Help! I can't stop spending

Karen777 · 22 August 2014 at 10:29AM

hello. I would spend some time examining those feelings if I were you. If you are worried about people thinking you can't afford things now, think how much worse it will be when you are maxed out on cards and up to your eyeballs in debt and literally have no available funds to do anything. Is your life a bit duller than you would like it to be? Find some excitement or challenge that will not cost your future self dearly. You are choosing to cause yourself danger/ stress and that needs thinking about quite carefully. You have identified the euphoria from spending - that's addiction right there. Spend some time reflecting on this and get help if you can. And cut off your options in the meantime. It will take all the willpower you have but just do it.

silentkiller · 22 August 2014 at 11:35AM

Susie - I was in the exact same position. Cut your cards up immediately - that's the only way to stop you spending on them. If you can't do that, go into debt management as that forces you to stop using them.

I also agree that you need to examine why you're spending so much. For me it's because I have BPD and excessive shopping is a symptom. It's not an excuse but it helps to know what's happening.

sourcrates · 22 August 2014 at 1:40PM

I agree, cut the cards up, pay off the balances, and close the accounts.
You HAVE to be disciplined to live within your means, but its something you must do if you ever are to break the cycle.

xbethanyx · 22 August 2014 at 1:53PM

your title was exactly me... I would buy complete rubbish. My husbun always said to me "what s***e are you buying now". The only way was to cut up my cards and more importantly, delete things like payal or other things that have your card details stored. I was a fiend for sneakily using a photo of my credit card to pay for things!! If you cannot cut up, give your card to someone and agree on them giving you an amount each week from it.

cavework · 22 August 2014 at 6:10PM

Oh love this was me in the 1980's . If I wanted something I had to have it there and then and NEW. The friendly sales people and helpful banks were more than happy to help.

The way forward is to replace the buzz you get for all of 30 mins when you buy something shiny and new and on credit with the buzz you can and will get from having the disposable income available to really find a bargain .
This means that you plan for what you want, save and sell things you don't want to go towards it, but you pay in full with no nasty interest rates or agreements that will last longer than the product you have bought.
You can often get really fantastic deals on second hand goods of a higher quality than you could afford new even on credit, these are often sold by people in the exact position as you who have paid a fortune and lost 50% of the value the minute it left the shop
Trust me , the buzz you will get from doing it this way will stay with you for the full life of this type of bargain and the best bit is .. I'TS PAID FOR ..it belongs to you
Good luck
xx

katsu · 22 August 2014 at 8:04PM

Hey Susie,

we are all here to help you

Would it help to maybe look at what you bought last month and see if you can find the themes/reasons/circumstances in which you were spending and then what you could do instead, or ways to do it cheaper?

Kate_fixing_it · 23 August 2014 at 7:04AM

I can understand your actions. It took me a very long time to open my eyes to my own similar behaviour. We all want to project a certain image out to the world. We certainly don't want to appear to be a failure and this is where the taboo nature of debt gets its hold on us. We don't want anyone to know we're accumulating it so we spend to disguise it but we create more debt

There's no magic cure. It's taken me at least 6 months to get my head around budgets and need vs want. The first time I walked away from an unnecessary spend I felt awful but after a short while I felt elated - bit like "shopper's remorse" in reverse, I'm sure you know the feeling where it feels good when you buy and shortly after you get the item home you regret it.

The other thing that really opened my eyes was realising that I don't care what the people around me are buying. It has no effect on my life if my friend has a new dress/bag/shoes/etc, in fact I don't know what most people already have at home so most of the time I don't know if things I see are new. Then the lightning strike happened - if I don't care about their purchases do they care about mine? NO!!! Once that reality sank in I found that I cared less and less about the opinions of others (if they even have one) and then the final strike - can these people around me actually afford all they are spending without credit? Probably not. They don't know my financial situation and I don't know theirs. They may well be rolling in spare cash but it doesn't impact me and it's none of my business.

Once all this took root in my brain I found not spending so much easier. My home is less cluttered. I sold almost all the impulse buys unless they were things I truly liked and used (I did not NEED 18 designer handbags, I now have 3 that I really like and the other 15 paid for last Christmas for 4 kids).

Yesterday I received my annual bonus. Last year I blew the lot in a couple of days (and more) this year I planned a trip for my kids and paid off one debt. I can't tell you what it went on last year but for decades to come I'll remember my kids' faces when they realised they were in London for the first time and the weight of the debt on my shoulders has reduced.

