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  • FIRST POST
    • Muscle750
    • By Muscle750 9th Jul 17, 9:27 PM
    • 879Posts
    • 268Thanks
    Muscle750
    Bank of mum and dad
    • #1
    • 9th Jul 17, 9:27 PM
    Bank of mum and dad 9th Jul 17 at 9:27 PM
    We have four grown up kids all left home, throu no fault of her own we went down to just one wage coming in due to ill health for a number of months which as a result ate all or the little we had in savings etc. Weve sailed pretty close to the wind on numerous occasions althou every bill is paid and we have no arrears on anything. Our youngest son borrowed some money now well over 18 months ago and has been always coming up with excuses about paying it back yet has just started. One daughter borrowed some also and has paid back some of it but stopped. Now the other son has asked to borrow some money as they are financially in the dire for a few months althou his wife has been left quite a significant amount of money which she should have by end of September. I can only do what i can do and i remember how my parents helped us out when we were in trouble. What has annoyed me thou is the fact that whilst one owed me money which they still do they managed to find the money for a expensive holiday in the tropics plus money for another expensive item. We cant afford a holiday or even a weekend break now and things will be very tight until the new year.

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    Last edited by MSE Andrea; 19-07-2017 at 10:25 AM.
Page 1
    • Judi
    • By Judi 9th Jul 17, 9:35 PM
    • 15,165 Posts
    • 61,879 Thanks
    Judi
    • #2
    • 9th Jul 17, 9:35 PM
    • #2
    • 9th Jul 17, 9:35 PM
    Just say no. They dont need it and as long as you keep giving they will keep asking.

    When you borrowed money off your parents did you really need it or did you spend it on foreign holidays and expensive items?
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • pinkshoes
    • By pinkshoes 9th Jul 17, 9:52 PM
    • 15,239 Posts
    • 20,738 Thanks
    pinkshoes
    • #3
    • 9th Jul 17, 9:52 PM
    • #3
    • 9th Jul 17, 9:52 PM
    I would be honest and say that you cannot afford it.

    I would then contact your other two kids that still owe money and say to them that you are financially in need and can the repay their debts.

    Kids just assume their parents heads are well above water and would be none the wiser unless you say something.

    Be honest with them and ask for the money back.
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
    • Muscle750
    • By Muscle750 9th Jul 17, 9:53 PM
    • 879 Posts
    • 268 Thanks
    Muscle750
    • #4
    • 9th Jul 17, 9:53 PM
    • #4
    • 9th Jul 17, 9:53 PM
    we really needed it
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 9th Jul 17, 10:54 PM
    • 2,856 Posts
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    gettingtheresometime
    • #5
    • 9th Jul 17, 10:54 PM
    • #5
    • 9th Jul 17, 10:54 PM
    Then don't lend.

    If they moan that you lent their siblings money then tell them the truth - you'd be happy to lend them the money but don't have it available as their siblings didn't repay their loan.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - the Argos Card!
    • balletshoes
    • By balletshoes 10th Jul 17, 12:18 AM
    • 15,843 Posts
    • 40,399 Thanks
    balletshoes
    • #6
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:18 AM
    • #6
    • 10th Jul 17, 12:18 AM
    they are all adults OP, surely they all know the cost of living, and so when you tell them you can't afford to lend them any more money, and you'd appreciate them paying their debts back to you as a priority, they'd understand that you also have bills to pay, and you are also on a fixed income?
    • Geoff1963
    • By Geoff1963 10th Jul 17, 1:23 AM
    • 1,057 Posts
    • 669 Thanks
    Geoff1963
    • #7
    • 10th Jul 17, 1:23 AM
    • #7
    • 10th Jul 17, 1:23 AM
    Have a family gathering, and tell those that haven't repaid, that they are letting down those who now want to borrow.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 10th Jul 17, 5:59 AM
    • 15,941 Posts
    • 39,731 Thanks
    FBaby
    • #8
    • 10th Jul 17, 5:59 AM
    • #8
    • 10th Jul 17, 5:59 AM
    They are entitled OP, and they are because you still treat them like vulnerable kids and they have a sense of entitlement. It's disgusting that they should borrow money, stop repaying, go on holiday whilst you can't afford to. They get away with it because they don't have to feel any guilt since you say nothing and probably still welcome you into your house with open arms, more or less telling them that it's ok.

