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My 18 year old daughter wants to leave home
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# 1
tessa0032
Old 30-12-2009, 7:33 PM
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Default My 18 year old daughter wants to leave home

we are getting on so badly that we both think it would be a great relief if she lived in a flat locally for 6 months while she finishes her A levels.



Apparently I won't get Working Families Tax Credits after she leaves home but will get Child Benefit still as long as I'm supporting her. So my questions are: what's reasonable to give her, is she entitled to any state help? She will be looking for part time work and gets EMA 30 a week. I could rent a room out here and get 50 a week (we live in the north west so it's cheap round here) and she has some money of her own from presents from grandparents when she was a baby, astutely invested by her parents, etc.

Any comments welcome. My daughter has great plans for her flat, it'll be a pleasure to see her keep her own place tidy rather than the mess she keeps this place!

love, Tessa0032

Last edited by tessa0032; 31-12-2009 at 4:51 PM. Reason: to simplify the issue
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# 2
ciano125
Old 30-12-2009, 7:46 PM
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It could just be me, but if she wants to move out, she can pay for herself. She'll never learn the value of money otherwise. Also, I wouldnt want to see the money that we'd put away for our child swallowed up by some buy to let landlord either.
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# 3
Radiantsoul
Old 30-12-2009, 7:49 PM
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Agree with the person above, I suppose you could lend her the money though.

Does she have any idea about bills, etc.
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# 4
Fire Fox
Old 30-12-2009, 7:49 PM
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I moved out at 17, or more to the point after yet another screaming row it was suggested I lodge with some acquaintances of the family. I was a brat but having to pay rent (a modest amount, my parents secretly topped it up) from my wages made me grow up quite a bit - I moved home at 19 and relocated to another part of the country on excellent terms at 20.

I believe your daughter will only be entitled to state help (income support and local housing allowance) if she is estranged from you, in which case you cannot claim child support nor give her money. She would not get local housing allowance sufficient to run a flat, young people are expected to live in shared accommodation. As a full time student your daughter would not have to pay council tax, she would need to get an exemption certificate from college.

Why a flat and not a lodgings or a shared house? A shared house or lodgings will be excellent practice for when she (hopefully) goes away to university and may make her realise how good she has it at home. I know in my teens I thought I should be able to eat what I want and go to bed when I want, but you have to learn to compromise in shared accommodation. I think your own flat is something you should 'earn' or aspire to, and with her own pad there is a danger it will become party central which would not be good for the A level results!
What a difference a day makes, twenty four little hours.
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# 5
456789
Old 30-12-2009, 7:50 PM
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don't give her money!!
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# 6
tessa0032
Old 30-12-2009, 7:56 PM
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All these thoughts are so helpful. She is very clear about bills, etc, she knows what she'll have to pay for. we live in a university town and there are plenty of rooms in shared student houses, but she doesn't want to do that as she is worried that she won't get any work done, cos she'll have to spend all her time getting to know her flatmates. She has plans to share a flat in London next year where she's going to study textiles. I think it seems fair to give her what I would get/will get from renting her room out, but she'll need to add a good deal to that for a flat of her own.
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# 7
Fire Fox
Old 30-12-2009, 8:03 PM
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Why not rent a room from an older couple as I did? No distractions from study like a shared house ... or maybe you are being wrapped around her little finger? I'd have said or done virtually anything for my own flat at 17. She won't get much study done if she is working for minimum wage to fund all the bills on her own flat!
What a difference a day makes, twenty four little hours.
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# 8
blckbrd
Old 30-12-2009, 8:07 PM
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Hmmm teenagers
Opinion, advice and information are different things. Don't be surprised if you receive all 3 in response.
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# 9
tessa0032
Old 30-12-2009, 8:13 PM
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it's great to hear people's experiences. Most people I know (including me) left home at 18, she certainly wants to use this experience to improve our relationship before she moves away. I can't imagine how it will be - what would be good would be for her to try it out for a month rather than what has to happen which is she has to take a 6 month lease (but presumably can always sublet if it doesn't work out).
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# 10
Kavanne
Old 30-12-2009, 8:24 PM
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if she wants to move out then she can pay for herself and sort it out herself. If you want her to move out you should pay for it and sort it out.

If you want her to stay maybe you should look at some ways to restore your relationship? Why is it so difficult for you to get along? Would counselling help?
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# 11
Yorkie1
Old 30-12-2009, 8:27 PM
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I'd have thought it unlikely that she will be able to sub-let a formal 6-month tenancy; you see threads all over the forums about people not being able to get out of tenancies despite things not going as planned. Whereas if she was a lodger (i.e. resident landlord) she is less tied in for long periods (although this does work both ways).
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# 12
tessa0032
Old 30-12-2009, 8:33 PM
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Kavanne - I actually think it would be good for us both if she moved out. Yes some sort of counselling might (have) work(ed) but seeing the option of freedom from each other for a bit is sounding really good. ... it's really helpful to see these different ideas on the site, thanks for all the replies- what a great site, I haven't used it before!
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# 13
Fire Fox
Old 30-12-2009, 8:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tessa0032 View Post
it's great to hear people's experiences. Most people I know (including me) left home at 18, she certainly wants to use this experience to improve our relationship before she moves away. I can't imagine how it will be - what would be good would be for her to try it out for a month rather than what has to happen which is she has to take a 6 month lease (but presumably can always sublet if it doesn't work out).
No reputable agency/ landlord will allow subletting: if you sublet illegally and the tenant does not pay the rent or trashes the flat your daughter will be liable. The best you can hope for is to have to pay the rent until the agency find a replacement, and pay all the costs involved in doing so.