I suspect this will hit a chord with a few people. I hope by telling you this (and baring my inner thoughts for the world - which is quite scary in itself) I've helped a little. You are not alone in waking up wondering where the hell did my money go. I quickly realised after all this that the people I was trying to "keep up" with don't care about it and in all honesty I don't really like those people that do care. There's more to life than possessions and I can honestly tell you my life is better now I'm free of the constant spending.

So no constructive advice from me on how to stop (you already know that part) just a few things to think about from a former spender.

Kate x

VanyaHargreeves · 23 August 2014 at 11:24AM

If you're terrified of cutting up your credit cards, an alternative could be to wrap them (separately) in cling film so the numbers are obscured, and then freeze them in a big block of ice (or even better, something unpleasant to defrost...juice?). Stick them right in the back of the freezer, behind all of the nasty frozen veg that's been lingering for ages. Delete all of the details off of the auto-fill web pages, amazon, etc.

This way, if you desperately need them, you will have them. But you won't go there unless you reaaaaaally need them.

VanyaHargreeves · 23 August 2014 at 11:34AM

susieq87 wrote: »

.

i am trying to think if there is some deep rooted issue that i might be dealing with but i dont know. i think its more of a pride thing that i dont want people to think that i cannot afford (this applies to nights out etc) and probably boredom because online shopping is so damned easy. sometimes i dont need or want anything so i will end up buying things for friends and family that i know they'll like just so that i can spend. theres a euphoria that comes when i spend money and i dont understand it

I'm exactly the same as you. I have a spending problem. I LOVE bargains but I will often view something as a bargain when other people can see it's a total waste of money. Once, I bought a graphic calculator for £50 (normal price £250). I don't have any use for it, and have never actually used it. I don't even know where it is now.

I know the euphoria you're talking about when you spend money. It sounds ridiculous because this can be solved with self control...but self control is apparently something I lack.

This is something I struggle with, but I have developed a way to help myself with it.

My main bank is Natwest, where all my money comes in and goes out. However, I've opened at Nationwide account, where most of my money gets put into. I leave just enough for all my direct debits + £50 for anything else (including food + household items) per month. This way, I'm perpetually "skint", sort of hanging on by the skin of my teeth, but I know that I have that safety net if I really, really need it. But most of the time I just look at the sad little balance on my Natwest account, and forget about the Nationwide account - out of sight, out of mind. I normally do another transfer of £50 halfway through the month to get me through. It may be for you that you'll need more than this initially, but once you get into the habit it's sort of fun to see how little you can live off for a while.

This takes a little bit of practice too - but it helps if you set up your direct debits all on the same day, preferably payday. You can ring them up to change it.

Another thing I've found really helps me when it comes to shopping, is to do other peoples' shopping! I started doing this when I realised that it's the actual buying of the things that makes me happy, not the HAVING things. At my worst, I used to go shopping every day, and the things would rarely even make it out of the shopping bags.

You don't get quite so much of a kick out of it, but you get something, and most of the time your family/friends will be SO grateful for you doing the grocery run, or other mundane shopping tasks that they don't fancy doing. Win-win!

BigAunty · 23 August 2014 at 3:57PM

One of my friends appears to be a compulsive spender and hoarder of consumer goods and services. She is currently a high state of distress because she is moving house.

The act of clearing her loft of around 35 years worth of belongings is something that she cannot cope with, even with the support of friends and family, so she had a meltdown. To be frank, her attic was full of unused goods, fads and c*rap. She has been having counselling for anxiety and depression for sometime.

As far as I can see, the hoarding and spending is the result of unhappiness and psychological problems. She is trying to fill a void with treats and gets a thrill when she purchases things. Unfortunately, it's an ultimately empty activity - the thrill evaporates and the high of consumerism is then replaced with a low so there's no emotional balance.

She showers people with gifts and tries to pick up the tab everytime. I've tried to ban her from turning up at my house with expensive gifts when I invite her round for dinner or coffee. It's not unusual for her to turn up with extremely expensive chocolates, AND a luxury bunch of flowers AND a really dear bottle of wine. I keep imploring her to come empty handed but she just can't seem to do this.

It's horrible to see someone in a good job, with close friends and family, lovely house and car pretty much in a permanent state of suffering (and shopping).

So while I'm not saying you are on par with my pal, it might be worth considering if some kind of counselling or therapy might uncover the root of your spending habits. You see it as a lack of discipline, fair enough, and others will see it as a typical reaction to modern pressures that encourage consumerism, the way we are bombarded with lifestyle messages and are urged to continually replace and increase our possessions. But it might be worth considering if there is something more deepseated that is fuelling your craving to spend.

Help! I can't stop spending

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