torn between the two

what_to_do_6

my oldest daughter broke up with her boyfriend at the begining of this year so he moved out of the home they brought together, my youngest daughter of 17 and a friend moved into my daughters, to help her out with bills and rent ect, my oldest daughter now has a new boyfriend and he stays there most of the time even though he has his own house, dont get me wrong he is very nice and treats my daughter with respect and is very good to her, she is very happy with him. it has caused alot of friction in the house and my two daughters have fell out, now my youngest daughter and her friend are now moving out on friday only giving my daughter this months rent. now i am stuck between the two of them, i am worried for my oldest daughter as she has now got a house and bills to pay for which she will not be able to afford, and my youngest daughter who is moving in with another friend until a friends house is ready to rent in october. dont want to take sides with any of them, they will not talk to each other, and phone me up telling me things. My oldest daughter does not want her boyfriend to move in as it is far to early in the relationship and does not want to get hurt again!! help!

Alikay

Your eldest daughter probably caused the problem by letting her new boyfriend stay over so much so early. DD2 and friend were wanted, maybe needed, a few months ago when there were bills to pay, and possibly a broken heart to heal: it would've been a nice girlie atmosphere, then DD1 gets a new boyfriend and he keeps staying over (always a problem in any shared house situation!)

I think DD1 needs to apologise. Yes, it IS her house, but it's 3 people's home.....she's taking rent from 2 others, so she has responsibilities towards them. which IMHO include not having to see a non-rent-paying outsider at breakfast or hogging the bathroom! She and her new BF should've conducted their love-life over at his place for some considerable time, until the other two had agreed that him staying over was OK...and even then a couple of times a week max!

Next time she gets a lodger, she should explain the set-up from the start and her new tenant can decide if they're OK with it. But it's not on to change the dynamics of the set-up without full agreement, even if you are the owner. Hopefully if DD1 is reasonably humble the rift will heal quickly...they're obviously sisters who get on well if they ever contemplated house-sharing!

McKneff

what a good post alikay, couldnt have put it better myself.

What to do - why dont you point all 4 involved in this direction to and tell them to read the post or print it off and give each one of them a copy.

pinkshoes

Agree with Alikay 100%, that DD1 should be apologising to DD2, as it's really not fair to get the other two to move in to help pay bills, then a few months later her new boyfriend is staying over all the time.

I would speak to DD1 first, and point out that what she did was unfair, and she can't have her cake and eat it. Get her to understand the situation, and suggest that she goes and apologises to DD2. Perhaps they'll move back in if she agrees that new boyfriend doesn't stay over more than twice a week.

Smashing

If DD1 can't afford the rent on her own, then perhaps she should be looking to the BF to contribute if he is spending so much time there. If not, she'll have to move to a cheaper place - such is life. It's not DD2's responsibility to financially assist her sister, especially when he feelings were not taken into consideration when the BF practically moved in.

Lindsay-Lou

Unless there's some serious imposition, the elder girl is entitled to live her life as she sees fit. By the same token, if the younger sister had found a bf and done the same would DD1 be entitled to throw her out or say he can’t come round? I don’t believe so.

All the same, living in shared acc successfully entails a delicate balancing act which primarily, in my experience, involves careful communication and compromise. i.e. did the two other girls talk about the situation or did it just fester as they complained among themselves until it blew up into a argument?

I think there needs to be apologies on both sides. I’m sure the two girls do feel a bit used, but probably dd1 thinks that she’s entitled to do what she wants in her own home.

But I think the question is what should you do – I’d say tell them both that they are adults and they should work it out between themselves, that you love them both but will no longer listen to the complaining unless they are prepared to talk to each other and work it out.

Maybe they will just come to accept that they can’t live together. In which case DD1 should really be looking for new lodgers, sometimes it’s easier to live with strangers as expectations are different.

I’ve had problems with housemates before (something kind of similar) and it went horribly wrong, but I learned some valuable lessons and our friendship survived despite the problems.

That’s just my opinion of course, but I hope everything gets sorted out soon

floss2

Smashing wrote: »

If DD1 can't afford the rent on her own, then perhaps she should be looking to the BF to contribute if he is spending so much time there. If not, she'll have to move to a cheaper place - such is life. It's not DD2's responsibility to financially assist her sister, especially when he feelings were not taken into consideration when the BF practically moved in.

Maybe not DD2's "responsibility", but as "landlady" (even informally) DD1 should have thought about the effect her new relationship would have on her "tenants", bearing in mind that they were sharing her home before the new BF came along.

Anyway, she may not actually be able to sell the house in the current climate....

basketcase

Could you get them both to come to your place, sit with you round a table and talk it out?

You could start the ball rolling with something along the lines of "OK the situation as I see it from what you've said is..." and perhaps, without taking sides, paraphrase Alikay's post.

CB1979_2

tell em, you're not interested in their petty squabble.

oh also better tell your eldest to get her butt in gear and get some other lodgers in if she can't afford it.

sounds like the youngest daughter got used and now !!!!!!'s hit the fan.

this will defo happen again with new lodgers unless your eldest sorts herself out.

churchrat

when the children were little and used to squabble all the time I'd think"can't wait till you're all older and all this stops!!!!!!!!!!!!" now the oldest 2 are all grown up and still squabble and still look to mum and dad to sort out who the baddy is!!! I think its someting to do with families

I'm sure that one or the other is wrong and one of them should apologise, but you are not going to be able to sort it out. Long gone are the days when mum could say "stop fighting" and they would (actually, I don't think mine ever did!)

Your question is "what to do" and to be honest I don't think there is much you can do to make this better. If it were me I would tell them all I love them but am not part of this row, and will refuse to take sides, although I will still listen to them. I would then worry about it for months, not be able to sleep properly, bore all my friends to tears because I won't stop talking about it and come within an inch of divorce because my dh will be fed up with all of us. I would then find out that the kids had sorted it all out weeks ago and had just forgotten to tell me because they didn't think it was very important.
but then, thats probably really bad advice!!!

what_to_do_6

churchrat wrote: »

when the children were little and used to squabble all the time I'd think"can't wait till you're all older and all this stops!!!!!!!!!!!!" now the oldest 2 are all grown up and still squabble and still look to mum and dad to sort out who the baddy is!!! I think its someting to do with families

I'm sure that one or the other is wrong and one of them should apologise, but you are not going to be able to sort it out. Long gone are the days when mum could say "stop fighting" and they would (actually, I don't think mine ever did!)

Your question is "what to do" and to be honest I don't think there is much you can do to make this better. If it were me I would tell them all I love them but am not part of this row, and will refuse to take sides, although I will still listen to them. I would then worry about it for months, not be able to sleep properly, bore all my friends to tears because I won't stop talking about it and come within an inch of divorce because my dh will be fed up with all of us. I would then find out that the kids had sorted it all out weeks ago and had just forgotten to tell me because they didn't think it was very important.
but then, thats probably really bad advice!!!

this is exactly what i have done, only i do not speak to my x husband, as i have now remarried, just fed up with one or the other phoning or textin me complaining about each other. as you say worry all the time and bore others. kids who would have them, me i had 4!!!! oh well life goes on, think i will bang their heads together, then they will not speak to me! peace for a while.