Free guide from Refuge for women experiencing domestic violence
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Butterflymind wrote: »Dear mse'ers
I apologise if I am not posting this in the right place. Please re-direct if not...
I have been going through a lot of bad things recently, but, in my introductory counselling session, a therapist shocked me by saying I was being abused by my husband.
I feel weird, bewildered, all sorts of things, but, although some things rang a bell with me, I thought I was far from being a beaten wife... She pointed out it was emotional abuse, and could I recognise it as such. I couldn't get my head round it.
However, this weekend, on another downer. I had worked hard on cleaning and laundering this week, and felt I was coming more out of depression, but, because I made mistakes with shopping (i bought dvd's we already had, and didn't spot that some things had gone off), my husband said that he would have to organise and do the shopping instead. I felt really upset. I felt a total failure and really low. Found myself binge eating chocolate and had horrible nights sleep.
I also thought back to start of depression and struggled all day to even write a shopping list - why didn't he help me then? And this lead to other thoughts. Why didn't he take responsibility for all the drugs in the house when I asked him to? After I told him I wanted to over-dose? And why did he also make a point of 'accidentally' showing me an unknown woman's name on his mobile, claim it was an office girl, when we both know who works at his place (small firm), so I felt utterly worthless, unloveable, etc...
Confused. He's being so nice to me that I feel a real bad person for even typing this. Yet then I also think about getting our rescue dog - to cheer up my situation, and how he reacted (because I said I needed to use ladies, he fired up and said he wasn't going to stand in reception waiting for me, I was to go first, hand in adoption form, then fetch him from car. He waited till I was at the boot before he got out, it was humiliating, but, I thought if I didn't do as he asked he would change his mind, ad I couldn't get our dog).
Yet he is good in so many ways, helps with housework, doesn't smoke, womanise, spend all night in pubs, etc. Wants to be there 24/7, etc. My head is all over the place right now and I am feeling scared of doing anything. I am losing my job (redundancy)., he has pressured me to have a joint account together (we had separate ones when we split before because of his jealousy). I don't know whether I am coming or going....
Feel like I am imagining it all, as have talked to work colleagues in past, but, when they meet him, he is shy, polite, charming, no-one ever sees how he can be at times. He now even denies he was ever jealous, even though we went to Relate about this? Am I going mad?
BM
It's part of the game 'be nice to you when you are strong', to create doubts. In doubting you become weaker and the abuse will start again.
Google ' signs of an abuser' mental and emotional abuse can be more subtle, yet more devastating.
Take care ...
You deserve to be loved - even to be allowed to love yourself.
Depression - is your body and mind's way of telling you your needs are not being met.
It's your responsibility to get your needs met - start looking in the right places for it first. Clue - it's not him....:
Well done for going to therapy !!! :T
First step ...0 -
I know of someone who was experiencing domestic violence. They were in the UK on a work permit and the only options they had were to either go back to their country or to put up with it.
They were not allowed a place in a shelter as they had 'no recourse to public funds'. They could not afford the deposit on a new place for herself and the children as the husband controlled the money even though she worked in a professional job. A year after approaching the shelters she had squirreled away enough for a deposit and could move out.0 -
I know of someone who was experiencing domestic violence. They were in the UK on a work permit and the only options they had were to either go back to their country or to put up with it.
They were not allowed a place in a shelter as they had 'no recourse to public funds'. They could not afford the deposit on a new place for herself and the children as the husband controlled the money even though she worked in a professional job. A year after approaching the shelters she had squirreled away enough for a deposit and could move out.
Awful
................................. 0 -
Domestic violence is not 50/50, you are not well informed.
The day deaths and serious injuries due to domestic violence are 50/50 then we can say it's a problem that effects men and women equally.0 -
Non-Battering or Low-Battering Abuse
With rare exceptions, primary aggressors try to avoid anything like traditionally-defined violence, which in these pages is referred to as battering. Survivors understandably share this goal, and overwhelmingly, they back down and submit if the primary aggressor escalates.
