scared about having a baby.

morganb

I was scared of having children. I loved my job, loved my independence, loved travelling.

DS1 has just got down from the dinner table and picked up a toy guitar and banged out a hard rock version of 'you're the best mum in the world'.
I am so glad I got over my fears and worries.

Paparika

squishyclaire wrote: »

I was wondering if any of you good people out there could give me a hand with a dilema I have. I have been with my partner for 3 years and we are very happy together. We have talked on many occassions about having a baby but we were not in a financial position to do this as I was not in a permanant job. In Jan this year I got a really good job and for the first time I am on reasonable money althought the stress has gone up with the level of pay. Now we do have the finanacial stablity to have a baby I have got really cold feet. I am just plain scared of the finances, of the life change, about the implications for my health (i suffer from bad migraines set off by stress and lack of sleep generally). I love my partner and he really wants to start a family and I am so scared of losing him if I don't have a baby.
Don't get me wrong I love kids and I am really good with them but I just don't know where to turn for help. All my friends have children but I just feel they won't understand what I am going through. Have any of you guys any experiences or advice you could offer, i feel alone in sorting out what I want in my head.

If you have come here with worries then perhaps now is not the time to try for a baby, have a late summer holiday instead

bylromarha

OP-You could have been my friend 3 months ago!

For about 6 years her and OP didn't want kids as it would interfere with their life too much. When you dug down, secretly it was because all her friends with kids had changed into "parents" and she was no longer able to hang out with them in such a fun way. She didn't want to be a parent, she wanted to be herself.

We had DS nearly 4 years ago and she was really worried about how our friendship would change when I became a parent-she only told me this last year. Turns out we stayed ourselves but were "happier and more fun to hang with"

They finally decided to try for kids in March and she's currently 8 weeks pregnant (ssh-don't tell anyone) she's now thinking "what have I let myself in for?" in a very positive way!

Think my (very long winded) point is, you've only just started this new job, enjoy it, save a bit of the extra money for the time when you're on maternity leave, relax, and re-visit the kids issue a bit later. Assuming you aren't late 30s, there's lots of time to make that sort of decision. Kids don't need to be right now, but at some point in the future. I'm sure your OH would be happy knowing you're happy that the decision is a yes, but just not right now.

Sarahsaver

Think beyond the baby! I think many people don't do this,
You are a parent for the rest of their life but only the parent of a baby for a short while.
good luck whatever happens;)

carolineb23

morganb wrote: »

I was scared of having children. I loved my job, loved my independence, loved travelling.

DS1 has just got down from the dinner table and picked up a toy guitar and banged out a hard rock version of 'you're the best mum in the world'.
I am so glad I got over my fears and worries.

what a lovely post!!

morganb

carolineb23 wrote: »

what a lovely post!!

Thanks, he (and his brother) are both lovely kids!!

choccybuttons

You have just started a new job and have good money. Why wouldnt you want to enjoy that for a little while. Perhaps talk to your partner and agree to wait a year so you can enjoy going out together for meals, cinema, weekends away and perhaps a really nice holiday that wouldnt be child friendly. Then review the situation.

lynzpower

whenever I have the same worries I do get rather frustrated with people saying babies are cheap / you can get stuff off ebay/ hand me downs/ etc/ make own baby food/ resusaable nappies and all that

While I accept of course this is true- its the much bigger financial impact that bothers me- only one income for at least some years.

I know for a fact we cannot manage on OHs income alone, and thats why its SO out of the question right now.

mell242

I"m pregnant with my first child due in Oct.
Me and my OH have been together for 15 years and constantly talked about having a baby, we finally did it this year! I guess the money thing was always in the back of my head. We tried for a year beforehand to live just on OH's wages whilst I saved what would be my share of the bills each month. We have learnt to cut back really well, not going out so much, no couple of bottles of wine on a Friday night etc.

Having this baby has actually made me totally re-evaluate our money situation which can only be a good thing. Everything I go to buy myself I think ... 'I could be getting this...or that...instead for the baby'.

I'm not expecting things to be easy by any means but I'm hoping to return to work in a year and the money I was saving beforehand each month will revert to childcare costs. Hopefully we still won't be much worse off.

It is scary, but as long as both you and your partner want to have children you will manage, you will find a way. I was expecting to have to buy so much but you would be surprised just how generous people can be with wanting to get you bits and pieces plus Ebay is a total godsend!
Good luck with whatever you decide

foreversomeday

lynzpower wrote: »

whenever I have the same worries I do get rather frustrated with people saying babies are cheap / you can get stuff off ebay/ hand me downs/ etc/ make own baby food/ resusaable nappies and all that

While I accept of course this is true- its the much bigger financial impact that bothers me- only one income for at least some years.

I know for a fact we cannot manage on OHs income alone, and thats why its SO out of the question right now.

Thanks for posting this - it's what a lot of people overlook and certainly when we started talking about having a baby we thought about the increased cost of living but didn't think about the reduced income and the impact of both of those together!! I would encourage everyone thinking about TTC to budget as if the mum-to-be was not bringing in any money at all and see if you could live, then factor in the maternity pay amount, and work out whether you'd be able to go back to work afterwards. There are also lots of things to look at on this site like contesting, paid surveys, mystery shopping etc which all bring in extra funds!

Having said that, people manage to bring up children on benefits and/or tiny salaries and the child tax credits are helpful to top up your income, if you go on to entitledto.com and fill it out as though you had just had a baby, you can get a rough idea of what help you will get.