Me or her?

Bismarck

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

..

Don't have them until you want them, but also don't wait until you think you can afford them - that will never happen.

completely agree....

take care with the stressful times...

fudgecat

When under extreme stress, partners can release the tension, worry and anxiety in anger. Things are said that are not really believed, but which will serve as temporary weapons. As you OH clearly understood the situation, and as your book-keeper must have seen it coming, I would imagine this is the source of her irrational accusations. She may not truly believe half of the things she is saying to you.
You are obviously worried sick (and so is she), however life-style changes do come with adversity - and certainly with children. Many of them can be positive. All the other posters were quite correct about "costing families". Before we had two children I could prove with a battery of calculations how it was impossible to afford kids. When we lost our house several years later (and nothing to do with having children), I similarly worked out on paper how we would never recover from the blow. Wrong, both times (so much for rational thought). Posting a SOA might help better heads than mine advise you of ways through the current financial labyrinth. There will be a solution.

Emmy_L

I think perhaps this has less to do with money,and more about where you both see yourselves being at the moment.
She is obviously very committed to this relationship and ready to settle down with you (hence the fact that she is trying to find the money each month to pay for a baby!LOL)
For you though,you have been through a rough time and are probably still grieving for the loss of your business and all of the other emotions that go with this,including guilt,fear,embarrassment and all the rest of it!
I do agree that perhaps she is being a little tunnel visioned about the issue of the baby,and if you are having to sell something to pay for HER debt,then what is she doing to help you sort yours out?
Agree with the fact that there can never be a 'perfect' time to have a baby,life just doesnt work that way.
Are there any other reasons why you dont want a baby?Do you see yourself with your girfriend for the rest of your life?Or have not thought about the future in those terms?
Neither of you are right or wrong in this instance,and if the pair of you carry on trying to place the blame on the other then you will both just end up as losers.
I hope you find the answers you are looking for
~hug~

Simon_M_2

Emmy_L wrote: »

I think perhaps this has less to do with money,and more about where you both see yourselves being at the moment.
She is obviously very committed to this relationship and ready to settle down with you (hence the fact that she is trying to find the money each month to pay for a baby!LOL)
For you though,you have been through a rough time and are probably still grieving for the loss of your business and all of the other emotions that go with this,including guilt,fear,embarrassment and all the rest of it!
I do agree that perhaps she is being a little tunnel visioned about the issue of the baby,and if you are having to sell something to pay for HER debt,then what is she doing to help you sort yours out?
Agree with the fact that there can never be a 'perfect' time to have a baby,life just doesnt work that way.
Are there any other reasons why you dont want a baby?Do you see yourself with your girfriend for the rest of your life?Or have not thought about the future in those terms?
Neither of you are right or wrong in this instance,and if the pair of you carry on trying to place the blame on the other then you will both just end up as losers.
I hope you find the answers you are looking for
~hug~

Hi Emmy, thanks for the hug :beer: I understand about there never being a perfect time for kids, however when the facts are facing you that you will be at least £250 in the red each month I feel this is a bit overwhelming. I have suggested selling the house and downsizing but again this is not an option Oh well will have to see hat the next week brings.

LilacPixie

Simon I may be stating the obvious but you are working shifts in a factory and your GF is an accountant. You have mentioned you can't afford kids because she would have to stop working. Have you considered you being the main carer?? I am guessing an accountant would earn more than a factory worker anyway.

I am sure there are two sides to this story but I personally think that there is alot more to this than meets the eye and alot more than you have told us.

Please consider the real reason you acted as you did. Was it fear?? Please also consider your realationship, you appear to have a hers and yours thing going on. If you do have children in the future then really there is no hers and yours is the familys or the households.

That being said your creditors can't get what you don't have. As long as you can pay the essential bills then £1 token payments to everyone else is the order of the day.

Simon_M_2

LilacPixie wrote: »

Simon I may be stating the obvious but you are working shifts in a factory and your GF is an accountant. You have mentioned you can't afford kids because she would have to stop working. Have you considered you being the main carer?? I am guessing an accountant would earn more than a factory worker anyway.

I am sure there are two sides to this story but I personally think that there is alot more to this than meets the eye and alot more than you have told us.

Please consider the real reason you acted as you did. Was it fear?? Please also consider your realationship, you appear to have a hers and yours thing going on. If you do have children in the future then really there is no hers and yours is the familys or the households.

That being said your creditors can't get what you don't have. As long as you can pay the essential bills then £1 token payments to everyone else is the order of the day.

Lilac, I may be being a little thick here but if you read the thread over again you will see that up until very recently I was running my own business, which paid our bills no problem.

I am not sure what you mean by real reason? And a lot more to the story than meets the eye?

I am currently doing everything to keep a roof over our heads yet I am getting the blame for the problems

maz1964

hi Simon

im sorry to hear you are having a difficult time, i think what has been already said, as ive read through the replies are worth noting

i think if my opinion is of any use to you, is that its time for a big chat with your other half, and whilst this may appear as its not going to achieve anything as you feel you are getting the blame , it has to be done calmly and without any blaming from both of you

i can understand from where you are coming from re the debts you do sound very stressed and i can relate to you lashing out, she was your accountant and must have been aware of your circumstances but maybe didnt quite believe what was happening,

so if you can sit down and pretty soon and try and talk it all through, if not may i suggest you write down what is troubling you and your concerns re debts , baby , your relationship, and she does likewise and then swap letters and then reply back, at least it could be done in a bit of calm way and then try and talk about it after you have both had time to digest it all properley

just a thought at this time of morning, maybe a mad one, but really this aint going to go away it will either make or break your relationship, and all i can add is you both need to really be honest with each other to find a good solution to all you are both facing

good luck, and let us know how you get on

big hugs

ciao MAZ

LilacPixie

Well Simon if you care to re read your posts in a total impartial manner you may see what I am seeing.

You have titled your post 'her or me' which in my eyes shows that you do not consider yourselves to be a team. You state that next year with things currently as they are you will be £200+ a month down 'when she has to stop work' yet you appear unwilling to consider another option like your stopping work to be the main carer if her earnings potential is higher. For some reason you appear to be blinkered nd convinced a baby isn't a viable option and I personally think there is another reason for that but only you can answer that.

Your posts are all I I I. You seem to be very focused on what others think of you but seem to have less inclination to focus on the future with your GF, i.e having kids.

It really does not matter what was getting paid and by who months ago because your business has closed down. What matters is the present time and at the present time your income has dropped yet your partners hasn't.

Also dare i suggest that to have racked up enough debt to require a DMP tends to indicate that you had been living beyond your means prior to the business closing anyway. I know it isn't nice and isn't something that you can change now but if you had saved in the past for those larger items rather than using credit then you wouldn't be in this situation but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

In my opinion money is not the issue here there is something far deeper. Only you can sort that out.

deedee_3

Several posters have already suggested it and I am going to reiterate it, get your SOA up on here and lets see what can be done to help you practically.

http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

Have you looked for better paid less stressful jobs?

Have you looked at your financial situation if you were the carer instead of your other half?

Cerisa

perhaps she is annoyed because as an accountant who did your books, she saw you spend large amounts of money on a car and caravan, yet you are saying that children are too expensive. So essentially she feels you think having a new car is more important than the two of you having a child together. She has a point, especially if you are refusing to discuss things with her. Also remember that as an accountant she probably knows a hell of a lot more about money than you and possibly has the potential to earn more. Don't assume she should be the one to stay home.