For this reason, a low battering abusive relationship is usually a testament to survivor resourcefulness, not an indication of respect and freedom. A relationship with no or little battering is the rule not the exception in domestic abuse, and that is true as well even for abusive relationships that eventually end in murder. Low battering alone is not a sign of low lethality.
There is also a common pattern of abuse termed 'water-torture.' With this, a highly self-controlled primary aggressor keeps up a steady drip of small but demeaning and crazy-making power behaviors at low volume. Often it is the survivor that loses composure and acts out. The primary aggressor than believes he can either 'restrain' the survivor quite harshly, 'in self-defense', or claim that the survivor is the aggressor, and the only one who is hitting (which is only superficially true).
The statement " I never touched her..." is rarely absolutely true. However, it does accurately reflect a secondary goal of most primary aggressors to never use battering. But also the statement "I never touched her..." is not central to the intervention in domestic abuse. Who is battering whom is important, but even more important, is who is controlling or limiting whom, because it is that that drives escalation and ultimate lethality.
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html0 -
Thanks for the post!!Hopefully this information will prove helpful.0
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The defining point of abuse is when the man starts to exercise
power over the woman in a way that causes harm to her
and privileged status for him” (p. 124).
I recommend that you read through if you are wondering "Is it really abuse?"
http://www.the-ripple-effect.info/pdf/isitreallyabuse.pdf0 -
From.... http://lundybancroft.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/avoiding-people-when-you-go-back-to-him.html
Today I am going to describe a pattern that sometimes plays out with when a woman is struggling with a partner who doesn’t treat her right. If it sounds familiar, you’ll find it helpful to recognize it and not let it happen again. And if you haven’t lived this one, you can think ahead about how to make sure you never do.
It goes like this: First, you find yourself mired in one of those periods when he is just being rotten to you day after day, and you feel like you just can’t take it anymore. You rant to some of your closest people about what a jerk he is, and they are right behind you on it. You say you’re done with him, and they cheer you on to give him the boot, helping you to plan how you’ll do it. You’re all a team.
But over a period of days or weeks you are feeling less and less sure. The thought of ending your relationship starts to feel overwhelming, and the loss seems too great. He senses that you are leaning toward the door – or you tell him outright – and he improves his behavior some and promises to make bigger changes. The upshot is that you are going to give it another try.
Now comes the tricky part. You’ve been bonding with loved ones about how awful he is, so how do you explain to them that you’re staying?
And something else starts to happen, which is that the crisis of your relationship almost coming apart makes you and your partner feel closer. He’s being sweet, and you’re feeling a little resentful towards people around you for being so negative about him. You tell yourself that they don’t really understand him, or you for that matter; in fact, you feel like he’s the only person who really gets you.
So now you and he have become a secret society, a special team together against that hostile, non-comprehending world out there. You have a deep connection with each other that they just can’t grasp.
In short, you have two reasons to keep them all away; you are a little ashamed in front of them, but at the same time you are feeling that you and your partner are a little bit above them.
But what is really happening is that you are growing more traumatized and more isolated. Your partner is drawing you into a traumatic bond, and leading you away from your support system. Your secret society is not a healthy place to be. It’s an illusion, and a destructive one.
Your people love you. Don’t cut them out. Whatever you decide about how to handle your relationship, keep reaching back toward the hands that are reaching out to you.
“I can’t ever let my partner come between me and my people. I have to see this for what it is.”0 -
You can do it!
I hope it is okay to post this here - I've read it in a local paper, and thought it might give some people courage to leave a violent relationship - see http://www.echo-news.co.uk/news/11330148.Domestic_abuse_survivor_tells_her_story/?ref=var_00 -
News that Clare's Law has now been extended throughout Scotland, (I think it's in place in the rest of the UK, perhaps someone could clarify? More info here and there are also link's with help & advice http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-33340728Booo!!!0
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