Help - I don't know what to do anymore.

blondy24

Ok here is the whole story - perhaps I shouldn't be writing this but I am fed up with my life at the moment. Job is great but money and my b/f is getting me down.

Basically we have lived together for a year now and I pay for the rent and the car loan and he should be paying for all the bills, food and car loan. I have used up over £6k in the last year of my own savings as he has never had a steady job with regular pay. Now he has. He states that money is not a big issue and I have in the last month or so used one of my bank accounts purely for bills and set up direct debits for water, c/t etc. He doesn't just give me the money to put in there I have to ask him and I now have gone overdrawn.

On the other side of this issue our relationship is not very passionate I prefer just a cuddle and kiss most of the time and he has been on at me for months now for more, we do probably once a week sometimes less but it is not romantic and its when he wants it. Am I normal to not want it very often and just enjoy life instead? He has now said today that either I change like he has been asking for months or it is over - but yet he won't ring up about his debt letters or give me money without me asking and when I do he either has not got it or tells me I never answer his question and only want what I want, yet it's bills not what I want - its life they need to be sorted. I do love him but just want money issues to be sorted as a big issue in a relationship (but he doesn't seem to think so). Please help and give advice on what I should do as it is getting me down. Sorry to moan so much.

vaio

I’d say if you have money issues, sex issues and big deep blackmail conversations after only a year together then maybe it’s time to start thinking about moving on

Life's too short

Supergirl_3

You dont want to be lovey dovey because you resent him over money.
Untill he starts paying his share and easing up your finanical situation then youre doomed I'm afraid.
You're in the right and he's in the wrong, I would be issuing him an ultimatum not the other way round.
xx

flower_72

I agree with vaio. This relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Maybe time to call his bluff.
Because that's what it is. He's blackmailing you. How can anyone say: 'have more sex with me or I live you'
To him, money is no issue? No wonder, he doesn't seem to be dealing with any of it. You do. No surprise, to you money is an issue.
Big hug to you. That situation can't be easy to live with.

pinkshoes

I agree with the others that perhaps this relationship has run its course.

Financial compatibility is VERY important in a relationship, and if you don't have it, it puts a LOT of strain on the relationship, and is known to lead to many breakups! You and your BF obviously don't have the same attitude to money.

As for him asking you to change, I can give you one piece of excellent advice. NEVER change yourself for anyone, not unless YOU want to change and you're doing it for yourself. The two of your are perhaps not sexually compatible either!!

There's nothing wrong with admitting that the relationship has run its course and come to an end. It'll give you the chance to go out there, and meet someone who's right for you in every way!

blondy24

Thanks for all your responses I really appreciate it I have just told him financial relationship is a big issue and either he helps sort things out or he can move into the spare room for good tomorrow and we will split bills. I have told him why do you think I have booked a holiday so we can get some special memories and be romantic. Has anyone else been in this situation before. I know it sounds sad but I do love him.

geekgirl

Could he not set up a direct debit for the amount to be paid straight into your account monthly now that he has a better job so that you can still organise the bills but don't have to feel like your being forced to act like his Mum/landlady and ask for money all the time.

Paparika

blondy24 wrote: »

Ok here is the whole story - perhaps I shouldn't be writing this but I am fed up with my life at the moment. Job is great but money and my b/f is getting me down.

Basically we have lived together for a year now and I pay for the rent and the car loan and he should be paying for all the bills, food and car loan. I have used up over £6k in the last year of my own savings as he has never had a steady job with regular pay. Now he has. He states that money is not a big issue and I have in the last month or so used one of my bank accounts purely for bills and set up direct debits for water, c/t etc. He doesn't just give me the money to put in there I have to ask him and I now have gone overdrawn.

This bit worried me, why in your view should he be paying for all the bills, food and car loan.

Perhaps thats causing grief, do you have 'discussions' on why he should pay for it all?

It is fair to say if you live together then all bills should be split 50/50.

Organise some time to sit and discuss the situation, explain how you feel, and make sure you listen to what he has to say.

Ofc you don't want nookie 24/7 when all you can think about is bills, etc,
tell him this.

I he persists that the situation is fine then stop paying all the bills and just pay half, when he gets the red bills and bailiffs (make sure the bills are not in your name) let him deal with it.

Perhaps he has his cake and is eating it too

pinkshoes

blondy24 wrote: »

Thanks for all your responses I really appreciate it I have just told him financial relationship is a big issue and either he helps sort things out or he can move into the spare room for good tomorrow and we will split bills. I have told him why do you think I have booked a holiday so we can get some special memories and be romantic. Has anyone else been in this situation before. I know it sounds sad but I do love him.

Loving someone is easy - liking them is the hard part.

I have been there myself, been in love with someone who was completely wrong for me. We had very different attitudes to money (he spent it, I saved it - I often had to lend him money for important things which I never got back!). In the end I just ended up resenting him over the whole money thing, and we split up.

I know money is just money, but it's quite important to have the same attitude towards it!

Steel_2

Sounds to me like he's getting almost everything he wants and if he can just push you into giving him sex he'll have everything.

This relationship seems horribly one sided and you don't seem to be getting anything out of it yourself besides worry and debt. I know you love him, but sometimes our hearts rule our heads and hearts are not always the best judge of a situation. Your head is telling you something is badly wrong and must change, but your heart will insist that it's ok, that love will conquer all. It doesn't. It may be that your head must rule your heart in this situation, even if it hurts you emotionally to do it.

I'm glad you stood up for yourself and told him what you needed if the relationship is to go forward. Whatever you do, don't let him continue allowing you to pay everything while he enjoys his wages all to himself.

And please make sure you have some money in the bank yourself so if necessary you can walk out with your head held high and find a lovely place of your own.

When is your rental contract due to be renewed?

Molescroft

blondy24 wrote: »

Thanks for all your responses I really appreciate it I have just told him financial relationship is a big issue and either he helps sort things out or he can move into the spare room for good tomorrow and we will split bills. I have told him why do you think I have booked a holiday so we can get some special memories and be romantic. Has anyone else been in this situation before. I know it sounds sad but I do love him.

You are quite clearly unhappy and feel things are wrong both financially and emotionally. A holiday to create some special memories will not work if you don't have a resolution to the issues and a relationship worth saving. Sometimes a relationship needs a bit of work and effort from both sides and it can get back on track if it is a good relationship to begin with. Not all relationships are good to begin with though and no amount of effort will get them there. You have to think about your relationship and decide if you think it can be fixed - are you may be scared of being on your own? Do you have a good friend you can turn to, that might be better than the council of strangers?Good luck. I hope you sort things out and start to feel better about yourself.