The Giving Up/ Cutting Down alcohol support thread - number 13

AlexLK · 17 October 2015 at 11:08AM

Dizzy_Imp wrote: »

Oh Alex - your post made me sad. You say you've no hope of making anything of yourself, but hun, you already have! You have a wife who obviously loves you enough to go to counselling with you and a son for whom you are a hero. They are your point to cutting down the booze. They love you. Everything or anything else doesn't matter. Hopefully this morning you may feel less down - I don't sleep well either, so you have my sympathies, but it's the weekend and time for fun with the family. Hold them close and enjoy your time with them. Sending hugs xxx

The last thing I want my son to do is to look to me as an example, certainly not a hero. I'll always be there for him but as he gets older, I hope he'll see my parents and wife as a better example of what he needs to do with his life than look to me.

Today we're meant to be going to the castle. My wife has taken son into town to buy things for a picnic. I'm not really sure if I can go but don't want to let them down. My only reason for choosing to stay alive is them and for my parents.

maman wrote: »

Of course dizzy's right Alex. Turn it the other way: would you want your nearest and dearest to have a drunk for a father/husband? I'm another poor sleeper but take pleasure in the fact that I'm in control of my drinking. There's enough in life that we can't control.

Of course not. However, it's difficult for my purpose in life to be to stay alive so as not to make others' lives difficult.

maman · 17 October 2015 at 11:15AM

Whether you intend to be a role model or not LittleK thinks you're wonderful. The fount of all knowledge;) and someone he adores spending time with. I'm sure he looks up to the rest of the family too for different reasons but his father is special to him.

I'm sure you'll enjoy the castle when you get there Alex. Enjoy your day with the family and try to leave the black dog at home:).

satchmo1 · 17 October 2015 at 12:39PM

Alex, I'm probably going to mix all kinds of metaphors now...

Have you heard about feeding the wolves? There are two wolves and only enough food for one. If you feed the dark (bad) wolf it will thrive and grow stronger. If you feed the light (good) wolf it will thrive and grow stronger. The bad wolf has rushed in and eaten all the day's food and is strong and dark and the good wolf can't get near. I hope today you can find some food for the good wolf.

I hope you are able to go to the castle with your lovely wife and son.

Well done on all the progress you've made with debt, drinking and self-harming. May you find the strength to fight the darkness that overwhelmed you yesterday.

Thank you for sharing how you feel with us, I hope you draw strength from the support this thread offers. It has helped me when I've felt mad/sad/bad/hopeless/helpless.

smallholdingsister · 17 October 2015 at 1:27PM

I am remiss in not posting - too busy!

Please Shaggy may I claim 4 more days so 9/21?

Desperado - I really enjoyed the blog 365 to sober

You need nerves of steel to read it!!

piggles1 · 17 October 2015 at 2:23PM

maman wrote: »

That's me. I think I've been here for seven!!

If it helps piggles, I've gone from a bottle+ every day (DH and I used to get through at least two but I always had more than my fair share) so about 10 bottles a week just for me to my current three. I never set out to give up just to put me in control of the booze rather than the other way round. Those are the numerical facts but there are so many other positives like no embarrassing moments, no hangovers and best of all for me fewer calories!!

Although I only plan 10 AFDs a month. I know I'm now a moderate, 'normal' social drinker. Posting on here makes me keep on the straight and narrow.

Good Luck with your own journey. Just ask if there's any way we can help.

thanks maman

I'm curious, if I may ask, how long did it take when you cut down from 10 bottles a week to 3? I found the first jump from 8 bottles a week down to 6 reasonably painless but I was doing it gradually.

I'm now finding cutting down to 3-4 units a day quite difficult. I've managed it last couple of days, 2.5 yesterday

, but I'm not sleeping very well and I keep waking every hour or so through the night.

Last night I had a real resistance to going to bed. I didn't want to give in and drink any more but didn't want to go to sleep. I was like that as a kid though, too scared to go to bed. That might be another issue though, my door kept being opened with them telling me I wasn't asleep

not really a sanctuary.

The good news though is I've got a tenner more in my wallet this week. Makes a real difference not having to buy enough for a bottle a day.

