Renovations and Repayments II: New Year, New Start, New Diary.

edinburgher wrote: »

I would also have managed that particular encounter somewhat differently, but my reaction would have featured expletives!

We know one family where there's an element of domineering parents/'generous' with strings and snippy comments, but they have had enough and are buying parents out of family house/cutting ties re. shared investments etc. It is causing them a lot of stress, but they want to be in a position where their finances are completely separate and they can tell parents to butt out.

There is no point offering help and/or generosity over the years if it will be held as a rod to beat you with.

Alex - if your Dad is effectively living in the past - is it because he doesn't have anything to focus on in the present? I know spending time with his son and grandchild should be enough to keep him occupied, but he needs something for himself. It sounds a bit like he domineered his way through several decades of money making, retired and sits around pining for the days when he was a 'big deal'...

There's just no point with my parents. Had either my wife or I reacted differently, it would only make my mother worse.

Could not imagine being in a position to buy my parents out in my wildest dreams. :eek: However, I think in some ways it would be better to have no business / financial ties. There are times I imagine what life would be like if I walked away completely.

My father's health isn't the best. He has good days and bad days. I think he probably does sit around pining for the old days, though I think there's a lot he'd change with hindsight having sat through hours upon hours with him sobbing about some of his choices. He blames himself for some of my problems in life and believes everyone apart from his wife hates him. I've recently tried to get him involved in a local history group but he won't go as he believes no one will want him there. Certainly wasn't like this a year or two ago but he got into his mind he destroyed me and that seems to have destroyed him. Another thing for me to be guilty about, I suppose.

LadyGnome wrote: »

Alex I think you might benefit from developing some standard responses to your parents especially your Mum.
e.g.
-You should be giving your son a decent education
- He is happy and learning well

-We sacrificed for your education
- We have chosen the approach that suits him best. He is happy and learning well.

Don't engage in a discussion
-You will waste your salary
- We will use it to meet our financial goals

- You are going to throw it away on a sports car
- We have financial goals we are working towards successfully.


You can't win the argument with your Mother because she doesn't want to or can't shift her view of you. However, it takes two to argue so if you disengage she doesn't get the feedback / reward and the springboard for her next comment. It just turns into a pointless monologue.

I honestly think this would make her more angry. :rotfl: My mother has become much worse since father is less willing to blame me for everything and started to question their actions. Don't know why he started to do this but almost wish he'd go back to being his old cantankerous self - things were easier that way.

daisy_1571 wrote: »

Great ideas here LadyGnome, I've said it before there is no winning with mother as she will always find a way to turn it against Alex. Let her do that all she wants but just don't let it get to you.

I personally would have stopped sharing stuff with her long ago, just being polite, talk about the weather, TV progs, music or other 'safe' subject but certainly not giving her ammunition - keep your plans etc to yourself and keep giving LGs inspired standard responses to any of her views. It's a shame, you may feel you are not sharing your life with her but frankly she has given up any right to be part of your hopes, plans and thoughts with her continued nastiness over many years. Don't let her keep bringing you down. Your father made his choice and he HAS to deal with her, you don't, you can limit the time she has to snipe by limiting contact. Whenever you do that your natural enthusiasm comes through in your posts, when you have been with her too much your posts get more bleak. See you father on his own, you seem more able to deal with his way of looking back.

Take care

Daisy

Ps is it only me who sometimes gets a vision of this household like Ronnie Corbett 's mum and dad in 'sorry' - sorry Alex :ono idea how far off the mark I am there but it sometimes comes into my head unbidden. I think Corbett 's mum would have been eaten alive by yours though :rotfl:

Things aren't so bad when keeping things to business. In fact, she's fine to work with but as soon as those discussions are over she snaps out of seeing me as a fellow director and starts to see me as her failure son. She is a completely different person with my father, always has been. Them against the rest of the world; he means everything to her. Would honestly do anything to see my son have a marriage like theirs.

Never seen Sorry, so haven't a clue, to be honest. :rotfl:

Thanks, karmacat. They seem to have an ability to draw me into their problems. Last night I was there until late and slept for about 2 hours which in turn negatively affects my mood / productivity etc.

Need to make some February goals, I think as financially this month has gone well.

Red squirrel, :rotfl: I couldn’t really do that but the thought is quite amusing.

Ed: no, my parents don’t have a stake in the house my wife and I own.

Re. Business. It’s not that simple. I’m a director of the company and am now the most involved. Every evening I spend at least a couple of hours sorting various things out and I suppose I feel I have my own stake in it now I’ve started taking on conversion projects and moving other things forward. I have a good relationship with the tenants. Perhaps end up doing silly things like working on houses the tenants have bought but I quite like to see them move on into their first (bought) house etc. Sometimes I want to run away from it, purely focus on my son and my new job for a bit and when the time is right start building something similar, no parental money involved. Prove I could make it, I suppose but I know that won’t happen in reality. As it sits my wife has a lot of experience to complete projects, I am gaining a lot of relevant experience in my new job also, being selfish I’ve decided we can use the money in the business my parents set up (reluctant to say parents’ business as I’ve put a lot of time into it recently and my wife and I are moving it forward).

No idea if any of that makes any sense, not very articulate today.