Son dont want to go to his dads - What can i do?

lawlorlane

Hi, I hope someone can help as i'm unsure exactly where i stand here. I will start at the beginning............

I split from my sons dad 6 years ago. He has a new partner (the reason we split!!!)and i met a new partner 3 years ago. up until then, we kept things civil for my sons sake, he was verbally, physically and mentally abusive throughout our relationship but i wanted to keep the peace for my sons sake and guess he still had a hold over me!?!?! But once i met my new partner he bacame agressive again and i ended up calling police many a time and refused contact with our son until he had seen a solicitor to sort out times and dates as he wasnt capable of sticking to what we agreed. He never did this for 6 months but continued to harrass me anyway until i got an injunction and he breached it and it went to court which is when we sorted out contact with Cafcas as we couldnt agree.

My ex and I have a court agreement that my 8 year old son sees him on a wednesday after school and visits him every other weekend, Friday to sunday. It was agreed that he picks him up from school on friday at 3.10pm and i collect him from his dads at 6pm on sunday. However this has changed as 9/10 he was late by up to half hour picking him up from school so its now changed to me dropping him off at 6pm fridays ( i have to feed my baby at 4pm so cant leave til 5 and he is hours drive away!) and him bringing him back 6pm sunday.

My son was fine with this for 2 years but the last few months he has been telling me he dont want to go as he dont get on with his dads partner's daughter (hope that makes sense) she is 13. This started after her mum took her side during an arguement and my ex took our sons side. It caused a big row between my ex and his partner, leaving my son to feel he was to blame. My son tells me that when his dad is not there the daughter tells him constantly that she dont like him, wishes he wasnt there and tells him he is nasty. He keeps most of it to himself as he dont want to cause another big arguement. But as i say the last few months he has begged me not to take him, he has faked being ill and starts crying on the journey there. When i have explained to my ex, he has accused me of twisting our sons mind to make him not want to go. He threatens my son with Cafcas as if its a bad thing and it worries my son that we will end up in court again as he thinks this too is bad. I know my son wont want to say something 'bad' about his dad as he dont want to get him into trouble. His dad works friday nights 7pm - 2am and saturday nights 7pm-2am so he has to stay at home with his dads partner and her daughter. This is where the worry starts as he knows when i drop him off that he will have to stay with them. I feel bad taking him to somewhere he really dont want to go but as its a court order i know i cant not take him. Every friday im left feeling guilty and i feel like it all weekend.
He tells me when he comes home that he doesnt want to go again but is back to normal after being home a few days and says he will try again but same thing happens every journey there. Now im stuck on what to do - ideally i would like to scrap fridays as he dont see his dad all night anyway and maybe take him on a saturday morning 10am - sunday 6pm so its just the one night and see how it goes but i know if i mention this to his dad he wont like it as its me thats suggested it! But i cant bear to leave my son like this no longer. Another problem is school holidays - half and half. how can i solve that one? As far as im concerned my son is my first priority.
I am writing this after another tearful goodbye with him and am feeling guilty as hell.
Can anyone help me?
TIA, any info/advice is very much appreciated.
Lawlorlane - A.K.A - Natalie

poppyolivia

Awww I can't help really with advice but I think you need to sort it, your poor son will be sick with worry thinking about going. I would (if agreed) stop the Fri visits..not much point to them. Would your ex understand if you had a word with him about it or be akward?? I just feel sick in the stomach at the thought of your boy going there feeling like that..its not fair on you or him!

Best wishes what ever happens in the future xxx

Mips

Let it go to CAFCASS - your son is miserable at the hands of his Fathers partner and his child.

If he were mine he wouldn't be going anywhere near. You son has had enough heartache, he doesn't need anymore.

lawlorlane

poppyolivia wrote: »

Awww I can't help really with advice but I think you need to sort it, your poor son will be sick with worry thinking about going. I would (if agreed) stop the Fri visits..not much point to them. Would your ex understand if you had a word with him about it or be akward?? I just feel sick in the stomach at the thought of your boy going there feeling like that..its not fair on you or him!

Best wishes what ever happens in the future xxx

He would be VERY awkward - I would prob need to go to solicitors and get it arranged through Cafcass (another question with that - does anyone know, will i need to see solicitors or can i just go straight to Cafcass?) as he will never agree to something i suggest.
Thanks for the kind words and support! XxX

BARGAINHUNTER!

To be honest, if that were my son I wouldn't be making him go when he clearly gets upset in going. If I were you I would write your ex a letter stating the problems you are having getting your son to go, suggesting a way around it (different times) and see what the response is. If it isn't favourable, then you will have to contact a solicitor. if it goes back to court they will listen to the views of your son.

NUFCnutter

I have been here. You cannot force him to go if he is so unhappy. I know your ex will not understand but you need to sit down (maybe in a public coffee place so there isn't a scene) and say, " XXXX(son's name) feels intimidated by XXXX (his stepdaughter's name). I am not prepared to let my son be bullied by her. He has stated he does not want to stay with your partner and her daughter while at work so we need to work something else out where he spends time with you exclusively."