Honey_Bear · 17 October 2015 at 4:15PM

Sorry I can't offer any advice on cutting down, Piggles. I didn't want you to think I was ignoring your post but I couldn't cut down successfully, and I gave it my best shot for years. It's difficult. I take my hat off to Maman, because I know she's managing it very nicely thank you.

Alex, I can't tell you how much I wanted to give you a huge (((hug))) reading your heartfelt post. Everything that everyone else has said is true, and you've obviously moved mountains to get from where you were to where you are, so there's something else I wanted to add.

It didn't take a day, a week, a month, or even a year to get from the idealistic person you were and thought you'd grow up to be, or into as you matured. It probably took more than a decade. Turning our lives around takes less time because we're committed to it but it takes a while. Think about a juggernaut going down the motorway at 70 or 80 mph - it takes quite a while after the driver has decided to put the brakes on to get the thing to slow down and eventually come to a stop. Metaphorically, you're trying to reverse as well! You've shown both yourself and everyone who cares about you that you can do this, but we all get disheartened when we're not 100% where we want to be after a lot of hard work. The important thing to remember is that:

Everything feels like failure in the middle;
if it doesn't feel like failure -
you're not in the middle.

What you're experiencing, unpleasant and uncomfortable though it is, is absolutely normal. Talk to your counsellor about this and see if there's anything else you can add into your personal programme to give yourself a boost. I promise you, if you stick with this course, you will succeed.

And, you may not think you're marvellous yet, but your son does and he will never feel the way he feels about you for anyone else. I'm glad you've got him and he's got you.

17/31 please, Shaggy.

AlexLK · 17 October 2015 at 8:52PM

11 for tonight, please. Spent some time talking to my wife about not drinking unless at a party / other special occasion. I know this was somewhat out of the blue for her but she seems to think it's a good idea for both of us.

maman wrote: »

Whether you intend to be a role model or not LittleK thinks you're wonderful. The fount of all knowledge;) and someone he adores spending time with. I'm sure he looks up to the rest of the family too for different reasons but his father is special to him.

I'm sure you'll enjoy the castle when you get there Alex. Enjoy your day with the family and try to leave the black dog at home:).

Glad I went to the castle in the end, my son had a wonderful time. Kept my mind on other things for a while, so was good for me too. The black dog had a day running about at my cousin's with her siblings and mother, so she wasn't present.

I do try my best with my son but don't want him thinking I set a good example. The last thing I want is for him to end up like me. Mrs K thinks it's OK for me not to be earning much as her mother stayed at home when she was young but I've come to realise the world views me as some kind of freeloader.

satchmo1 wrote: »

Alex, I'm probably going to mix all kinds of metaphors now...

Have you heard about feeding the wolves? There are two wolves and only enough food for one. If you feed the dark (bad) wolf it will thrive and grow stronger. If you feed the light (good) wolf it will thrive and grow stronger. The bad wolf has rushed in and eaten all the day's food and is strong and dark and the good wolf can't get near. I hope today you can find some food for the good wolf.

I hope you are able to go to the castle with your lovely wife and son.

Well done on all the progress you've made with debt, drinking and self-harming. May you find the strength to fight the darkness that overwhelmed you yesterday.

Thank you for sharing how you feel with us, I hope you draw strength from the support this thread offers. It has helped me when I've felt mad/sad/bad/hopeless/helpless.

Thank you, Satchmo.

I've heard about the wolves before and agree, I've been feeding the dark one far too much lately. Unfortunately, I don't have any sense of self worth anymore. I just keep going for my family and don't want to burden them with my problems.

Honey_Bear wrote: »

Sorry I can't offer any advice on cutting down, Piggles. I didn't want you to think I was ignoring your post but I couldn't cut down successfully, and I gave it my best shot for years. It's difficult. I take my hat off to Maman, because I know she's managing it very nicely thank you.

Alex, I can't tell you how much I wanted to give you a huge (((hug))) reading your heartfelt post. Everything that everyone else has said is true, and you've obviously moved mountains to get from where you were to where you are, so there's something else I wanted to add.

It didn't take a day, a week, a month, or even a year to get from the idealistic person you were and thought you'd grow up to be, or into as you matured. It probably took more than a decade. Turning our lives around takes less time because we're committed to it but it takes a while. Think about a juggernaut going down the motorway at 70 or 80 mph - it takes quite a while after the driver has decided to put the brakes on to get the thing to slow down and eventually come to a stop. Metaphorically, you're trying to reverse as well! You've shown both yourself and everyone who cares about you that you can do this, but we all get disheartened when we're not 100% where we want to be after a lot of hard work. The important thing to remember is that:
Everything feels like failure in the middle;
if it doesn't feel like failure -
you're not in the middle.

