being a carer

Raksha · 26 February 2014 at 7:15PM

Im struggling to care for my oh. He's been off work for 3 months with severe pain in his left hip and knee. He walks with a stick, but can barely get round the house. Hes in constant pain and cries out with it. He can't get upstairs to the loo, so has to pee in a plastic pot. He won't tell his gp he cant control his bladder and won't use the incontinence pads I've bought for him.
He's supposedly asked for an assesment by social services but we've heard nothing for a month...
I'm not sure how much more I can take

Torry_Quine · 26 February 2014 at 7:19PM

I think you need to speak to his GP and see what help can be offered. He needs an assessement from social services as do you if you are caring for him. Things like pads are available on prescription for instance.

When_the_going_gets_tough · 26 February 2014 at 7:21PM

Hi Raksha this sounds really bad for you both. Do you want help advancing medical treatment, help for him to manage at home, financial help or all of these? A bit more information as to what has happened so far would assist people in giving help

sulkisu · 26 February 2014 at 8:13PM

Raksha wrote: »

Im struggling to care for my oh. He's been off work for 3 months with severe pain in his left hip and knee. He walks with a stick, but can barely get round the house. Hes in constant pain and cries out with it. He can't get upstairs to the loo, so has to pee in a plastic pot. He won't tell his gp he cant control his bladder and won't use the incontinence pads I've bought for him.
He's supposedly asked for an assesment by social services but we've heard nothing for a month...
I'm not sure how much more I can take

It sounds as if you doubt that he has asked for a social services assessment. In which case, it is probably prudent to chase that up yourself. The only way that you will get the help that you clearly need, is if he is honest with his GP about the extent of his problems. Could you make another appointment for him and insist that you go in with him? Perhaps he is too embarassed to mention it, or he is afraid of admitting how bad things really are.

Person_one · 26 February 2014 at 8:15PM

Is he under the district nurses? If he is, they should be able to speed things up with social services/occupational therapy etc. and they might also be able to arrange for a continence assessment if your husband would agree. If not, ask your GP for their number and have a chat to see if they can help, with his agreement.

Its difficult to admit to and talk about embarrassing medical issues, but unless he is willing to then nothing will get better, sadly. If he has the capacity to make his own decisions then nobody can force him to make the right ones, which puts you in a really tough situation.

Mojisola · 26 February 2014 at 8:16PM

sulkisu wrote: »

It sounds as if you doubt that he has asked for a social services assessment. In which case, it is probably prudent to chase that up yourself.

The only way that you will get the help that you clearly need, is if he is honest with his GP about the extent of his problems. Could you make another appointment for him and insist that you go in with him? Perhaps he is too embarassed to mention it, or he is afraid of admitting how bad things really are.

If he won't let you go in with him, there's nothing stopping you making an appointment with his GP. The GP won't discuss your OH with you but he/she should listen to you and you can explain just how difficult things are at home.

Raksha · 26 February 2014 at 8:47PM

He is an intensely private and independent person, he doesn't seem to take any suggestions I make seriously or realise how difficult things are for the rest of the family. He's particularly bad today as yesterday he was getting very stressed about having to do some paperwork for his security clearance at work. I have been able to get out for a few hours today as I do voluntary work once a week at a local museum, but because of my own health issues, I don't have any friends.

Person_one · 26 February 2014 at 9:03PM

Raksha wrote: »

He is an intensely private and independent person, he doesn't seem to take any suggestions I make seriously or realise how difficult things are for the rest of the family. He's particularly bad today as yesterday he was getting very stressed about having to do some paperwork for his security clearance at work. I have been able to get out for a few hours today as I do voluntary work once a week at a local museum, but because of my own health issues, I don't have any friends.

Unfortunately, if a person is capable of making their own decisions, health professionals/social services etc. can't do anything to help them without their permission. This can make things incredibly difficult for their families and carers, sadly.

Are there any support groups locally for carers? Are you aware of Carers UK? If you can't convince your OH to accept support, at least get as much as you can for yourself.

http://www.carersuk.org

sassyblue · 26 February 2014 at 9:13PM

Raksha wrote: »

Im struggling to care for my oh. He's been off work for 3 months with severe pain in his left hip and knee. He walks with a stick, but can barely get round the house. Hes in constant pain and cries out with it. He can't get upstairs to the loo, so has to pee in a plastic pot. He won't tell his gp he cant control his bladder and won't use the incontinence pads I've bought for him.
He's supposedly asked for an assesment by social services but we've heard nothing for a month...
I'm not sure how much more I can take

I'm not surprised Raksha, he can't expect to do nothing when he's in this terrible state and so reliant on you.

I would go to the doctors tomorrow on his behalf, would your surgery send a doctor out on a home visit at some point during the day? Too bad if hubby complains I'm sorry but he's being selfish, and that's the best l could say!

meritaten · 26 February 2014 at 9:29PM

mojisola is right. I had to do a similar thing with a GP I hadn't met before when MIL was first ill. I couldn't understand why she was being given mild painkillers and no further investigation. I had made appointments and taken her down to the doctors many times, but she wouldn't let me go in to the consultation with her. I made an appointment in her name and then I went in and I sat and said to her GP "I know you cant 'discuss' MIL, but you can listen. then recited her symptoms and my worries and was told, 'get her back down to me and we will definitely go from there'. As I had thought, MIL was playing down her problems. from there its was a pretty fast diagnosis to terminal stomach cancer. BUT, she did have palliative surgery and aftercare.

I think you are going to have to do the same - you cannot carry on like this! its bad for you, its bad for OH too! he may be cross with you (luckily MIL never did know about my visit to her GP), but, sometimes you DO have to do these things.

KxMx · 26 February 2014 at 9:45PM

Raksha wrote: »

Im struggling to care for my oh. He's been off work for 3 months with severe pain in his left hip and knee. He walks with a stick, but can barely get round the house. Hes in constant pain and cries out with it. He can't get upstairs to the loo, so has to pee in a plastic pot. He won't tell his gp he cant control his bladder and won't use the incontinence pads I've bought for him.
He's supposedly asked for an assesment by social services but we've heard nothing for a month...
I'm not sure how much more I can take

Sorry to hear things aren't any better Raksha, I remember your previous thread.
Can your teenagers help out more so there is less pressure on you?
Any progress on seeing a pain specialist or using his dla to fix the downstairs loo?
Did the facebook carers group work out?
Would your own health allow you to increase voluntary work as respite? As you seemed to indicate this was beneficial for you.

All I can suggest this time is the possibility of tough love, so he is made to see how difficult things are for you. Put yourself first and so on. Sometimes you have to for the sake of your own health. Perhaps your own GP may be able to offer you some help and support as the carer.

being a carer

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