Advice please-teenager smoking

traveller

Hi,
I'm not sure how to go about this, but yesterday while clearing up my sons room I found a few ciggies in a biscuit tin! He is 15.Now I first went beserk, then calmed myself down and confronted him.He claimed the ciggies were bought round by his friend who stays over on the odd occasion and they both tried them, didn't like them and he isn't a smoker:rolleyes:
The ONLY reason I'm unsure what to believe, is because he dosen't actually smell of smoke,but we all know you can hide anything if you want to.

I've told him that none of his friends are allowed round now, they can call for him ,but i don't want them coming in.He claimed the stuff was left there as the boy took the ciggies from his dads and couldn't take them home-his mothers house, as she goes through his stuff. If his friends aren't coming in and i find anything else,then i know there's no 2 ways about what belongs to who.
His dad is a smoker so would no more about the signs, but as he treats the kids as more of an inconvinience and really has no idea how to talk about issues i've not told him yet.I've confiscated the ciggies and told him the new rules,with him just saying there is no point in te;;ing me the truth if i won't believe him,but i don't particularly believe him and i don't know how to deal with this.Does anyone have any advice/experience ?Thanks:o

Smashing

It's understandable that he is curious - especially if his mates are smoking and he is around it anyway with his dad. Does his dad smoke in the house? Are cigarettes left around? Does your son get much attention from his dad? He's at that age where he needs a male he can look up to. Would be a bit rich for dad to come down on hard on him if he is a smoker too...
I'd be more inclined to talk to him openly and honestly rather than laying down the law. I smoked for a while when I was 14/15 - my mother knew, didn't approve and I didn't do it around her. I soon stopped - it was expensive, I didn't particularly get anything out of it and it lost its allure.

If it turns out he is smoking, you are well within your rights to say it is not happening in/around your house, but if he wants to smoke elsewhere, you can make your disapproval known, but you can't stop him from doing so away from the house - how much 'pocket' money does he get? He may well get bored sooner or later if he can't afford anything else..

Maybe if you can get dad to have a man-to-man talk (NOT LECTURE!) about it he may come to his senses - esecially if it is a friendly chat about the downsides of being addicted rather than a 'you are stupid, I can smoke because I'm an adult etc.' style rant.

Also - perhaps mentioning the turn-off aspect. Who wants to kiss an ashtray (although you may want to put it into your own words, as an smart-!!!!! teenager is going to come back with a 'well, you did' reposonse. )

Dill

You've found ciggies in his room, and strongly suspect he may be having a puff with his friend(s) but you haven't actually seen him smoking, so I think I'd just tell him how you don't approve of smoking, and you don't want cigarettes in the house, etc. IF he is smoking, I'd favour trying to win him round rather than telling him off.

I fear coming down too heavily on him may have the opposite effect to what you want. He seems to be saying, well if I'm going to get told off I might as well have deserved it. Instead of putting him off smoking you may well push him to it, iyswim. There's nothing more attractive to a teen than something that's forbidden/banned/parents don't approve of

Just my opinion

jessbrown100

Oh dear! my Mum and Dad went through this with me when I was about 14, they tried everything, withdrawing pocket money, grounding me, hitting the roof, emotional blackmail. I'm sorry to say that I only gave up smoking last year aged 27 . Told my parents all sorts to account for the smoke smell on myself (sitting on the top deck of the bus used to be an effective one but no longer relevant anymore!) and spent a small fortune on incense candles to burn in my room!. Sorry I can't offer any advice but I can offer my sympathies cos it's a really hard situation to deal with. Oddly enough I am currently going through the same thing with my husband :eek:

traveller

Smashing,
thankyou very much for your post! His dad does not live with us anymoe, but he has regular contact him as he lives 10 minutes away.However, It is only when dad has 'no work to do' for the last good few months-he's an IT consultant.They have come to a point where they argue more than talk as DS resents his attitude.I asked his dad to talk to him about sex and a man to man chat.Apparently there was no need for such a chat-you find out what being a man is about yourself, no-one can teach you-his fathers words:mad: .

I totally agree with the downsides as i too tried it didn't like it and gave up after a drag and i told DS this years ago.He gets £20per month to do what he likes with from me as I felt his dads 15 per week to include school meals and buying additional stuff and entertainment was not enough.this was after consultation with other parents of kids the same age.
I really wish his dad would be more hands on and i've explained he needs his influence,but they just clash as he makes it obvious to all the children ,everything has to be on his terms.I'm very worried that at this sensitive age DS will go off the rails because of the attention he dosen't get from him, even though we do have a good relationship.

sparklygirl1

I think I would be try to be a bit more open about it and if they gonna do it be honest about it and smoke outside, last thing you want is him setting his bedroom alight!

thanksalot

I think it is not unusual for teenagers to want to taste "forbidden fruits".

Talking to him as an adult about it is the best you can do.
Punishing him like a child will just make him feel rebellious.

traveller

Thankyou all so much, for your replies.I feel so much better now and I will have an open chat with DS and lift the friends ban,but will not allow anyone staying over.Luckily this was mentioned before this scenario.Thanks again for all of your sound advice.

Smashing

AS much of a git his father may be, ensure son does not get this impression - how does he feel about his dad being so detatched? It may be difficult for him to talk to his mum about something like that - does he have any other male relatives who can provide a role model for him to talk to about 'bloke' stuff with?
Glad to hear you are lifting the mates ban - it's a time when you need your peers, as much as your parents. Are they good kids in general?

ShockingPink

sparklygirl1 wrote: »

I think I would be try to be a bit more open about it and if they gonna do it be honest about it and smoke outside, last thing you want is him setting his bedroom alight!

That reminds me of when my teenage cousin's bedroom (in the newly converted loft) was accidently set alight. My uncle explained that Martin had been smoking while doing his homework, and left a lit ciggy on his desk... I said, "I didn't know Martin smoked" and my uncle replied, "Neither did we till the fire brigade arrived!":rotfl:

traveller

Smashing wrote: »

AS much of a git his father may be, ensure son does not get this impression - how does he feel about his dad being so detatched? It may be difficult for him to talk to his mum about something like that - does he have any other male relatives who can provide a role model for him to talk to about 'bloke' stuff with?
Glad to hear you are lifting the mates ban - it's a time when you need your peers, as much as your parents. Are they good kids in general?

Hi, unfortunately dispite me trying to play peacemaker all of the kids think my efforts are in vain as they feel he just isn't interested.This is why me and there father originally split up, but i do not engage them in this.They made thir own minds up when he told them after they came back from a 2 week holiday, that he would have to cut his visit with them short as he didn't realise they were back so soon and he's got a wedding reception to attend.

They are brilliant kids and deal with their lot very well as i know they wish he was more responsive.They do have my brother, but they wouldn't divulge anything personal to him.