ex and would be ex-gamblers support thread

hjsmum

Hi

I'm sorry to gatecrash this thread but I wonder if anyone could offer me some advice?

First of all congratulation to everyone whos doing so well kicking the habit (and don't give up those who have a slip up).

My OH has a gambling problem, he racked up thousands in debt a few years ago and as a result we both ended up going bankrupt. I thought this would be enough to make him realise he needed to stop but he still hasn't. I don't think he thinks its a problem anymore, as long as he only bets small amounts but to my mind the only reason he can only bet small amounts is that we only just have enough money to live on. Also I am thinking that while ever he gambles, the temptation to go big again will always be there.

How on earth do I get him to stop? I've threatened to leave him but don't feel that I actually can because it would hurt the kids so much (they're only little). I don't trust him and hate him for putting us in such an impossible situation. I'm sick of confronting him every time I find out only to have him faithfully promise to stop.

Any help would be sooo gratefully received and again sorry for gatecrashing.

x

Jay83

hjsmum wrote: »

Hi

I'm sorry to gatecrash this thread but I wonder if anyone could offer me some advice?

First of all congratulation to everyone whos doing so well kicking the habit (and don't give up those who have a slip up).

My OH has a gambling problem, he racked up thousands in debt a few years ago and as a result we both ended up going bankrupt. I thought this would be enough to make him realise he needed to stop but he still hasn't. I don't think he thinks its a problem anymore, as long as he only bets small amounts but to my mind the only reason he can only bet small amounts is that we only just have enough money to live on. Also I am thinking that while ever he gambles, the temptation to go big again will always be there.

How on earth do I get him to stop? I've threatened to leave him but don't feel that I actually can because it would hurt the kids so much (they're only little). I don't trust him and hate him for putting us in such an impossible situation. I'm sick of confronting him every time I find out only to have him faithfully promise to stop.

Any help would be sooo gratefully received and again sorry for gatecrashing.

x

I can relate with you completely, my partner has a gambling problem and for awhile it was going good and he was keeping himself amused playing the free poker games on facebook but now hes back on the real gambling i hate it!! sure sometimes he wins but its not the point im trying to get tips on how we can save money so we can one day afford our own place and he just seems happy to live with his parents forever. Im sorry im not much help for you, i just wanted to let you know you arent alone. *hugs*

I can understand someone playing and losing a set amount but i hate it when they lose that amount and resort to extreme measures to try and get that money back *pawning goods in the house* I wish he would just stop. x

GeorgeUK

It might help if you look back at some of the posts Ames has made and the comments about them. Her OH used to steal money from her account and kept making excuses.

I think when it gets right down to it, there really isn't anything you can do to help a gambler if they don't want help. If you can pin down the reason why they gamble or what sets them off to make them gamble you may be able to work on that with the gambler, but they are the ones that need to make the change - you can't change them.

For alot of online gamblers, it doesn't feel like real money and doesn't have the same impact if you lose - it's just numbers. I had to work out why i gamble and ask myself alot of searching questions so that i could stop. I know i'll always have a gambling problem, even if i never make another bet again - it's always going to be there. I'm just able to deal with it better now and am more aware of when i may be weak and get tempted so i can avoid it and remove myself from the situation.

If he has gone bankrupt and still gambles, then that's really bad.
If he has made you bankrupt and still gambles, he thinks more of gambling than he does of you.

Is he trying to win back the money?
How much does he need to win before he stops?
If he won that amount, he would never gamble again?
If not, then he's not gambling for the money so he needs to identify exactly why he is driven to do this.

Is it boredom, habit, escaping form the real world?

I'm afraid i can't give you any answers. Only he will be able to do that and even then you may need to walk away before he drags you down with him.

I've worked on my coping mechanisms so i no longer feel compelled to gamble. It was pretty hard to stay away and sometimes when i was on the computer i would just type the name of a betting site in automatically. Even then i fell off the wagon at the beginning (thought i could win through freerolls on poker and slowly build up a betting bank). When i lost that after a few weeks i just kept betting. I paniced and didn't know what else to do, didn't think of anything other than i NEED to win.

They need to accept that any money they have lost is gone for good and there is no getting it back. If they can't accept that they won't stop. Ask why they want to win the money back. Is it for their family, pride? You may need to point out that alot of gamblers lose more than just money. Gambling can make you focus, but it's usually on either the bet or on the gambler themselves. If they lose focus of their family and those close to them they can change and not get back to being the people you knew.

I hope you are able to work it out, but you need to remember that although his gambling affects you, it is not your problem to fix. If he can't or won't accept he has a problem or doesn't want to stop, you can't help him - so you need to take care of yourself.

hjsmum

Hi

Jay83 - thanks, it is nice to know you're not the only one. x

George - thanks I will read back through some posts (theres a blinking lot of them lol). I appriciate you taking the time to give me the 'other side' perspective.

I think when he ran up the big money he was chasing losses but now i think he just does it through boredom as he hasn't worked for about two and a half years although he has recently started a part time college course. I feel awful sneaking through his stuff to find bank statements to see what he's been up to and I feel so resentful towards him. He is turning me into a person I don't like in that respect.

I'm just at a complete loss

Thanks again, no-one in either family knows about this - it's OUR shameful secret. It helps to talk to someone at last. x

cantcope

Great post George.

HJ, do not feel guilty about going through his stuff. He is not working, he's made YOU bankcrupt and is still gambling.... Would he not be better off using the money he is gambling trying to make things up to you by saving it???

I hate to say it but a compulsive gambler when gambling gives very little thought to anyone else except for themself. Why is it your shameful secret? You havent done anything wrong.

