Me or her?

Simon_M_2

Hi all, feeling really down tonight

Long story short:

I ran my own business for nearly 5 years, I recently had to close it due to lack of business. I am now working shifts in a factory which I must admit is killing me, but hey I have got bills to pay.

I am now doing a DMP for £100 per month as this is all I can afford. So no more nice things. My OH is on at me all the time, when we first got into debt problems about 6 months she blamed me for everything saying I should have not bought a new car (5k) or bought a caravan (3.5k), both of which were bought long before I had to close the business. As you can see these were not massive overspends by any means, the car I needed as my old one had 120k on the clock and I was doing 30k a year. The caravan I bought to give us a bit of together time at the weekend, yet both of these things have been thrown back in my face.

She is now constantly on about us having kids, we have both worked out the sums and this time next year due to our mortgage going up if we do have a child we will be minus £235 per month, excluding costs for the new baby :eek:

This weekend I flipped out after an argument on Friday night, something I have never done before. I am truly gutted about this, although I never laid a finger on my OH and never would I really did loose it and it scared me. Ever since I have been reflecting on my actions and tonight OH asked me what was wrong , I pointed out that I was stressed out about the situation and the fact that she wants kids although I don't think we can afford them just yet. So again she blaims me for everything and storms off to bed.

As I have no one else to talk to, her family think she is the best thing since sliced bread and my mum would love to see me fail I have no one to ask opinions of or talk to. I am a strong willed person but this is really getting me down. I am in the wrong here?

Thanks all, Simon

Willsnarf1983

stressful time mate, i can't really help but wanted to reply

does she work?

Will

Buffythedebtslayer

i think it is really difficult when one person has understood the enormity of what is happening and the other person hasn't.

I think you being on a debt management plan maybe suggests to her that everything is ok so why don't you just get on with when for you it represents how bad things are.

You are clearly very stressed and worried about the future. How much does she know of what is going on?

To be honest with you if she knows everything and is behaving like that then its not great -she is being unfair.

but if she doesn't know the whole story then I can see her point, you know whats the big deal!
It must be a little confusing for her - new car new caravan - family stuff, things going well, business closes and everything is bad?

I don't think you are wrong I think you either need to explain it to her OR realise she is n't very supportive?

xxx

fudgecat

Sorry you are feeling so low. There are two sides to every argument, obviously, but did your OH make no contributions to your spending and the current situation? Was she also involved in the setting up of the DMP?
I am intrigued that you think your mum would love to see you fail - unlikely as most mothers are fiercly protective of their children of any age, This would explain the attitude of you OH`s family. Have you consideredany form of counselling? Your GP would arrange this (make sure she/he knows of all the recent stress and causes). Starting a family should never be undertaken lightly, so joint counselling before any irrevocable steps might be wise.
If your OH had a plan (and possibly a biological imperative) to start a family, and sees this becoming impossible in the current circumstances, her anger may be a form of mouring for a percieved lost future. Just my thoughts, but you are never as alone as you feel in the darkest moments...

Cleosmum

I think you need to forget about who is right and work together to get these debts paid off. Do you both work? Have you posted an up to date SOA here recently? Have you sold the caravan and/or car to go towards debt repayment? Anything else at home thats not needed that can go on ebay to help? When working out baby funds did you take into consideration that you will get working and child tax credits and child benefit? Also, if you do it properly then baby items can cost little or no money, family and friends like to spoil and there is ebay, car boots and freecycle, not to mention hand me downs.

Sorry to waffle, tired!

seven-day-weekend

..And the £8.5k isn't what is stopping you having a baby - they cost a great deal more than that!

Don't have them until you want them, but also don't wait until you think you can afford them - that will never happen.

FWIW, I think your expenditure is reasonable, from what you have said so far.

Simon_M_2

Thanks for the replies all. Just to confirm, she does work at the minute but wants to start a family, something I am fine with if we could afford it whne she has to stop working lol.

Buffy, she is an account who also does my books so she new exactly how things were. As I said, the car and caravan were purchased long before the business had to close.