What you're experiencing, unpleasant and uncomfortable though it is, is absolutely normal. Talk to your counsellor about this and see if there's anything else you can add into your personal programme to give yourself a boost. I promise you, if you stick with this course, you will succeed.

And, you may not think you're marvellous yet, but your son does and he will never feel the way he feels about you for anyone else. I'm glad you've got him and he's got you.

17/31 please, Shaggy.

Honey, thank you. I hope and pray you're right. Not really sure how much more of this I can take, to be honest.

I will speak to my counsellor next week, got better with trying to get the most out of counselling and not just getting upset and avoiding questions.

Dizzy_Imp · 17 October 2015 at 9:58PM

AlexLK wrote: »

The last thing I want my son to do is to look to me as an example, certainly not a hero.

I'm sorry if my comment caused you upset, that really was not my intention at all. I wanted to highlight to you how much of a success you already are. I'm not sure I meant an example - rather the father your son loves unconditionally, because you're his dad.

maman wrote: »

Whether you intend to be a role model or not LittleK thinks you're wonderful. The fount of all knowledge and someone he adores spending time with. I'm sure he looks up to the rest of the family too for different reasons but his father is special to him.

Yes! Exactly this!

Honey_Bear wrote: »

And, you may not think you're marvellous yet, but your son does and he will never feel the way he feels about you for anyone else. I'm glad you've got him and he's got you.

Me too x

16/22 for me please Shaggy.

AlexLK · 18 October 2015 at 12:16AM

Dizzy_Imp wrote: »

I'm sorry if my comment caused you upset, that really was not my intention at all. I wanted to highlight to you how much of a success you already are. I'm not sure I meant an example - rather the father your son loves unconditionally, because you're his dad.

No need to apologise at all.

I always put my son first, have looked after him since birth and am honoured to have been there to see all his milestones thus far. I know I've been there so much more than most fathers, yet others judge me because I want to be there and as a result of looking after my son I don't earn much money. Nobody would look down on my wife had she been in my position, though. I suppose it's also my fault I had a mental breakdown before he was born and couldn't work for a couple of years. My wife loves her job and whilst she's getting a lot better with our son, never enjoyed being a mother until very recently, suppose that's my fault in the eyes of others too. The only people that seem to understand are my wife and my parents.

To be honest, I'd love to think myself worthy enough to be my son's hero. However, I do not think myself worthy of such an accolade because I'm just his Dad.

maman · 18 October 2015 at 12:53AM

piggles1 wrote: »

thanks maman

I'm curious, if I may ask, how long did it take when you cut down from 10 bottles a week to 3? I found the first jump from 8 bottles a week down to 6 reasonably painless but I was doing it gradually.

I have to confess that my main motivation for cutting down was to lose weight:o. It probably sounds horribly lightweight (no pun intended;)) alongside people who do it for health and/or financial reasons but cutting calories is what motivates me.

My target was to just drink at weekends (I do make exceptions now for special occasions and holidays) so I basically went 'cold turkey' on weeknights right from the start. Mondays weren't so bad as I go to a dance class in the evening so that got me off to a good start but at first I spent a lot of time thinking about the fact I wouldn't be having wine and having to constantly have a drink of some sort (usually water) in my hand every evening. It wasn't easy but as the weight came off it got easier and now it rarely bothers me at all. I can't remember how long it took but I lost the weight I wanted in 10 months so it was somewhere along the way there.

I did think that maybe that when the weekends came I'd just go mad and play catch up but I've found my tolerance has dropped over time and so now I drink moderately even on planned drinking days.

I'm a bit of a night owl and I don't sleep well. When I started I used to post on here last thing at night because I couldn't trust myself to declare an AF day any earlier. There's something about this thread that makes me (us?) feel accountable even though it's not judgemental in any way. So the later it got in the day the more I felt I'd be wasting an AF day if I had a drink.

Sorry, a bit of an essay but I hope the thread can work for you:).

The Giving Up/ Cutting Down alcohol support thread - number 13

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