help... arguments about teenagers keep

Oldernotwiser

granthar1 wrote: »

"Also, charging him to come home will just not make him come home, but stay with friends.."

Great news....

If my wife still lived on her own she wouldn't be so free with the money, she doesn't allow me to spend any money on my own kids who live with ex-wife, apart from what I legally have to give ex-wife for them.

I think there's a great deal more bubbling under the surface of your marriage than just the question of your step children's keep. You really need to sit down and discuss your feelings about the children that you have with your ex partners and try to reach an amicable compromise. Relate would be able to help you do this in a safe and supportive environment. There seems to be an enormous amount of resentment of the past going on here, on both sides.

churchrat

granthar1 wrote: »

"Also, charging him to come home will just not make him come home, but stay with friends.."

Great news....

If my wife still lived on her own she wouldn't be so free with the money, she doesn't allow me to spend any money on my own kids who live with ex-wife, apart from what I legally have to give ex-wife for them.

have to agree with onw---this isn't really about the money, but it seems that the money is the issue you have decided to argue about. If you think its great news that your stepson does not come home when on leave then I think that you are a family with real problems. Have you thought about Relate?? or can you see this relationship heading towards the divorce courts as well?

ameliarate

There is definitely something more than worrying about the step kids not paying their way here - perhaps simply resentment your step kids getting more than your own?
I would certainly not expect a child of mine to pay anything when home on leave from the navy , though would expect them to help around the house a bit, washing, washing up, tidying etc, but would expect one living at home full time to pay something but it sounds as though your resentment is more about the way your wife spends money and resents your children getting anything from you, and perhaps because you think she is wrong in the way she is bringing her kids up by allowing them to live free of charge?
I think perhaps you need to work out exactly what it is about the whole situation that is giving you cause for concern and then discussing it with your wife.

Idiophreak

I find it interesting so many people talk about teaching people the "value of money" in one breath and charging a percentage in the next. "The real world" doesn't work on percentages...

The fairest way to do this is do your best to estimate the *actual cost* to you of having them there. Then charge them this amount.

granthar1

real world doesn't work on percentages?

I seem to pay Tax and NI based on a percentage and inflation is a percentage

Dill

What strikes me from reading this thread is not so much the money, but your resentment about your stepkids seemingly 'having it easy' coupled with other frustrations re.your wife, your ex-wife and your own kids. The money seems to be a way of you gaining a bit of control over things/people?

If you have the step sons' best interests at heart, then why not do as another poster suggested and charge them a bit of 'rent' (say 20%, as you've suggested) and put the money away for them in a savings account?

FWIW I'd definitely say sort out the underlying issues, though.

foreversomeday

Why not, instead of making the cost 20% of earnings, make it 20% of household bills?

That is not dependent on earnings then so won't seem unfair, and is still a lot cheaper than it would be for them to move into their own place(s) at this stage - could you explain it to your wife that it is in their interest to get used to budgeting a bit as otherwise it will be a huge shock for them when they do move out.

If she is still not keen and you can manage to pay for them, why not as another poster suggested put it in a secret savings account so that when they do move out you can offer it to them to help them pay the deposit?