I don't think I can do this anymore.........

poppyscorner

As the title suggests I am really struggling to cope at the minute and dont really know what to do with myself.

As you all know from earlier posts me and hubby seperated last week and he is really messing with my head about it.

When he left he said that he just didnt love me anymore he didnt know why or why he didnt want to try and work at it (which was my first question to him can we work it out).

Then there was the whole facebook issue aswell with him spending loads of time on that before the split and things like logging out when I went near him etc etc being secretive not speaking to me and all the rest of it.

He swore on our childrens lives there was no one else and then admitted the next day that he was infact pursuing this girl on facebook and he wanted to be with her I did get in touch with her and told her what I thought about the two of them betraying us like that (she knew all about me ) she didnt respond but I know she told him about it.

Since then he has been really awkward about seeing the kids giving me any answers to questions such as why does he not love me he either says dont know or completely blanks me he has given me maintainance he came down with it yesterday and cried the whole time he was here if I want him to discuss things to do with us I make sure the kids arent here (and due to the fact that he has cheated on me before and ran off with the girl on the spur of the moment and the fact that he will not talk to me and tell me what he plans to do next he is unpredictable and I don't think its possible for him to tell the truth or for me to trust him I have said that I will allow him to see the children here on a supervised basis for now) he argued with me that this was all really unfair he wasnt going to do anything with them he would return them on time he really misses them he is really hurting blah blah I felt sorry for him (i know) I thought he meant this all. He also said that he had been to work this week but the customer cant pay him until next week so he cant afford to give me any money until next week. I also believed that.

This morning DS1 was really upset he refused to get ready for school then he said he was poorly and couldn't go to school then on the way there he asked me if he could see his dad tonight I said I would see about it DS1 has been really upset the last few nights crying (he says its over something really trivial such as his slinky spring being tangled) but he cries so hard he sobs and sobs and I know its because he misses his dad I feel so guilty.

I have tried to talk to ex about this but he is not interested he is angry with me because he wants to take the children out for full days unsupervised and I am standing in his way (another thing about that is that he wants to do 'fun' things with them which means spoiling them probably out of guilt and saying to them dont we have fun when we are together mum doesnt do this do she ?) He just wont listen to me when I say that I cannot allow him to take them away because I dont trust him. Anyway he came round tonight and he made the boys their tea and played with them for a while I went upstairs to do the ironing to allow them some privacy but so I could hear if he tried to go anywhere then at 5.30 he says I am off at 6pm. I was suprised because I thought he would want to stay until bedtime. He said he needed to go coz his mam was making his tea I asked him if it was because it was friday (the usual night for him to go drinking) he said no he wasnt going out he had no money as he had already explained blah blah.

DS1 was really upset tonight worse than the past few nights sobbing really hard and clinging to me tightly then he asked if he could speak to dad now as he had said he wasnt going out I agreed and I rang him his mum answered and said he was out with his friend. So I then had to explain to DS1 why he couldnt talk to daddy. I am really angry with him I mean why cant he just tell the truth I am certain he is playing games and it is not on our children are at the centre of all this and it is not a game this is our lives and it seems to be a huge joke to him.

I dont know whether I am coming or going and I have to hold it together all the time to show the kids that its ok but also allow them to ask questions and answer them as best as I can without slagging dad off. It is just so hard and I dont really know how I am going to cope there are different members of my family shouting their opinion all the time and then the strangers who come up to you in the street and say that I am better off without him. The thing is I don't want him back I could never trust him again and he was far too selfish I am just really angry with him I feel (after the initial shock) that I have a second chance to find real love and be happy. Its just lie after lie and silly little games with him all the time and its doing my head in he knows just what to say to make me feel guilty and make me question whether I am a bad mum to my kids I just want them to come out of all this and be OK it rips me apart to see them cry and be so upset.

I'm sorry I dont know what else to say I just really needed to get that down on paper (so to speak) can anyone make any sense of this.

Jo_R_2

Hiya poppyscorner, wanted to send you lots of hugs...

I broke up with my ex last year. Although the circumstances were different (he didn't cheat but was basically not supporting me or the kids in any way and wanted to live the life of a single guy), my ex behaved similarly to yr H.

My ex also refused to answer questions as to how he felt, what he wanted to do, and so on. He also did the 'hard done to' act, how difficult it was for him not seeing the kids, when in actual fact it was him who was cancelling arrangements, not turning up and so on.

He also did the leaving early thing when he did come round to see the kids, and would spend most of teatime texting. He'd say he had to get home because of buses/ work to do but it turned out he also was going out, also after saying he had no money to contribute towards the children. It turned out he'd actually met someone a week after he moved out and he was going to meet her in the evenings

I know what you mean when people are all around you saying what they think and what you ought to do. You almost feel like you are betraying their support to actually think you might want him to come back. Of course when you have a family together it feels like things are so much more important and that you might sacrifice your principles in order for the kids to grow up with mum *and* dad...

