Marriage possible split advice need re child / money.

Viper_7

Apologies if this has been discussed before - and I'm sure it has but often similar situations are often very much different.

I'm looking for advice from first a Fathers perspective and a financial perspective.
I'll summaries what I think matters the most and also how I think I stand.

Married for 8 years
Single child nearly 4 yrs old
Own home, still few years left on the mortgage
My income is circa 65K
OH circa 7k (p/t)

Basically marriage is in a bit of trouble, I have no idea why and trying to sort out what's what, but I feel I need a heads up on "what if"

Ok. So lets say we did split.

Where do I stand regarding my Daughter? I'm sure it would/should be a 50/50 split
Already I hate this as it makes me feel like she's property, but in the worse case scenarios it often does kind of turn out that way.

Now would it be 50/50? because:
I have made every mortgage payment and paid for every bill and paid for all maintenace. After and prior to her birth. OH has never paid anything. Home is in joint names. so would I be forced to sell and split? or would it be my house?? If my house and she moves out she would go back to her parents. does this mean I would have better stability/outlook for my Daughter and therefore have more access due to owning a home/financially stable etc??

I'll also add that as OH is part time when OH is not at home, little un is with the in-laws or nursery.
I start work early/finish early in order to be home early and do my utmost in being at home with my daughter whislt at the same time working my butt off for future security.


there is of course food/kiddies clothes etc.. but % wise I've forked out more in all cases. So financially I belive everything should be pretty much mine. now I don't know the law on this, and I know it's quite often an !!! no doubt I'll be shafted for trying to bring up my family as best I can.

Her career before we met and before Daughters Birth/aftert hasn't changed, in that if we hadn't met - or if we hadn't had a child I seriously doubt she would be earning more. so it's not as if I've stubbed her career.

also - how much would I be expected to pay in maintenace? say it was a 50/50 split of access? What's this based on? is it based on the number of days my "ex" would have her? dunno?

there's lots of other qustions, but I'm after the big two at the moment.

1. What happens regarding access and what determines how much each gets?
2. What happens to our home and who gets what - again as I've paid every penny into it.


damn this sucks...

Cheers all

RoxieW

My husband has paid every mortgage payments and pretty much every bill since I fell pregnant with our first child 6 years ago and we bought a house. It's a traditional set up - he goes out to work and I look after our 2 children, do the housework, organise our lives etc! Although he earns the money he is only able to pursue his career as I am the one running everything else/providing childcare - therefore in both our opinions everything we own is owned 50/50.
In fact, and I've never been through this but according to friends who have, she will be most likely to get main custody (if she wants it) of the children and as such is likely to be awarded a larger share.
For you to consider that she is worth less than you and that 'everything should be yours' is pretty mean and not fair in my view.
Your point about her career - well, even those who dont follow a high flying career path would be earning more that 7K a year had they not a child/husband/home to care for.

As your wife is primary childcarer now while you go out to work I cant see there being any good reason why a judge would award you 50/50 unless she agreed. If your wife wants full custody she will likely be granted that and you get weekends/holidays or whatever you can sort out between you. Besides, what would you do about work on your 50/50 access days? Or would you be expecting the majority of your time to fall on weekends so therefore not too disruptive? Hardly fair - if you did go for 50/50 you should expect to take thurs/fri/sat or whatever. Besides, do you not think 50/50 is abit disruptive to your daughters life?
Sorry if this isnt what you want to hear but the reality is, as a Dad and not the current primary caregiver, you would be granted weekend access or whatever, have to sign the house over to your wife with the proviso that you get some equity should she sell or when your daughter turns 16/18 and also pay maintainance, minimum of what the CSA sets. This is whats happened if every case I know of and I think exceptions to thins are pretty rare and require a long drawnout fight it out.

Viper_7

Thanks for your reply, and that is what I did kind of expected as the law is so biased.

I do nearly all the house work.
When I am at home I do all the caring whilst she goes out with her friends.
My daughter prefers me to her.
If I gave up my house to her - she wouldn't be able to afford to keep it. note I said I've not just paid for everything SINCE our daughter but for 4 years previous, so having our Daughter hasn't changed anything.
She couldn't afford to bring up our daughter on her own - and would need every benefit there is available.
If she worked full time she'd take home about 15K
She doesn't work full time as she can't cope with the hours.
As said you're right that she's the main carer - but she's at nursery all day - so she's not actually doing much caring, and soon she'll be at school, so again not doing much caring.
I know it sounds mean saying she's worth less - but she is dumping me in the meat grinder here, just because she's "bored" and wants a more single life going out more, knowing she can just move in with her parents who would then and probably would bring up our daughter whilst I have worked damn hard to support us all. I'd rather stay at home full time.
I really don't see why I should split the assets of the house when she hasn't contributed to it at all. I have every single bank statement/visa bill for the past 10 years proving all of this.
and.. I'm a damn good Dad if I say so myself.

I know i'm being very cold here, but I feel I have to be before I turn into a blubbering wreck.

alwaysonthego_2

It must be difficult for you, but unless your wife allows you to have 50/50 custody then you will have to fight it out in a court and in most cases the mother usually wins.

You need to get a good solicitor that deals with family law, but unfortunetly if your wife becomes the full time carer of your dd, she may get a bigger chunk of the equity. A good solicitor will be able to advice you further.