Please talk to somebody, even if you just call a GA helpline someone will talk to you even though you arent the one with a gambling problem. Have a look on the GA website, there are lots of stories on there that may give you some more comfort that you aren't alone.

You do not have to put up with this but that is your decision. You wont be able to make him stop until he admits he has no control. You can then decide if you want to support him in stopping.

I gambled online for 14 months and destroyed everything i'd built up in the 30 years of my life. I lived alone so luckily for me my gambling affected only me. does that make sense? I lost almost everything. Most importantly my self respect, pride and sanity. Most problem gamblers dont gamble for the money. It's always something else. But dont take this as its you, ITS NOT.

I wish i could help you more but i'm not really sure what to say. Can you put a gambling block on the computer? I havent bet for 3 years (i got my pin last night ) but i still have a block on my laptop. Although i have no desire to gamble I would rather not have the opportunity there should that change. A bit like a dieter not having a big chocolate cake in the fridge.

How about you print off this thread and give it to him to read. He needs to stop but more importantly he has to want to stop.

I wish you all the best. Feel free to post on here as often as you like. There are a couple of people that have been in your situation that i'm sure would offer you support and advice when they next pass through xx

hjsmum

Hi Cantcope and thank you, you seem very nice just like GeorgeUK. I admire you both for kicking out the demons and your kind words have made me feel better

I had gathered that he doesn't think about us, it cuts me like a knife. I'd never do anything without thinking of the implications for him and the children. I thought that was part of being a family.

I have a mantra 'It's an illness, he can't help it' however i'm rapidly running out of patience. It's turning into 'He's a selfish ****, I hate him'.

We have seperate computers so I can't install the anti-gambling software on his computer. I have thought of getting the internet cut off but I was doing a part time university course until last year - I really needed the internet. Ok I don't now but I enjoy surfing the web, it's what I do in my down time. Should I have to give it up? I don't know anymore. He has certainly cited it as a reason in the past 'well if YOU'd get the internet cut off then I wouldn't be able to gamble (like it's my fault lmao).

Thanks again xx

cantcope

No i wouldnt say you have to get the internet cut off. I'm sorry my words about gamblers not caring hurt you, it wasnt my intention and i'll try to explain it a bit better.

I mean they care about little else other than the next bet, where we'll get the money from, how we'll pay bills etc.... it's not a conscious thing to not think about our families. I have always loved my family and friends and still do, BUT, when i was gambling it took over my life. I loved my family still but once i was in action they just weren't as important to me as a bet....

I have been told its an illness and i'm not sure i fully understand but what i do know is that it felt like a mental illness. All rationale went out of the window.

I wouldnt normally spend tens of thousands on a computer game. I wouldnt normally not sleep for days on end. I wouldnt normally not eat, lie to people, cry everyday, be so impatient..... you get the idea.

Since stopping i can see how crazy my life was and before i started i was a calm, sensible human being so something must have gone wrong. It wasn't a phase or a "blip". And maybe that's why its referred to as an illness.

It's easier to blame someone else for your problem than admit it to yourself so dont take it personally.

I think thats what i'm trying to say. When i say he doesnt care i also mean it's not personal. He probably doesnt care about himself very much either...

I'm going to stop now because i think i might just be making it worse. I'm a woman so get a bit emotional.... rather than to the point

George? can you explain it better??

hjsmum

Oh cantcope it wasn't you that upset me, please don't think that. You've really helped. I knew he didn't care already, thats what I meant - when I think about it, it really hurts.

I suppose I just don't unerstand really. To me, the children come before anything else, before me and before him. Clearly when he gambles he doesn't feel like this and i'm never going to understand unless I go through the same thing (which I won't of course - i've been well and truely vaccinated).

And the thing about the internet. I've thought many times about getting it cut off. I mean if he didn't have access he couldn't do it right? I've thought that maybe i'm enabling him in some way but I think it comes down to shear bloody mindedness on my part i.e. why should I give up something I like just because he can't control himself? I'm probably wrong, i'm just not sure. It's so had to talk to someone about thier problem when they won't even admit they have one.

Ames

If you cut off the internet, he'd find another way. Then he'd blame you again. To him he's not the one with a problem, you are. I'm sorry, but that's how it is. Unless he wants to change there's nothing you can do.

And don't think you've been vaccinated. Last night I did something very stupid - ex wanted me to go in on a bet with him. The way he explained it it was low risk etc. Then he went and put a higher risk bet on instead. I somehow got caught up in his enthusiasm, and once again fell for his lies. I don't know which makes me feel worse - that I lost money or that I enabled him. I sat with him when the game finished, I was upset, he was just laughing it off. Didn't see a problem at all. It's not just about the money for them (or him at least), it's the thrill and excitement. I don't think he was even enjoying watching the football, he was just constantly checking the scores for his results and bets.

So please don't think it's anything to do with you. It's really not.

cantcope

Hi Ames, lessons learned hey? I didnt enjoy my gambling in the end. it was just the most important thing in my life. I just HAD to do it. I didnt know why, i just had to. Maybe like a drug addict?? there was no fun in knowing that even if i won i knew damn well i'd just lose it all again anyway because i couldnt stop when i was winning and i couldnt stop when i was losing.

i'm proud that i'm dealing with it. things can get better. since i've stopped i've cleared my debt, accepted that i'll never ever get my savings back (profit from selling a property). I've now got a mortgage again, a nice car and i like myself. most of the time.

I hope the OH's of gamblers keep strong. remember its not your fault. never ever!!!!

off to feel sorry for myself now after having the pig flu jab tonight