Mum emigrating, I`m worried!

Louiseiana

Hello

I`ve lurked around here a little and seen lots of advice has been given out - if anyone can offer me any I`d be grateful. Am I being an overprotective big sister?

I`m 22 years old and moved to Japan this March to teach English.

My Mum is emigrating in August, leaving my younger (20 years old and just finishing his first year at uni) brother behind. She has decided to try and rent out the house, but this leaves my brother with no-where to go in the holidays. It`s July already and she`s really behind with getting the house suitable for tennants but isnt putting off her leaving date.

I`m worried as I feel my brother will have nowhere to call home and no family nearby (our parents split up when we were very young and he doesnt get on with our Dad). Also, he`s really overdrawn so if something unexpected happens there`s no safety net - I can lend him a little but not much.

Basically I`m thinking of moving back to the UK and renting somewhere so we can have some kind of base and he can have some stability while he gets qualified.

The company I work for say they will take away a large proportion of my salary if I leave before my contract is up (even if I give in the required 2 mnths notice) so I`m scared I won`t have enough to rent a place when I get back.

CB1979_2

your mum's problem not yours

bonnie_2

His 20, i was married at 19, living in a foreign country. His not your problem.

CB1979_2

bonnie wrote: »

His 20, i was married at 19, living in a foreign country. His not your problem.

but you were married, so assuming you had someone there for you??

to be honest i wouldn't begrudge your mum wanting a better life, but just bogging off and not leaving anything for your bro to come back to is a bit lax IMO.

if there's no family home/room to stay in the place she's renting out, where's he expected to stay for the 2 months over summer, etc?

so unless she's gonna be paying for him to stay somewhere, then she needs to sort something out, is he expected to stay with any aunts/uncles or at his uni digs??

looks like him & her need to have a chat, but defo don't ruin your life over a selfish mum

girleight@

Does he have somewhere to live immediately after she leaves? Can he live in his student accommodation during the holidays? He should go to CAB/ his student services to find out where he stands financially.

loftus

I applaud your sense of family but instead of worrying about your brother have you spoken to him about how he feels.
Maybe he will welcome the independence? And if you do move back where does your taking care of him end? He has to stand on his own two feet at some time and this sounds like the ideal opportunity. Presumably your mother hasn't sprung her emigration on him so he has time to get used to the idea.
I wouldn't rush into any decisions. See what happens first.

whitewing

I agree with CB. It is not your responsibility. I think you are great for suggesting it. But you are young and you need to make full use of the opportunities you have abroad. (Says me, who got accidentally pregnant at 23, not too long out of Uni).

Boys are very adaptable. He may be able to stay in rented accomodation at Uni (we had to pay for our shared houses thro the holidays). With email etc he can keep in regular contact with you and your mum. Or he may get adopted by some friends' parents. I would love to adopt my son's best friend from school, lol.

If you really must, help him by sending over some occasional money.

bookduck

Louiseiana wrote: »

... leaving my younger (20 years old and just finishing his first year at uni) .

Some people leave home at 16. One girl I met left home at 12. He is 20, at uni and manages to survive so far. It sound like your brother is at least as able, or not more so than the majority of 20 year old, so I bet he will be fine.

I`m worried as I feel my brother will have nowhere to call home and no family nearby (our parents split up when we were very young and he doesnt get on with our Dad).

As you get older you will realize home is wherever you make it. That security cushion where friends and family meet, and you are always welcome, rather than just a building. To some people prison is their home.

Also, he`s really overdrawn so if something unexpected happens there`s no safety net - I can lend him a little but not much.

He either knows how to work with money, or had better be a fast learner. You and him want to make mistakes while your young. I'd personally lend him nothing. I'd give the person food, but not money.

I've currently overstretch myself financially and have a few tough months ahead and a friend has offered me some money. If I take the money it will change our relationship and so many a good friendships have been lost through money.

Basically I`m thinking of moving back to the UK and renting somewhere so we can have some kind of base and he can have some stability while he gets qualified.

If he does not become independent he may end up being a millstone around you neck for life. Allow him to grow and growing pains/suffering is part of the process. Also your partner will probably really get sick of him coming around asking for handouts

The company I work for say they will take away a large proportion of my salary if I leave before my contract is up (even if I give in the required 2 mnths notice) so I`m scared I won`t have enough to rent a place when I get back.

Finish your contract, but if YOU are personally unhappy, come back. Live your life as you choose and see fit, also allow him to do the same.

If it is in the contract you have to give 2 months notice, then that is all you have to give. There is European law that handles unfair terms and conditions including notice periods as this may prohibit you from being accepted for other opportunities. This is a separate subject and needs a post of it own where you can get legal advice. I can not employ you as a window washer and expect a 6 month notice period from you, as no other company would be willing to wait for 6 months for you to join. Your contract sounds suspicious and possibly one sided.

Oldernotwiser

Has your mother told him he can't come and stay with her during the holidays? I doubt it, in which case that would be another option for him.I don't think that your mother is selfish leaving at this point; you're obviously independent and your brother ought to be. Maybe she feels that he needs to be more independent, in which case you're scuppering her plans by your suggestions. 20 is fully adult and if he's at the end of his first year there's only one long holiday to worry about. Be reassured, he's got lots of options; don't wreck your life and career for his.

Smashing

Do you have any actual reason to doubt your 20 year old adult brother's lack of ability to cope with standing on his own two feet?

Do you have any reason to believe that your brother particularly wants to be 'rescued' by his sister?

Or is it possible you are being overprotective?

poet123

I think you are a lovely older sister!and I can see where you are coming from tbh most/many 20 year old boys are not as mature as girls of that age so he probably seems very immature to you.

Whilst I agree that your mum is entitled to consider him adult and live her life how she sees fit,I cant help thinking that not too many mothers would be happy/consider actually leaving the country and leaving him effectively homeless for part of the year,and without any close relatives to fall back on in an emergency. I know I couldnt do it.

I would speak to both of them and voice your concerns and see what response you get.