Marriage possible split advice need re child / money.

Viper_7

anniehanlon wrote: »

if you "utterly love her and adore her" for god sake show her.
give her a cuddle, put your arms around her and tell her how much you love her. not just today but every day, be positive, spend quality time with her and your daughter, go to the park, go to the zoo. any marriage can be saved if you really want it to. I have been married 40 years, i was married at 18 and the best advice i can give is - if both of you give 60percent and only take 40percent you cant go far wrong. dont think life has been a bowl of cherries, there have been times when i have wanted to walk till my hat floated (and probably him too ) but with the old 60/40 formula everything works out.
you have a beautiful daughter and im pretty sure she is paramount to both of you - good luck to you all

I do my friend, I do. Every day.
I take nothing for granted.
your words are as I think.

On here, I'm thinking worse scenario... back home I'm only thinking positive.
We are out together all the time, Saw Lazy Town live! last weekend at the theater. great show!! As said, don't know the reasons why I am where I am.

Thing I love the most about my daughter... when she's asleep and I whisper in her ear that I love her she nods! breaks my heart every time! Oh man she's the best.

Vipes

DigitalJedi

Hi Viper

I feel for you. This sounds very similar to my old situation. How old is your daughter?

I split from my kids mum when my kids were 1 & 5. At the time my ex seemed unable to cope with anything and nothing I ever did seemed to be enough.

Now six years on, we are on friendly terms and we've discussed the past on several occasions. She was ill, we just didn't know it. Now she's better. Plus the kids were young at the time and you tend to think that life is always going to be like that. But things change. Kids grow up and get easier. You get more "me" time back.

So i hope that if you cannot get through to your wife that perhaps a trusted friend or relative can. Because it would be a real shame to hear another enter the world of single parenting.

Been there, still here mate. I think with the benefit of hindsight if both of us could turn back the clock six years, we'd both choose to stay together. But unfortunately too much water has flowed and that particular boat has sailed.

Last thing is that one lesson i've learned is that splitting up often isn't the solution to your problems. All it does it give you a different set of problems.

tsstss7

DigitalJedi wrote: »

Hi Viper

I feel for you. This sounds very similar to my old situation. How old is your daughter?

I split from my kids mum when my kids were 1 & 5. At the time my ex seemed unable to cope with anything and nothing I ever did seemed to be enough.

Now six years on, we are on friendly terms and we've discussed the past on several occasions. She was ill, we just didn't know it. Now she's better. Plus the kids were young at the time and you tend to think that life is always going to be like that. But things change. Kids grow up and get easier. You get more "me" time back.

So i hope that if you cannot get through to your wife that perhaps a trusted friend or relative can. Because it would be a real shame to hear another enter the world of single parenting.

Been there, still here mate. I think with the benefit of hindsight if both of us could turn back the clock six years, we'd both choose to stay together. But unfortunately too much water has flowed and that particular boat has sailed.

Last thing is that one lesson i've learned is that splitting up often isn't the solution to your problems. All it does it give you a different set of problems.

Great post digital jedi - i have to agree that the first five years of parenthood are the hardest ...thay can be a real shock to the system for a woman used to a highly socialble life of work and friends (I speak from experience :rolleyes: ). Viper please try harder with your oh to sort out problems -even if it doesn't work out isn't it worth the effort?

Also please don't undervalue your Oh's contribution to your dd's upbringing, children need mums too!!

Loretta

Viper_7 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, and that is what I did kind of expected as the law is so biased.

I do nearly all the house work.
When I am at home I do all the caring whilst she goes out with her friends.
My daughter prefers me to her.
If I gave up my house to her - she wouldn't be able to afford to keep it. note I said I've not just paid for everything SINCE our daughter but for 4 years previous, so having our Daughter hasn't changed anything.
She couldn't afford to bring up our daughter on her own - and would need every benefit there is available.
If she worked full time she'd take home about 15K
She doesn't work full time as she can't cope with the hours.
As said you're right that she's the main carer - but she's at nursery all day - so she's not actually doing much caring, and soon she'll be at school, so again not doing much caring.
I know it sounds mean saying she's worth less - but she is dumping me in the meat grinder here, just because she's "bored" and wants a more single life going out more, knowing she can just move in with her parents who would then and probably would bring up our daughter whilst I have worked damn hard to support us all. I'd rather stay at home full time.
I really don't see why I should split the assets of the house when she hasn't contributed to it at all. I have every single bank statement/visa bill for the past 10 years proving all of this.
and.. I'm a damn good Dad if I say so myself.

I know i'm being very cold here, but I feel I have to be before I turn into a blubbering wreck.

Your wife would not need to claim any benefits, you earn £65K a year and if you seperate you would continue to support both her and your daughter, I don't understand why you think you wouldn't.

This really seems all about money to you, 'how much will it cost me if we split up'

Viper_7

Loretta wrote: »

Your wife would not need to claim any benefits, you earn £65K a year and if you seperate you would continue to support both her and your daughter, I don't understand why you think you wouldn't.

This really seems all about money to you, 'how much will it cost me if we split up'

I can't deny the "cost" aspect is on my mind, but I'm just being totally upfront about it.
It's obviously not my main concern, my main concern is my Wife and Daughter, their happiness comes before cost but I'd be wrong just to dismiss cost and not think about it. I'd not only be supporting them, I'd need to support myself, being separated would put costs through the roof, talking money in a Marriage is a bit shallow but you have to be honest it can't be ignored hence why I mentioned it.

Viper_7

DigitalJedi wrote: »

Hi Viper

I feel for you. This sounds very similar to my old situation. How old is your daughter?

I split from my kids mum when my kids were 1 & 5. At the time my ex seemed unable to cope with anything and nothing I ever did seemed to be enough.

Now six years on, we are on friendly terms and we've discussed the past on several occasions. She was ill, we just didn't know it. Now she's better. Plus the kids were young at the time and you tend to think that life is always going to be like that. But things change. Kids grow up and get easier. You get more "me" time back.

So i hope that if you cannot get through to your wife that perhaps a trusted friend or relative can. Because it would be a real shame to hear another enter the world of single parenting.

Been there, still here mate. I think with the benefit of hindsight if both of us could turn back the clock six years, we'd both choose to stay together. But unfortunately too much water has flowed and that particular boat has sailed.

Last thing is that one lesson i've learned is that splitting up often isn't the solution to your problems. All it does it give you a different set of problems.

Thanks.
I've done just that last night, my sister and Wife's best friend have suggested a night out next Friday and they will speak to her and maybe suggest she seek some help if
it does look like depression or something.
I'm feeling positive, we are getting on well, she's not being cold to me, we are as we usually are, living life and having fun.
You hit the nail right on the head though, in that breaking up would probably cause more problems and solve little that's exactly how I think it would be.

Time's a good healer, I just hope I have enough of it

Vipes