Money Moral Dilemma: Should I give my younger sister a smaller wedding gift?

SparksAlive · 9 September 2017 at 7:50AM

I think saying 'gosh £500 is a lot, I was happy with £50, just pay what you can afford' is missing the point. If this were the first weddding in the family then sure, OP could give what she wanted. But it's not, and she's set a precedent by giving a certain amount to the other sister. If you splash out when one gets married then cry finances when the other does, it'll cause hurt feelings. Even if it doesn't get talked about, I think the sister who gets less will wonder if she's less well liked, if she's offended OP, if they don't approve of her new husband and are sending a passive aggressive message by giving less.

OP, have your circumstances genuinely changed so much that you can't put money aside each month till the wedding to make up the gift? As someone else suggested, can you cut back in other areas (and it is temporary after all) to afford it? I think the brief lifestyle sacrifices are worth it for the sake of your family relationships.

If the answer really is no and you have no choice but to give less, you need to talk to your sister in advance and explain the situation. If you just give less and hope she doesn't notice, there's a good chance it'll cause hurt feelings.

P.S. And don't let her see you then splashing out on holidays or new clothes if you just gave her a speech about how tight things are!

moneyistooshorttomention · 10 September 2017 at 8:36AM

It's regrettable that you didnt think ahead at the time you gave out the first wedding gift - ie "What if we aren't doing so well and/or have decided to have children in the meantime?"

But, unfortunately, you didn't and you do have to treat the two of them equally. I would say that means = hand the second sister £500 as well, plus a little extra to allow for inflation in the intervening period.

You might still be deemed to be fair if you just hand over £500 without allowing for any inflation. But you will, most definitely, be deemed to be unfair if you give less than £500 to the second sister.

Sorry. Not the reply you want to hear - but that's the way it is to be fair. There might well be repercussions for the relationships within the family if you treat one less favourably than the other.

moneyistooshorttomention · 10 September 2017 at 8:45AM

tgroom57 wrote: »

Give what you can comfortably afford, and first dibs on your baby equipment. That should comfortably equate to £500 - and your sis needs to know that raising children can be expensive.

But the sister may have decided not to have children and/or not be able to afford to have children (so can't do so anyway) - so baby equipment would be valueless to her anyway.

Starrystarrynight1 · 10 September 2017 at 10:09AM

I'm gobsmacked at some of the answers on here! The 'OP' has not made a mistake in the past with the very generous gift, and is in no way obliged to match it now. Circumstances change. That's just life.

Give what can be comfortably afforded. It's the sentiment behind the gift that counts. I'd gracefully accept any gifts, and understand if someone couldn't afford it. If the sister moans, then I'd tell her not to be so downright shallow and greedy.

onlyroz · 10 September 2017 at 10:10AM

Does the second sister actually know that the first was given £500? Can other savings be made, e.g. not buying a new dress or shoes for the wedding, not attending any hen parties etc?

Emor49 · 10 September 2017 at 10:53AM

Whilst I've seen what is perceived to be favouritism tear families apart, if I were in your sister's shoes I would fully understand. I must also admit that the kind of sums you are talking are very generous for your sisters. However, to try and 'equalise' the gift, as well as giving a smaller amount of money, could you do anything creative to help towards the wedding, i.e. Wedding cake, making stationery, table decorations? You would save your younger sister more than the 'missing £250' in what she would pay for these kinds of services. Good luck with everything.

Torry_Quine · 10 September 2017 at 12:45PM

Starrystarrynight1 wrote: »

I'm gobsmacked at some of the answers on here! The 'OP' has not made a mistake in the past with the very generous gift, and is in no way obliged to match it now. Circumstances change. That's just life.

Give what can be comfortably afforded. It's the sentiment behind the gift that counts. I'd gracefully accept any gifts, and understand if someone couldn't afford it. If the sister moans, then I'd tell her not to be so downright shallow and greedy.

I'm with you. No way should someone have to give the same amount if they can't afford it.

Mojisola · 10 September 2017 at 1:17PM

Emor49 wrote: »

Whilst I've seen what is perceived to be favouritism tear families apart, if I were in your sister's shoes I would fully understand.

I'd be quite embarrassed if my sister spent more money than she could afford on my wedding present because she felt she had to match a previous present.

Our lives go through cycles and sometimes we have more money than at other times.

Out,_Vile_Jelly · 11 September 2017 at 11:14AM

I guess I'm hopelessly old-fashioned, but I find so much about modern weddings greedy and vulgar.

If you give cash or a voucher as a gift you shouldn't expect the recipient to be discussing the amount with others, so how would your sister even know what the other sister got previously?

Are we all now expected to keep spreadsheets detailing how much we spend on every gift, tracked against increased earnings and inflation?

Rags2riches · 11 September 2017 at 11:30AM

MSE_Sarah wrote: »

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...
A few years ago, my older sister got married - my husband and I were doing well so gave her £500 as a wedding gift. My younger sister is getting married later this year and we are not doing as well and also now have children. Have we set a precedent and should we give £500 again as a wedding gift or can we give less based on our circumstances?

I'd give only what I could afford, and explain the reasons why or buy her something as a gift she would really appreciate rather than giving her cash with a monetary value. It will mean far more to her if its personal.

Money Moral Dilemma: Should I give my younger sister a smaller wedding gift?

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