Help! Don't know where else to go.

yorkshirepudding_4

oh and her having her own bedroom at his mums isn't a problem, they have a five bedroom house

Jet

yorkshirepudding I can see where you are coming from.

It sounds like you are a nice person who has got pushed into a situation and now realise you should have stood your ground a bit more.

The more he has your daughter, the happier he and her seem to be and the more damage it does to your already flagging self esteem?? Am I right?

Do you think he is doing this for the benefit of your daughter or simply to undermine you?

I can't help wondering what would happen if you said you wanted your 4 year old in nappies and drinking out of a bottle. Seems very odd behaviour to me to do this to a 4 year old.

If you decide that's it's to undermine you then, really the only way round it is to be prepared for either a fight or a lot of emotional blackmail because I suspect he's not used to you standing up to him - just being the nice woman who listens to him and let's him do as he pleases.

He might stop or reduce the maintenance and that's something you may have to come to terms with.

DaisyFlower

I think you have a good balance at the moment, you are BOTH your daughters parents and seem to have as equal a split on nights as possible.

If you are going to be home schooling, then she will be you all weekdays plus your time at the weekend and the other 3 nights.

Turn the tables around, would you only want to see your daughter one night a week etc?

ameliarate

Unfortunately you are now in a situation over which you have little control. Your ex has every right to bring his daughter up when she is with him in any way he sees fit, as do you.
Somehow you both have to find a way which is right for your daughter.
I get the impression that you are still on reasonable terms with your ex so perhaps you need to clarify your concerns with him in a nice calm way. It is possible they are allowing the nappies because she is having accidents and she may be having the accidents because she is confused by the whole situation.

As for your daughter not giving you the hugs you want, don't forget this is no doubt a fairly confusing time for her as well. Try and spend the time you have with her doing fun things, "begging" her for a hug is not a good idea, try getting her to sit with you and read and perhaps the hugs will then come more naturally.

Defiance in a four year old is not particularly unusual, I suspect you are just a little sensitive.

I am sure you will be able to work it out but it is bound to take time. Try and keep communitcating with your ex and his mum so that eventually you can all get into a happy routine that suits you all and especially is good for your daughter.

yorkshirepudding_4

no i would not be happy to only see her one night week but this is not what i am suggesting. i want her to only stay over one night a week, he can still see her on the evenings but i want her to sleep here as it is the sleeping that is the main issue.

yorkshirepudding_4

i also feel that i may lose some of the daytimes as he has a new partner who seems keen to have children and once she is at home with a child he will see me as surplus to requirements

yorkshirepudding_4

I feel like I am coming across like I want everything me own way and this is not the case. I just want what is best for my daughter, which is not automatically what I think is best but that she has consistency and the same rules and expectations in both homes. There is a lot that I let go and I don't kick up a fuss about like the fact that I spent three years instilling healthy eating habits and she comes home from 24 hours with him and has not had one piece of fruit or vegetables. this is because he just does anything for an easy life and it's easier to give her whatever she asks for rather than what is healthy

starbump

yorkshirepudding wrote: »

...especially since up till a few weeks ago he was letting her drink froma bottle and use a potty, even though i have never used bottles (she was breastfeed and drank from a cup) she has also been toilet trained for over a year and never had any accidents yet they have been letting her wear nappies and lately when she comes home she can't get to the toilet in time and wees in her knickers. i was really just wondering if anybody knew where i stood on getting custody back when it has already unofficially been given away...

I don't think co-sleeping or home-schooling have anything to do with this. Co-sleeping might be for reassurance (4 nights away from mom seems quite a lot) and attending nursery/junior school doesn't guarantee a good parenting style.

It seems rather shocking that her dad is causing her to regress in this fashion. Do his parents condone this or can you get them to help enforce your parenting standards? I don't know how easy it is to vary custody agreements - formal or informal - but perhaps you should record his actions and her behaviour, in case you ever need it as evidence.

starbump

ameliarate wrote: »

It is possible they are allowing the nappies because she is having accidents and she may be having the accidents because she is confused by the whole situation.

That could be true. Pull-ups would be a good compromise for frequent "accidents" in that case but it doesn't really explain the potty. If she is toilet trained, she should have access to the toilet (with child seat and step).

sturll

Firstly, she is your daughter and lives with you. So you need not fear that he will end up getting full custody over her. This would not happen.

Secondly you have answered your own question. Tell him what you are doing. But be fair, i have my son from another relationship Monday tea time until Tuesday morning (i work) and then Friday from lunch (i finish early) until Saturday night and this works very well. Although i holiday each January to Florida for 2 weeks and he also comes along.
My son will come here and his mother is very very very health conscious and as such severely limits him on many things. When he comes to mine i am more relaxed and believe that children should worry about not tripping up in the garden or falling off their bike as oppose to high cholesterol. At first this caused problems and conflicts of interests. But it was apparent that we both had his best interests at heart except we both did things differently.
So we talked, and it took a while but we did find some middle ground. And basically the way things now work is when he is with his mother she does what she does, when he is with me i do what i do.
She is happy, I am happy and most importantly we both get to spend time with our son and he gets to spend time with his brothers and sisters.