What a mess - advice please.

ChasingButterflies

Hi,

A week ago I found out my Mum was having her house reposessed, so dh and I made all the arrangements regarding getting her things over here (we live 130 miles away) We spent all weekend loading up a van and running her things over here. There were boxes and boxes of paperwork, so in an effort to try and clear some room I started sorting through the paperwork.

Since about late 2006 Mum started gambling well it looks like playing puggies and the phone in shows that run through the night. Then in mid 2007 she started gambling online as well as the above. We knew she had got herself into a pickle in 2007 (she has always had cashflow problems and we had regularly lent her small sums to tide her over which she had always paid back) in 2007 we lent her a sum of money to get herself straight... this is basically when all the lies started. DH spoke to mum (she predominatly ask him if she could borrow money knowing that he wouldn't tell me because I get really worried about her when I know she is in a financial mess) she admitted she had a problem and said that she had blocked all the sky channels and would get herself sorted. We told her that asking dh for the money had to stop, that she had to ask me. When she asked DH he refused, so that she would have to come to me.

She remortgaged in late 2007 and led me to belive that was her all sorted but she was always skint, I thought that this was because she was cutting back to pay her debts etc.Then in May this year she was crying on the phone saying that she had forgotten to pay her tax bill and the tax office were going to put an arrestment on her wages. Apparently I couldn't pay them over the phone due to data protection so I ended up trasferring the money into her account.

Last night I found the paperwork for this period and the tax bill. I am just so hurt that she has lied to us over and over and over again.

She is moving in here tomorrow since she will be homeless from 11.30am and I do not know how I can look at her; I have bearly slept in the past week. I have cried very quietly in a room surrounded by Mum's things and now I a left wondering what on earth I do from here?

I think she is far from admitting she has a problem. I don't think I can help her unless she wants to be helped and I can't trust her.

On the positive side she wanted us to get a loan out for her (her credit is shot - even before this) I asked her for bank and credit card statements for the past year... she stopped calling/visiting then. I guess I had a gut feeling that there was something wrong - she has a good wage and I couldn't understand where it was all going...

Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do? I feel sick with worry. Everytime I think I can't get any worse, it does.

basketcase

Didn't want to read and run, but can't give any advice. Can't give anything but a hug, I'm afraid.

milliebear00001

So sorry you have found all this out. It must be so hard to take whe it's your own mum. Bottom line is, your mum has an addition. Her behavours, the lying, putting the 'hit' of gambling above everything else, is because of her illness. She must want to seek help, and get that help. She should visit her GP, or contact Gamblers Anonymous directly, but be aware that only she can help herself out of this situation - will power will be all. Do not fund her anymore (obviously) and tell her she must admit her problem and seek help if she wants to retain your help and support. The reassure her that you will be with her every step of the way.

On a practical level, she need to sort out a debt plan - CAB or one of the other free agencies can help her do this. Make an appointment after going through all the debt paperwork with her so that you have a realistic idea of what she owes to whom - make sure you get an honest answer!

Be aware that if she is living with you, those debts will be registered at your address - it is in your interest to make sure a payment plan is in place and stuck to, even if only to avoid bailiffs on your doorstep.

milliebear00001

sorry for poor typing - that should read 'addiction' obviously!

ChasingButterflies

Thanks basketcase - your id made me smile.

milliebear - the thing that worries me is that she isn't going to admit she has a problem when all the paperwork says the opposite. :eek: at baliffs at my door - see I told you everytime I think it can't get any worse...

I know that it is an addiction and she isn't in control (lots if the post was unopened) and is in denial.

Mum has always been pants with money - when I was a kid I answered the door to bailiffs on more than one occasion. I always vowed that my kids would never go through that. But if I pay her arrears on the CC then she will be able to fund her addiction The first thing she does when her wages go into her bank a/c is gamble it. She has a serious OD too...

The bailiffs can't take our things can they?

Sorry about more questions.

eta - she did say that she wasn't going to give our address but tbh I don't see how she couldn't not give an address - however ability to lie convincingly has been pretty well perfected.