    Time to act like parents and teach them about responsibility. They were LUCKY that you agreed to lend them money, not repaying is showing very poor respect back and they need to be told so.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 10th Jul 17, 7:58 AM
    • 17,993 Posts
    • 45,860 Thanks
    Pollycat
    • #9
    • 10th Jul 17, 7:58 AM
    • #9
    • 10th Jul 17, 7:58 AM
    I think you've been silly lending money to at least one of your children who - even though they had to ask you to lend them money - managed to magic money out of thin air to pay for a holiday and an expensive item.

    Not to mention that you've allowed 2 of your children to get away with not paying you back.
    Judge Rinder would 'tut tut'.

    However, I think you've set yourself a precedent.
    Can you really say 'no' to the 3rd child who asks to borrow money when you've not said 'no' to 2 of your other children?

    I'd start by speaking to both of the lenders and tell them they need to start paying back the money they've borrowed.
    Set out a payment plan - direct debit for £x per month into your account.

    I'd also quiz the child who's asked to borrow money.
    What's it for?
    Why can't it wait for a couple of months until his wife gets her inheritance.
    Why can't they cut back on their expenses like you've had to do instead of asking to borrow from you?
    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 10th Jul 17, 8:34 AM
    • 447 Posts
    • 663 Thanks
    BBH123
    I think the rub is that rather than paying you back one has chosen an expensive holiday which is totally wrong. It happened to me so i understand.

    I think from now on no more lends from you, explain you just dont have the money and are looking for what was borrowed to be repaid.

    If they still want to borrow they can do it between thelselves as they are adults.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 10th Jul 17, 8:49 AM
    • 3,429 Posts
    • 7,560 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    I'd start by speaking to both of the lenders and tell them they need to start paying back the money they've borrowed.
    Set out a payment plan - direct debit for £x per month into your account.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Technical point - you mean standing order, not direct debit. Individuals cannot be recipients of direct debit payments, banks require significant guarantees and paperwork before they allow anyone the ability to take money from someone else's account by DD.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • rach_k
    • By rach_k 10th Jul 17, 9:11 AM
    • 1,023 Posts
    • 1,739 Thanks
    rach_k
    I would tell them that all your spare money is tied up in loans the siblings should have paid back by now, so if they can extract the money from their brother and sister they can take that and pay you back in 6 (or 12?) months. That way, you're making it clear that you would have treated the siblings the same if you could but it's the siblings who have let you all down. Perhaps if you are unwilling to be strict about the money, a bit of sibling pressure might help and it will also show that you are not a source of unlimited cash!
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 10th Jul 17, 9:12 AM
    • 22,610 Posts
    • 58,096 Thanks
    pollypenny
    I have sympathy for the OP, as the one who is asking now is genuinely in need. The obvious answer is to put pressure on the other two, who haven't repaid, to cough up.

    Your financial situation will have to be spelled out to them, as will the selfishness of the one gallivanting off on holiday with no regard for his debt.

    Our two have always offered money back - so far we've been able to say it's ok, while we can we will do it. We have a friend who actually charges his kids interest if they borrow.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 10th Jul 17, 9:17 AM
    • 17,993 Posts
    • 45,860 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I have sympathy for the OP, as the one who is asking now is genuinely in need. The obvious answer is to put pressure on the other two, who haven't repaid, to cough up.

    Your financial situation will have to be spelled out to them, as will the selfishness of the one gallivanting off on holiday with no regard for his debt.

    Our two have always offered money back - so far we've been able to say it's ok, while we can we will do it. We have a friend who actually charges his kids interest if they borrow.
    Originally posted by pollypenny
    Is that really the case though?