Again, with a lodger arrangement your daughter will have fewer rights and fewer responsibilities - she should be able to give a month's notice at any time, depending on what the lodger agreement states. Personally I don't think a month is long enough, it's breathing space but it's not time to get into a routine of caring for yourself nor to get used to the concept of budgeting.

I don't get the impression you really want your daughter to move out: whose idea was the flat? :confused: I think you should point your daughter in the direction of this fantastic website, offer to attend counselling and then let her do all the legwork. No driving her to viewings, maybe a limited amount of financial support. Sorry to be harsh but ... there is a big difference between growing up and playing at being a grown up!
What a difference a day makes, twenty four little hours.
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# 14
tessa0032
Old 30-12-2009, 8:54 PM
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that's interesting Fire Fox - that you thnk I don't want her to go. We had had a big row over xmas, and eventually when we saw each other again (She'd been at a friend's) I gave her a load of ultimatums and said - you can always move out if you don't like it, go and live in a flat.... and actually later on she said she would like to do that - and it has got us talking again, in a reasonable way, about a possible workable solution to the problem. Yes there are a few other options that we hadnt looked at, that we will discuss. (Before this happened I had vaguely thought of making over the 2 rooms at the top of the house for her, and giving her more independence on other stuff - I like the things she's coming up with. Anyway, she is planning to go and look at some places tomorrow, I will see what she proposes.

Last edited by tessa0032; 30-12-2009 at 8:56 PM. Reason: left a bit off at the end
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# 15
Fire Fox
Old 30-12-2009, 9:04 PM
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I wish you both the best of luck, you sound like a lovely mum. Do pop back and update!
What a difference a day makes, twenty four little hours.
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# 16
tessa0032
Old 30-12-2009, 9:10 PM
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thanks Fire Fox - that was such a nice thing to say, made me cry - I don't want to be seen as just giving her everything she wants, but I'm sure that we'll both be happier if she's living somewhere else - and we talked about her wanting to come home for a meal once a week rather than hating seeing me all the time (it's working already, the atmosphere has been so clearer since we started talking about this option). I almost feel it's worth it for my sanity to sub her. Unfortunately her dad is away abroad at the moment so can't help - we've been split up since she was 3 but she's usually fine with him (can't live with him full time cos he lives in a different town). She was worried about the loneliness so I will propose the other options. What would be nice would be for her to take the cat (or get a cat) but I bet rental places don't let you have animals. Yes I'll pop back and update!
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# 17
surreybased
Old 30-12-2009, 10:35 PM
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Hi,

I have a daughter of a similar age and would prefer her to be at home with us during the final year of formal education. I guess I'd worry that the distraction of a new place would cause an impact on her exams. I know that 18 is deemed to be adult - but you're not really grown-up at that age despite what you think.

If she moves out I'd treat it like uni - perhaps pay her accomodation and let her sort other bills.
It's only 6-9 months before she goes to uni - could she not wait and in the meantime agree the rules..Not sure what the issues are (& I know teenagers can test your patience) but I figure counselling/mediation would be cheaper in the long run.
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# 18
Fire Fox
Old 30-12-2009, 10:36 PM
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Some rental places will allow pets, it's more whether it's right for the cat that would concern me. If your family pet is already an indoor cat and a confident soul that might be acceptable as it could return to you when your daughter goes away to university. :confused:

No reputable rescue would allow your daughter to adopt a cat when she has an unstable lifestyle. Realistically you can't take a cat to university as it would have to travel home every holiday which is very unsettling. I live alone and have an indoor cat (medical condition) and it's quite a responsibility, more akin to a dog than a cat as they are reliant on you for physical care and mental stimulation. You can't ever simply stay out overnight on the spur of the moment!
What a difference a day makes, twenty four little hours.
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# 19
PasturesNew
Old 30-12-2009, 10:52 PM
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I'm nearly 3x her age and struggle to afford my own place, even a studio flat. I don't see how she could afford it if she's not working full-time.
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# 20
Geenie
Old 30-12-2009, 11:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tessa0032 View Post
Kavanne - I actually think it would be good for us both if she moved out. Yes some sort of counselling might (have) work(ed) but seeing the option of freedom from each other for a bit is sounding really good. ... it's really helpful to see these different ideas on the site, thanks for all the replies- what a great site, I haven't used it before!
Tessa, I have a 19 year old daughter and am in the same position as you. I want her out, as life has become intolerable for the whole family. More importantly, I think it will be the making of her! I had a terrible time with my mother before I moved out at 18 to start nurse training. I was awful, just as my daughter is now. Mothers and daughters are a completely different kettle of fish compared to sons staying at home. We often fight more, are more vocal and competitive. It is what makes us strong, independant and able to cope in later life......


Good luck Tessa, and I am with you, along with countless other mothers in the country.

And keep us posted.


"Life is difficult. Life is a series of problems. What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one." M Scott Peck. The Road Less Travelled.
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