...

    good luck

    lula x
  • bootsalebabe
    Hi loopylou5, can i ask how old you are and could you post your statement of earnings and your boyfriends
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