If he cannot agree to that then let it go to CAFCASS but tell your son repeatedly that it is not his fault, and tell your ex that if he keeps telling your son that it is bad to go to CAFCASS or that it is your son's fault then you will tell CAFCASS that.

Your son is sooooo much more important that your ex (and I know you know that) so focus on him. If he does not want to go do not force him. Rearrange time with his dad without the partner and her daughter there.

lawlorlane

Dippychick wrote: »

Let it go to CAFCASS - your son is miserable at the hands of his Fathers partner and his child.

If he were mine he wouldn't be going anywhere near. You son has had enough heartache, he doesn't need anymore.

Hi, I would like to go to CAFCAS but i know my son is scared/worried to say anything bad about his dad!
He thinks if he tells them he dont want to stay at his dads and why then they will not let him see him, even though i have told him otherwise but i know his dad is telling him different.
I really dont want to take him there and it breaks my heart seeing him so upset but as its a court order i am not allowed to break it by not taking him. His dad will make sure i am the bad person out of this as he did last time when i refused to let him see him and the court said it was not fair on my son that i did that even though his dad was smashing in my front door, threatening me, cutting my phone line and stalking me!!

lawlorlane

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

To be honest, if that were my son I wouldn't be making him go when he clearly gets upset in going. If I were you I would write your ex a letter stating the problems you are having getting your son to go, suggesting a way around it (different times) and see what the response is. If it isn't favourable, then you will have to contact a solicitor. if it goes back to court they will listen to the views of your son.

Hi, As above, I cannot break the court order by not taking him or i am the wrong one. I will happily take my punishment if it means my sons happier for a while but once im branded the 'bad parent' in court thats all the judge seems to see!!

lawlorlane

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

To be honest, if that were my son I wouldn't be making him go when he clearly gets upset in going. If I were you I would write your ex a letter stating the problems you are having getting your son to go, suggesting a way around it (different times) and see what the response is. If it isn't favourable, then you will have to contact a solicitor. if it goes back to court they will listen to the views of your son.

Sorry submitted before i finished - I know for sure he would take the letter to his solicitor and say all sorts and i would rather be the one seeing my solicitor to get all this sorted, its always been a better outcome for my son that way. I have spoken to him about it but he says my son is fine when he is there and doesnt understand why my son wont tell him if he really is that upset but my son wont tell him as he dont want to cause arguements and is worried/scared about his dad reaction to being told he doesnt want to stay with him no more. I have suggested things to him to but if i suggest something he wont go with it, he is difficult like that. He only does what suits him!!
Thanks for your reply

lawlorlane

NUF!!!!ter wrote: »

I have been here. You cannot force him to go if he is so unhappy. I know your ex will not understand but you need to sit down (maybe in a public coffee place so there isn't a scene) and say, " XXXX(son's name) feels intimidated by XXXX (his stepdaughter's name). I am not prepared to let my son be bullied by her. He has stated he does not want to stay with your partner and her daughter while at work so we need to work something else out where he spends time with you exclusively."

If he cannot agree to that then let it go to CAFCASS but tell your son repeatedly that it is not his fault, and tell your ex that if he keeps telling your son that it is bad to go to CAFCASS or that it is your son's fault then you will tell CAFCASS that.

Your son is sooooo much more important that your ex (and I know you know that) so focus on him. If he does not want to go do not force him. Rearrange time with his dad without the partner and her daughter there.

Hi. I contacted an online solicitors help page to get an idea of the best route before I dredge up courts and solicitors and put my son through anything else, thier response was that i couldnt break the court order as it is just that, an order of a court, the law!!
They said to contact my soilicitor and explain what is happening and they will arrange CAFCAS to talk to my son but as i said, i know my son will find it hard or even wont tell them that he is unhappy for fear of upsetting his dad or getting him into trouble, even though i have told him this wont happen. When i told them this and said i think my only solution is to stop taking him they said i would be the one who faced court for breaking the order. Even though i think i could state my case i am still stuck on what my son is going to say to CAFCAS if it came to that. I just feel like im in a vicious circle, literally.
As for sitting down with him, i would love to be able to do this for my sons sake, no matter how hard for me but it wouldnt work, even in a public place. He has never been put off by public places, his voice is enough to scare anyone away and i know how angry he will be if i tried to discuss this as he was when i phoned him about it.
I have suggested the days only with just his dad but he always says he has a family and its not suitable for him to leave them for days out with our son. But the real reason is that i have suggested it and he seems to think its out of spite. This angers me as its about my son and whats best for him but he dont see that.
Thanks for the reply!

Poppy9

If your son is so unhappy then he has to speak up. I would take your son to your solicitor with a view to your son engaging his own legal representative.

I appreciate it's hard for your son to be disloyal to his father, but if it's making him so unhappy something has to be done.

http://www.divorceaid.co.uk/legal/children.htm