Husband sold his property and didn't tell me! It's such a shock

Barbiegirl_2

..........

Steel_2

My first reaction is to ask what else he has been keeping from you.

What sort of financial relationship do the two of you have? Who brings in the money, who takes care of the bills, who wears the 'money trousers' so to speak?

If your husband wears the money trousers and is old fashioned, he may believe that selling the flat was part and parcel of his responsibilities to his family and he had no need to tell you. How old is your husband and is he South African? If so, could his culture have a bearing on how is behaving towards you?

If you wear the money trousers and you both usually discuss matters as big as this, you need to know why he chose to do it in secret. You mentioned that the two of you have marital problems. Could he be stashing secret money away in case the two of you divorce?

Bottom line, when he comes home, it's cards on the table time. If he won't tell you, I suggest you start stashing some cash away yourself in case of future trouble.

Steel_2

Hi Barbiegirl

I've been back through your previous threads I have some questions:

How is your health on a daily basis?
Have are coping with the new baby?
How did you deal with the issue of him demanding you hand over your debit cards?
How has he behaved in general towards you, the baby and your money situation over the last few months?

Barbiegirl_2

Hi Steel,

My health is okay. Although extremely tired and now sick with flu I still don't get any help. I had a little boy in February and he is so gorgeous and precious. The control of the money situation is still not resolved. I have suggested having one bank account and not the his/hers money etc.

I don't know what to believe anymore because he just phoned and said he didn't sell it? Maybe he know's that this time I will not have the wool pulled over my eyes again. I have a feeling he is lying because why admit it and then change his mind. Apparently, he wanted to see what I would do???????/////

CB1979_2

wow - that's one screwed up relationship.

don't get all the game playing??

sod the flat, sounds like you've got ALOT more to talk about.

Poppy9

Your first post says it all. You have major communication problems. If I had a an important matter to raise with my OH I wouldn't text him I would ring him or wait till he came home and talk face to face.

Steel_2

This is all very peculiar. Wanted to see what you would do? What did he expect you to do?

I'm concerned that you still don't have a resolution to the money issues you posted about last year. Have you sat down and thrashed out what you and your husband believe is the right way to deal with money? You may both have completely different perceptions of how money issues in marriage should be dealt with.

Hubby an I have been married for two years and we realised recently that we were operating as our parents did when it came to everything.

I always had to sort out the bills - he would never even look at them - and I began to really resent the amount of my free time it was eating away at. Turned out that his mum used to do all the detailed things to do with bills and bank statements and his dad just used to give her money to pay them. In my family on the other hand, mum and dad worked out their individual costings are for the month and told the other. Each would then work out who owed who.

It caused no end of trouble between us until we figured out our own way of dealing with it, which is different to our parents. We also had to start from scratch and come up with our rules for chores, going out, etc etc that was different from our parents. We were trying to act like them because that was the only model for marriage that we have. Maybe your husband is re-enacting his parents model for financial management. Maybe your MIL didn't have her own money and deferred to his father all the time. Maybe your husband sees this as the ultimate proof of trust from you - and because he's not getting it feels you don't trust him hence the breakdown?

Anyway, a few other thoughts:

First, if he's hiding the money from you for whatever reason he will of course deny the house has been sold.

Second, where does his mail get delivered to and who picks it up first? If he has sold a house he will need to have engaged a solicitor and that leaves a paper trail. Have you noticed any mail coming into the house that is out of the ordinary to the usual bills and statements? If you don't believe your husband and you know who your husband's solicitor is, simply ring them up and ask them.

Third, do you see his statements for his money accounts? If the house has been sold there should be a large deposit from the buyer somewhere, either in a current account or a building society. That is, unless your husband has secreted it in an offshore account you don't know about...

Fourth, do you know what they address for the property is in South Africa? Do you have any friends in SA who would be willing to take a little trip out to the house and ask around the neighbours to see if it has been put on the market recently?

Please bear in mind any of these could lead to major trouble if he finds out and a further breakdown in your relationship. However, it seems that neither of you trust the other one anyway, so if it's a case that you feel your marriage has broken down too far, you may want to start looking after your own financial interests anyway before your husband lands you with a huge shock.

Steel_2

CB1979 wrote: »

wow - that's one screwed up relationship.

don't get all the game playing??

sod the flat, sounds like you've got ALOT more to talk about.

And I take it you've never had a screwed up relationship? I have. Many. I take it your marriage is perfect? Mine isn't. Or perhaps you're not married at all so don't know how much it changes a relationship....

It's easy to come on this forum, judge people and spout what should be done. Quite another to pluck up the guts to get off the forum and actually do it in real life where hearts and lives can be torn apart.

Barbiegirl is finding her way in a relatively new marriage with two children. She exhausted, sleep deprived with a new baby that wakes anything up to 12 times a night and finding it difficult to cope with a husband who is a tad on the controlling side.

Offer her advice, not condescension and pithy remarks.

CB1979_2

she asked a question, that barely scratches the surface.

if the fella sold the flat without consultation with his wife (even though it is his) then that to me shouts out there's a much bigger problem there.

but bigger than that, the fella is now saying he hasn't sold it and is playing games??

!!!!!! is that all about, again means there's much bigger problems than him just selling a few bricks & mortar (which now may or may not have happened).

Steel_2

Obviously there is a deeper problem, but your pithy three liner didn't help, just made her feel bad as evidenced by her removing her original post shortly after reading yours and poppy9's to prevent anyone else commenting harshly.

You could be a little more gentle and a little more tactful. She doesn't need her face rubbed in it.

Poppy9

Steel wrote: »

Obviously there is a deeper problem, but your pithy three liner didn't help, just made her feel bad as evidenced by her removing her original post shortly after reading yours and poppy9's to prevent anyone else commenting harshly.

You could be a little more gentle and a little more tactful. She doesn't need her face rubbed in it.

This is a forum where people put up questions and don't always get the answers they want. If they can't handle this they really shouldn't be posting in anonymous forums.

I thought your post to CB1979 was harsh

Steel wrote:

And I take it you've never had a screwed up relationship? I have. Many. I take it your marriage is perfect? Mine isn't. Or perhaps you're not married at all so don't know how much it changes a relationship....

It's easy to come on this forum, judge people and spout what should be done. Quite another to pluck up the guts to get off the forum and actually do it in real life where hearts and lives can be torn apart.

You have also done what you condemned CB1979 for doing in judging them.

You seem to have appointed yourself as the only person worthy of giving advice, what makes you so hot? By your own admission you've had MANY screwed up relationships. Do you really think this makes you qualified to give good advice?

For the record I am married - 22 years. Like most marriages it takes effort, work and communication by both parties. Important issues are not discussed by text.

I am sorry if Barbiegirl is having a rough time at the moment but I am not in the habit of going back to look at peoples posts from last year to find out their situation and take a post at face value. The sale (or non sale) of the property needs to be discussed face to face to establish the truth and the reason behind the actions and to see what the wider implications of the situation are.