On a practical level I have - blocked all the sky gambling channels, reduced our credit limit on the phone line, dh is going to take a look at the wireless router tonight to figure out how to stop her going online in the middle of the night (or if he is really clever how to stop her accessing the merchants - where you load the money onto the site) I still have a good dozen boxes or so of paperwork to sift through. I have bundles of organised chaos upstairs... I will pull out all the stuff that it looks like hasn't/needs to be paid. I just can't face doing it just now... and I need to get a wriggle on and get ready to pick the kids up from school.

milliebear00001

She could of course just not change the address, but then all her mail would go to her old house and nothing would be dealt with! In terms of bailiffs, no, they can't take your property as long as you can prove the debts are not in your name, but they can make life extremely unpleasant (as you probably already know by the sounds of things).

You need to talk to her and persuade her to get help. It really is her only option. Don't give her room to wriggle. Either she gets help for the addiction or you can't support her (and that must mean house her) anymore. It's a fair enough deal, although I know it will be very hard to stick to).

Do not attempt to pay off any of her debts. You need to work out what she owes where and take it all to CAB or Credit Counselling Service who will negotiate repayment terms for your mum based on her income. They may even be able to help with having the money deducted before she can get her hands on it (perhaps by having it paid into your account for example).

elle_gee

Didn't want to read and run.. Haven't got any advice, other than I've read about GamBlock software on here (in the DFW forum I think) which blocks gambling websites. Maybe you could put that on your home PC (and any laptop or PC your mum is bringing with her). I think there's an annual fee but no doubt it would be worth it.

JanM_2

Sorry to hear about your problems with your mum. It must be devastating. One thing you could do if you are worried out her post being delivered to your home: she can set up for her post at her last address to be automatically redirected to your home via the post office (same as what you would do if you had moved home yourself). Anybody sending mail to her this way would not know of your address. You could arrange for this for a few months until things sort out.

ChasingButterflies

elle_gee - Thanks I have looked up the software which would be good for my laptop and the kids comp. Mums laptop is provided by her work though and I don't think I can actually install anything on it (i.e. in practical terms I am not an admin and tbh the last thing I think we need is for her employers to find out)

Re the redirection of post - I basically told her to set it up. Her response was to say that she knew the guys at the delivery office really well and she wouldn't need to do it until Thursday. My thoughs are that she has no intention of having it redirected as that makes it easier for her to hide from. I can't set it up without her signature.

I guess with the bailiffs I just need to read up on our rights - so that I know where we stand.

Last night when I found the demands for immendiate payment for bills I put them to one side and was totting it up in my head thinking about how to clear the worst of it for her. Today I know I can't do that but that means that at some point there will be a couple of burly blokes at my door.

She has no other family apart from me, there is my aunt but mum will never say anything to her quite rightly thinking that she will probably gloat. I just can feel this all coming down to me and it shouldn't be on my shoulders it should be on hers. If I had the energy I would scream!

eta - I found the gamanon site last night. There is a local meeting in a town close by - although how I get her to want to go there I do not know.

searching_me

hi my mother is a serious gambler and has been for many many many years (long before i was ever born im 23 by the way)... like your mother shes lied to me stole money from me and my DD and when she had my DD would take her with her to the slot machines (which hurt and angered me so much as i had spent most my childhood)... i now have nothing to do with her due to this and a fair few other problems... but i say make her face what she has done show her exactly where she could be without your help and for crying out loud (as i found to my mistake) do not let her have any control over money until she gets herself sorted... its a hard job a head of you but still theres only so much you can do if shes not willing to help herself no matter what you do (eg. get a loan for her in your name) she will continue to use you and your DH.

ChasingButterflies

searching_me - Thanks hun, my childhood was pretty much the same and I have freaked out at her when she has had my children with her and done the same to them. She has also "borrowed" money from our ds. The thing is now that we are looking at things a different way, there are so many more lies there to see. Like when her purse was stolen (after she had withdrawn money from an atm to pay us back...)

I don't see how I can be in control of her money though. How can I? She would have to choose to have it put into my account etc and I just don't see how that would work

There are just so many lies, I am struggling to know what to think anymore. Also feeling like a bit of a fool :rotfl:but then again I didn't have a crystal ball or any special skills to see into the future.