I have been open and honest every step of the way but I seem to get treated like it is my fault, maybe I am reading too much into the situation

mademistakes

Hiya, Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.
As has already been said, you need to make sure your OH is aware of the full situation.
With regards to the baby scenario. The only thing I can say is that if most couples waited until they could afford to have a baby, then there wouldnt be many baby bumps about. Having a baby totally changes the way you spend - in a good way - it really kick starts you into looking after every penny. Not that I would recommend having a baby if you're in dire straights.
Me and my hubby had our baby when our money problems were at their worst, and we did manage. The situation is not ideal for us at the moment (voluntary repossession will soon be lurking), but we'll survive it and hopefully come through it a lot stronger.
Hope it all works out for you!
:hello:

chevalier

Hmm this is a toughy. You KNOW how bad things are, and I would guess in her hearts of hearts she knows too. I mean she couldn't have missed the red letters etc from creditors etc.

BUT like a lot of people, she had a subconscious life plan you know like
OH is doing the business, we are ok for money, we have had the new car, caravan, so now is children time.....etc etc.... Then suddenly the business closes, and you are doing shifts at a factory to make ends meet, AND going on a DMP. Suddenly the life that was there in here subconscious is suddenly not going to happen any more. So she lashes out because of that change.

But she isn't taking into account that you must be pretty gutted about things going pear shaped too. Working shifts IS a shock to the system is you haven't done them before, but also now you may not be around so much too, so that impacts on her.

Ref the children bit, well the first thing to say is does she work? If so would she get statutory maternity pay? And have a look on www.entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits you would get if you had a drop in pay. If she isn't working then if she wants a child she is going to have to work first to clear the debts down to more manageable levels.

Also children don't HAVE to be expensive. IF YOU ARE NOT PROUD THAT IS. So she gets pregnant, from then to the birth you buy say a pack of wetwipes or cotton wool balls or whatever each week in your shopping. When family/friends know and they offer stuff then say YES. I literally didn't buy clothes for my DS for 18 months, because I got given two lots of boys clothes from friends. And even after that I got about half what I needed.

www.freecycle.org is a great place for picking up bigger items that people can't be bothered to ebay, like cribs, moses baskets, changing tables, baby baths etc. And again when people say about buying stuff for the baby, then if it is family perhaps you could ask for them to contribute to the car seat (the one thing I wouldn't get second hand), and a stroller, rather than newborn baby clothes that look cute but only last a couple of weeks. And of course there is ebay for bundle of baby clothes which you can get pretty cheap ( ie the whole first 6 months for say £150)

It might also be a hormonal thing if you are getting older. The old ticking biological clock.

So no you are not in the wrong, and if she is carping on all the time, it is ok to lose your rag. You don't need the extra stress. But also try and see it from her point of view.
chev

Buffythedebtslayer

hmmm then that sounds to me, like she isn't being very fair? if she knows what is going on then she should be invovled in paying it back and sorting it out.

I don't know I guess it depends on her age? in terms of having a baby.

I would think that is what is worrying her. well i am guessing - if she is say over 30? and really wants kids.

sorry I wish I could be more help but I am so sleepy!

I think talking to her asking her how she feels?

I wonder if she is used to being looked after(by her family and now by you) but now feels a bit worried that she won't be ?

xxxxxxxxx

Simon_M_2

fudgecat wrote: »

I am intrigued that you think your mum would love to see you fail - unlikely as most mothers are fiercly protective of their children of any age, This would explain the attitude of you OH`s family

My Mum has sever depression and for some reason has always wanted me to fail rather than do well, why? I don't know.

Cleosmum wrote: »

I think you need to forget about who is right and work together to get these debts paid off. Do you both work? Have you posted an up to date SOA here recently? Have you sold the caravan and/or car to go towards debt repayment? Anything else at home thats not needed that can go on ebay to help? When working out baby funds did you take into consideration that you will get working and child tax credits and child benefit? Also, if you do it properly then baby items can cost little or no money, family and friends like to spoil and there is ebay, car boots and freecycle, not to mention hand me downs.

Sorry to waffle, tired!

We both work, I am on a DMP with PayPlan, they confirmed that I had £72 PM and the minimum is £100 PM so I am asking OH for the extra £28 PM.

The caravan is up for sale, the OH is going to use this to pay off her £3k loan to HSBC to free up £199 PM for the baby. My car is now worth £1500 so is it worth selling?

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

..And the £8.5k isn't what is stopping you having a baby - they cost a great deal more than that!

Don't have them until you want them, but also don't wait until you think you can afford them - that will never happen.

FWIW, I think your expenditure is reasonable, from what you have said so far.

The 8.5k has nothing to do with it at this minute, if we have a baby I have worked that including bebefits we will have a £235 per month shortfall just to pay the bills as they are now.