The thing, is, you can't control what other people do, how they act, but you can control how you react to it. You need to get some semblance of routine back. This might involve speaking to H and arranging some sort of regular contact. I'd back off asking him about feelings, what he's doing, if he loves you. Just deal with what you have now in front of you. He's moved out (sorry, I can't remember if he left off his own back?), and what you know is you need to look after you and the kids. Give yourself some headspace from him - is there any way he could take the kids, say, to his mums or would you not be happy about this? Could anyone else supervise at an alternative location, or do you feel that you could trust him to take the kids off for the day/weekend by himself?

mountainofdebt

Oh Poppy

I really don't have any practical words of advice but have a big cyber hug from me..

All I can say is that it sounds as if your son is as confused as you are and the fact that his dad doesn't seem to care doesn't help the situation either.

It will take time, its early days for you all but you will get through it and your sons will realise that you're not the bad parent in all of this...you're the parent who was there for them in the bad times as well as the good.

Mips

It will get better for you poppyscorner... not much advice I know, but you will get through this and who knows.

It would be breaking my heart seeing my children like that, do try to not slag their Dad off.. they need to make their own decisions on what he is like... and they will.. you haven't done anything wrong in this situation.

big hugs xxx

tattycath

((((hugs)))) poppyscorner. Sorry i have no words of wisdom, but I know it sometimes helps to write things down. All I can say from experience is that you will get through this and every experience makes us stronger. You may not be able to see it yet but there is a light at the end of the tunnel (((hugs)))

tsstss7

Sorry to hear you are feeling down poppy - only natural I know. It WILL get better.

If you can try and minimise the times he has contact with you also so that you get a chance to recover too.

I know you cannot trust him to have unsupervised contact at the mo. due to the possibility that he will take the children away but do you think he would split the children up - by that I mean could you let him take the older one out while keeping the baby at home? Would that maybe be an acceptable compromise?

Ps Trust your instincts - if you feel he would take the kids despite the impact on them stick to your guns - better you offend him than put the little ones through that sort of stress!!!!

hobo28

Hi Poppyscorner

I know you are going through a tough time but is there a reason why you are not letting him have access?

Is he a terrible father? Has he said he will take children?

I can understand why you are hurt but not why he somehow now cannot be trusted alone with the kids.

poppyscorner

hobo28 wrote: »

Hi Poppyscorner

I know you are going through a tough time but is there a reason why you are not letting him have access?

Is he a terrible father? Has he said he will take children?

I can understand why you are hurt but not why he somehow now cannot be trusted alone with the kids.

I did explain in the post but maybe I didn't make it clear so will try again a few years ago he had an affair (before DS2 was born) he left us then with the same speech as this time didnt love me anymore had felt this way for a while anyway when the affair was revealed a few weeks later he just !!!!!!ed off some where with this other girl didnt tell me where but yes he threatened to remove my son from me and I would never find them or see him again his behaviour then was exactly the same as it is now and although those words haven't actually came out of his mouth yet because of his behaviour being so unpredictable (it is believe it or not quite out of character) I am not really willing to take the risk if we were talking about the dog then yes but these are our children and if he got the idea in his head he would just do it and leave with them and I can say that knowing I am right.

I have not stopped him seeing the children he just needs to see them here for a while so I can be sure they are safe, believe me I would much rather he took them out I don't really want him here and I could use a break too but while the situation is what it is I dont feel able to take the risk.

Hope I have explained my reasons a bit better there.

poppyscorner

tsstss7 wrote: »

Sorry to hear you are feeling down poppy - only natural I know. It WILL get better.

If you can try and minimise the times he has contact with you also so that you get a chance to recover too.

I know you cannot trust him to have unsupervised contact at the mo. due to the possibility that he will take the children away but do you think he would split the children up - by that I mean could you let him take the older one out while keeping the baby at home? Would that maybe be an acceptable compromise?

Ps Trust your instincts - if you feel he would take the kids despite the impact on them stick to your guns - better you offend him than put the little ones through that sort of stress!!!!

Yes I think he would split them especially if he had DS1 he is closest to him and although I think he loves DS2 in his own way he never bonded quite the same with him.

iceicebaby

Poppy

I have no idea what you are going through as I have never been in your situation myself. However I can see that your hurting lots.

Just do whatever you feel is right for you and your children at the moment and take each day 1 at a time and try and be strong.

((hugs)) for you and hang on here and talk to us all if it helps you.

k1mmie

Hugs to you poppy. I know exactly what you are going through and how you feel, They mess with your heart and your head. Trust your heart and your decisions when it comes to the children. Good luck hun and keep strong. He will regret his decisions.