Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time.

Science? Aren't those kind of teachers rare? Can't you get an extra payment for this?!
Want to swap? I'm in EYFS

He's definitely angry about your debts, but perhaps needs more time to calm down. When he sees that you are serious about taking control and paying it back yourself, then hopefully he will feel more relaxed.

Depression is a serious issue, but he may be letting off steam and saying things he doesn't really mean because he is annoyed.

Your husband is being a !!!!. I think it's important your hear that, and hold on to it. Depression also likes to lie and exaggerate, and the last thing you need right now is an external voice reinforcing your mental illness rather than supporting you in fighting it. You know it's coming from a place of hurt and maybe you can forgive him for what he's saying, but focus on a bit of self preservation right now.

If he's going to accuse you of lying, there's no point in showing him how you're paying down the debts. You know you're doing the right thing, and you're doing it for your sake, not his. When he's being reasonable, then reward him by showing him your budget plan and the impact your hard work is having.

alibat wrote: »

OK. First day of work went fine. I've worked there a lot in the past, and found out that the department have been asking for me almost since the start of term but the mangers tried holding on as long as long as possible to save money. Felt much happier working, and it took my mind off things.

Still not really made much headway with OH. On the one hand, when we are not discussing the debt we are pretty much back to normal in the way he is speaking to me. However, when I brought the topic up last night, he said things that I know aren't true but I am in no position to argue with him. It's something he does a lot, exaggerates to make things out to be worse than they are. He kept asking how I got the cards and run up such huge debts, saying I must have lied on the application forms (I didn't, I told him I was still in contracted work when they were taken out). He said I only needed to miss one payment before the bailiffs came round and cleared the house out and I could go to jail. I know these are not true, but I felt even worse. I've not mentioned depression to him, but he did say he didn't want to hear any bull***t about being ill either. Still a long way to go then

If your OH says stuff that you know isn't true, simply and calmly tell him that you know that this isn't the case. If he says you must have lied on the application form say "Of course I didn't, and I'm very upset that you would think that of me". On stuff about Bailiffs etc then explain to him that this isn't the case but you know a lot of people do believe that - and then direct him to look at the sites that you know give the correct information so he can understand how the situation works "as I hate to think of you being worried that things like that could happen when it simply isn't the case...". Above all though keep it calm and measured. Try to use phrases like "that comment makes me feel...." rather than "You are making me feel" as it makes it less personal and means it's more difficult for him to say you're attacking him or being defensive. Also remember that if you're saying how something is making you FEEL - if he tells you that you;'re wrong, you can explain that no, you know how you feel - and that you're being honest about those feelings.

You know and I know that he doesn't believe the things he's saying and that he's saying them because he's hurtful and angry - you can't change that but you can adjust the way you react to them.

Glad work is going well - keep on keeping on!