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/family_parent/family/ending_a_marriage.htm This link from the cab may be of interest.

RoxieW

Can you honestly say she hasnt contributed? Does your daughter go to nursery even when wife isnt working? Has she done this since birth?
If you really do most of the housework then big pat on the back - thats alot to do with a full time job. But my hubby would prob say he shares the housework - in reality he washes up once a week and hoovers every few days as I'm pregnant and have a back probelm which means I cant be lugging the hoover about. Not saying this is the case for you. If you do all the housework and your daughter is in nursery all day then `I would agree that you contribute more than your wife.
However, I dont think this would change the outcome. Unless your wife is incapable she would probably be granted custody - having lots of money and a house doesnt mean a judge would deem her unfit. Besides, if she cant keep the house, as you say, then you would have to sell and give her 50% of the equity so she would therefore, depending on your situation, have some money for a deposit or rent money for a while. Even if she choses to live with her parents, as long as there is room and it is a suitable environment I cant see it making a difference.
I'm not saying its fair, but thats the likelyhood in my opinion. That said if your wife really wants the single life, going out etc then she may agree to 50/50 shared access? You'll still have to split the assets - not sure about maintainance though.

Viper_7

Yes, she goes to nursery 5 days a week even when OH is working.
In laws look after her before and After nursery when one or the other picks her up after work.
She's been to nursery since 1 1/2 years.
Of course not since Birth, wife had a year off - and then didn't go back to work for 2 years - her choice, daughter again went to nursery.
I really do do all the housework, apart from the odd bit of ironing. she occasionally tickles the floor with the hover.
She has hinted at wanting full access - but to be honest I can't see her being the main carer then - but the retired - fit - grandparents whilst she works.

I'm not saying she's unfit, she's a good mum, I just think I have more to offer and more stability.
The more I read up on this, the more and more unfair it seems. You're wife can leave you for totally selfish reasons and take everything.
she then being the single parent would get loads of benefits and I'd get sod all and no Daughter.


also it all seems to come down to primary carer?
I can just as easily not work/part time and live off benefits as the next person.
Why should my work be seen as disruptive and not allow me access?

Why is the mother always seen as the most suitable carer?

again sorry for being so blunt and shallow but this is hurting.

cazziebo

A few of my male friends have custody (or sole care and control as it is in Scotland) and a couple have shared 50/50. So it's not a foregone conclusion that the current main care giver retains custody.

however, I'm with Roxie here. I think you are seriously underrating your wife's contribution to family life. Marriage and parenthood are both 50/50 and you can't ascribe more value to the input of one of the parties. I'm worried about your comment about your daughter preferring you - unless there are extreme circumstances then children will love each parent equally. They may have more fun with one or the other, but I don't believe they would have a preference in normal situations.

it is a horrible time and my heart goes out to you. Please put your daughter first in this - she's the one that's important. Do what's best for her. My daughters have a fantastic relationship with their dad and he has been more or less a weekend father almost all their lives. (Incidentally they also have a great relationship with their step mum) It suited his career and lifestyle to do it that way - just as it seriously compromised mine to be a full time single parent. (Don't mean that to sound bitter)

You will ALWAYS ALWAYS be your daughter's dad. I do hope you work it all out

XX

Viper_7

I know, I'm sounding horrid, I'm sounding bitter, but I'm a real family man and I hate some of things I've said as it's just not me.
Hopefully we can sort all this out.

I'm totally not underrating my wife's contribution, I totally and utterly love her and adore her as both wife and mother, and I totally appreciate I need to think of what's best for my Daughter - but... I also have to selfishly think of what's best for me. Should I really bend over and just take it and accept it?
Should I just say - here have the house you will need it.
Here's I'll continue to pay for your bills.
and thanks, I'm allowed to see my Daughter a couple of days a week, when i'm not working my butt off paying for everyone and trying survive myself and potentially looking at a future partner?

I don't want to be a weekend Father.
I don't want my wife to be a weekend mother.
Our Daughter needs us both equally.

I know things just don't work out sometimes...
I... I just don't know....

I won't go on.. thanks for you're input it's given me a lot to think about.

Spendless

Is there any chance of your marriage being saved?

Viper_7

Spendless wrote: »

Is there any chance of your marriage being saved?

Oh, God I hope so, I seriously don't know what's wrong. I just hope she opens up to me.
I know there is no one else, I'm half thinking she's not well/depression, but am I being selfish in blaming her for this? I've spoken to a few friends of both my wife and I and they too think she's not well.

I'm just mixed up right now difficult to tell your wife that she may not be well? could just push her further away...

Just going to have to take it as it comes and just be there like I always am, and I know I always will be in the future no matter what, but going back to my original post at the same time - I also must think about my own future and have as much information/experience to hand to draw upon during these difficult times.

Thanks all.

McKneff

if you "utterly love her and adore her" for god sake show her.
give her a cuddle, put your arms around her and tell her how much you love her. not just today but every day, be positive, spend quality time with her and your daughter, go to the park, go to the zoo. any marriage can be saved if you really want it to. I have been married 40 years, i was married at 18 and the best advice i can give is - if both of you give 60percent and only take 40percent you cant go far wrong. dont think life has been a bowl of cherries, there have been times when i have wanted to walk till my hat floated (and probably him too ) but with the old 60/40 formula everything works out.
you have a beautiful daughter and im pretty sure she is paramount to both of you - good luck to you all