help... arguments about teenagers keep

granthar1

Remarried 4 years ago and took on two step children one now 17 the other 19.

One is in the Navy and comes home from leave the other works part time as he dropped out of sixth form in January and couldn't be bothered to get a full time job until he goes to college in September.

I believe that they should pay 20% of their pay for keep (won't charge once the 17 year old goes to college) My wife thinks I am ripping them off...

When home they sit around all day, with 2 computers and the TV on, usually cooking a lunch and expecting a cooked dinner, they both have baths every day.

I know there was a long thread about this where most people said 20 - 25% was reasonable.

Its not all about the money, its about teaching them the value of money.

Need advice as its coming to the point where marriage could end because of the arguments about this.

pinkshoes

Could you not take the 20% then put it in a savings account for them when they're 25, then give it to them as a surprise?

granthar1

One is in the Navy and gets charged keep by them when he's on the base, why is it effectively free when he comes home, I haven't noticed Sainsburys giving me a discount when I buy food.

My_Fathers_Daughter

What would your wife like them to pay?

I think a percentage of their income is a bit off TBH...a set amount would sound more reasonable and less aimed at their personal circumstances.


Are you only talking about charging when the Navy one is at home?

granthar1

Yes would only charge when he is at home from Navy.

I don't know what she would like to charge as she won't discuss it, other than to say my figure is too high

SuziQ

I think your wife is doing the kids a disservice tbh. One of the best lessons you can teach a child is the value of money-saves them a load of grief later on! My daughter is off to Uni in sept and I am not overly concerned about her managing as she has been budgeting her EMA for 2 years rarely needing me to giver her money and she has watched my budgeting and bargain hunting and has caught the bug. I appreciate girls may be different (I also have 2 ,younger lads!)
If they don't make a contribution at home in my experience they will take it for granted and have a terrific shock when having to manage on their own-which could have repurcussions for you parents as you may be expected by them to pick up the pieces- my aunt was told by her ungrateful son 'it's your fault,you never prepared me for living on my own!'. She then created even more harm by helping him clear his debts-which he quickly built straight back up again.

You are doing them a favour making them contribute,she is being extremely shortsighted and unrealistic and even if you did put the money away(unbeknown to them) and give it back later that is teaching them an invaluable lesson.

My_Fathers_Daughter

As I said, maybe it is the fact that it is a percentage that she doesn't like.

They are only young, and whilst I (think I) agree that if they are earning they should contribute perhaps you can set a low figure for now with a view to addressing it again in the future...

Not sure what the going rate is...how about £35 per week. Not a lot but a contribution nonetheless

margaretclare

This comes up periodically, and it seems to be a modern problem of young people/young adults thinking they can live for free: http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1070329

My DH, in his last marriage, was involved with a stepdaughter who came home periodically with bags of washing to be done, the question of cleaning/baths/washing/meals always came up.

As regards the lad in the Navy, if he went and stayed somewhere for weekends rather than coming home, he'd be expected to pay for the privilege. I imagine he's used to the idea of takeaways, meals out - well, no different. McDonald's don't give you a burger for free, whether 'with fries' or not.

The other one should be doing something with a bit more future to it than just working part-time. He should be either in education/training OR looking for a full-time job. Either way, he's an adult and should pay his way. I don't know about percentages. Just sit down and work out what all these things cost! You said computers and TV: the cost of electricity is on the way up, and we're all trying to turn off unused lights etc to save power. Water for baths needs heating - the cost of gas is on the rise as well. What these young people need is a reality check. Anyone who doesn't point out these simple facts is doing the young people no favours at all.

OTOH you and your wife really have got to speak with one voice. This is where my DH had so much difficulty in that marriage, and one of the reasons contributing to its failure. If you start laying the law down and Mum disagrees, lets the young men know they're 'off the hook' as far as she's concerned, then you've lost the battle before you even start.

Just a few thoughts.

Alias_Omega

You should not charge your son for being in the Navy.

It doesnt cost alot to keep him for the week he comes home, its only electric and food. The rest if paid for already.

There is no increase in council tax, water rates, heating (house is already warm).

However, you should charge the bum for sitting at home all day doing nothing and when he goes out to work. About £30 a week when not working, £60 a week when so...

Alias_Omega

Also, charging him to come home will just not make him come home, but stay with friends..

So when the wife asks why he never comes 'home', you can explain that you drove him away by wanting to charge him to stay.

How about he buys a take away meal for the family when home.? Thats a good £20-30.

granthar1

"Also, charging him to come home will just not make him come home, but stay with friends.."

Great news....

If my wife still lived on her own she wouldn't be so free with the money, she doesn't allow me to spend any money on my own kids who live with ex-wife, apart from what I legally have to give ex-wife for them.