    Anyone can say they're in 'dire need of money'.
    For some people that means not having enough money to buy food or pay the mortgage, to others it might mean having to downsize to 2 weeks in the Med instead of 3 weeks in Barbados.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 10th Jul 17, 9:30 AM
    • 15,165 Posts
    • 61,879 Thanks
    Judi
    Thing is, you start lending money to one and then you have to lend to the others. You cant treat kids (even adult kids) differently as it causes divisions.

    Either that or you dont tell the others that youve lent siblings money.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Malthusian
    • By Malthusian 10th Jul 17, 9:35 AM
    • 3,046 Posts
    • 4,411 Thanks
    Malthusian
    I think the rub is that rather than paying you back one has chosen an expensive holiday which is totally wrong.
    Originally posted by BBH123
    I went on an expensive holiday recently when I could have paid back a loan instead. But I had agreed with my mortgage lender that I'd pay the loan back over 25 years and only sooner if I felt like it, so they have no reason to complain.

    Nor does the OP if he didn't specify a repayment date, or tell his children that he was calling in his loan and they should repay him as soon as possible, because he needed the money for his own needs or to lend it to their sibling. If you lend someone money without agreeing terms for repayment then of course you are going to be at the back of the queue.

    You can be someone's creditor or their friend but not both.
    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 10th Jul 17, 10:12 AM
    • 447 Posts
    • 663 Thanks
    BBH123
    I think borrowing from a mortgage provider / bank is totally different from personal borrowing from family.

    As for agreeing terms maybe they were wrong not to but you also like to think the kids are astute enought to realise mum and dad need the money and pay it back as a priority.
    • davidwood123
    • By davidwood123 10th Jul 17, 11:19 AM
    • 450 Posts
    • 1,127 Thanks
    davidwood123
    Just tell him you would love to lend him the money but because his siblings didn't pay you back when they borrowed money, you now can't afford to.
    • maman
    • By maman 10th Jul 17, 12:04 PM
    • 16,846 Posts
    • 100,606 Thanks
    maman
    Is that really the case though?

    Anyone can say they're in 'dire need of money'.
    For some people that means not having enough money to buy food or pay the mortgage, to others it might mean having to downsize to 2 weeks in the Med instead of 3 weeks in Barbados.
    Originally posted by Pollycat

    OP seems satisfied that her son needs the money as he is 'financially in the dire'. It would seem that dire is used as a euphemism!


    The premise would seem to be that OP would like to lend the money (and could be paid back in a couple of months when inheritance comes along) but can't because savings have been used up on day to day living expenses and some loaned to other siblings who haven't paid back in full.


    I think borrowing from a mortgage provider / bank is totally different from personal borrowing from family.

    As for agreeing terms maybe they were wrong not to but you also like to think the kids are astute enought to realise mum and dad need the money and pay it back as a priority.
    Originally posted by BBH123

    I've always considered the 'bank of mum and dad' (where I'm the mum) to be totally different in that I've gifted money to my children and not expected or wanted to have it back.


    I realise that I'm fortunate to be able to do that but I do think there's an element of good financial 'training' in that my children can manage independently, have never asked us for a penny so what we've given them just makes life a bit more comfortable.


    Obviously we don't know the details of why OP's children have found themselves needing to borrow but I'd hope it was something really serious and unexpected (like redundancy or ill health) as it sounds to me as if mum and dad are only just managing themselves.


    They need the money back from the two other children ASAP. If it helps to explain they need it for the brother then that might give some leverage.


    After that I think I'd put some money aside in case child 4 ever asks and then stop lending! I think this particular bank should close down.
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 10th Jul 17, 1:04 PM
    • 29,995 Posts
    • 17,927 Thanks
    getmore4less

    I've always considered the 'bank of mum and dad' (where I'm the mum) to be totally different in that I've gifted money to my children and not expected or wanted to have it back.
    Originally posted by maman
    Gifts and loans are very different beasts.

    One of the key elements of a loan are terms to make legally collectible and have termination conditions,

    Like if we(or you) die it is payable in full(ie. comes of their share of the estate).
    Like a min monthly payment and a max end date.
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