Struggling to break away from my ex
WickedWitch123
Posts: 240 Forumite
Hi all
As the title suggests, I feel like I'm trapped in a cycle with my ex. We've been divorced now for 5 years and have 2 children together (20 and 9). Our eldest decided when he left that she wanted nothing to do with him so in some ways that has been easier over the years.
My problem is that I constantly feel "bitter" towards him. He has a limited relationship with our 9 year old. He pays £125 a month child maintenance but refuses to help with anything else such as school uniform, trips or school holidays. I know the CSA say that this is his only requirement so there's nothing I can do about that. It's not the money - its the responsibility.
My question is though - how do I stop the resentment that I have towards him and move on? I've struggled so much over the years. You can see from past posts that I declared bankruptcy a few years ago but have managed to pull myself through the darkness of being abandoned by him and finally feel like my life is back on track.
How do you actually move on when you've got kids together?
WW
As the title suggests, I feel like I'm trapped in a cycle with my ex. We've been divorced now for 5 years and have 2 children together (20 and 9). Our eldest decided when he left that she wanted nothing to do with him so in some ways that has been easier over the years.
My problem is that I constantly feel "bitter" towards him. He has a limited relationship with our 9 year old. He pays £125 a month child maintenance but refuses to help with anything else such as school uniform, trips or school holidays. I know the CSA say that this is his only requirement so there's nothing I can do about that. It's not the money - its the responsibility.
My question is though - how do I stop the resentment that I have towards him and move on? I've struggled so much over the years. You can see from past posts that I declared bankruptcy a few years ago but have managed to pull myself through the darkness of being abandoned by him and finally feel like my life is back on track.
How do you actually move on when you've got kids together?
WW
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Comments
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Honestly I'm not sure you can - you will always be entangled in some way because of the kids.
It's just one of a handful of reasons why at 33 I'm fairly convinced I don't ever want children.0 -
I don't think it's healthy to keep thinking he abandoned you, that makes you into a victim. You are not a victim. Think what your success without him are. Don't expect anything from him and he won't disappoint.0
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Isn't the child maintenance supposed to help pay for stuff like school uniform etc?
It sounds like you don't 'have kids together', you have kids which are biologically yours and his. The benefits and enjoyment that you will get from your relationship are those which he will miss out on by not being in their lives and taking personal responsibility for. When your eldest gets married, who will be there by her side? You, not him (the youngest may yet go the same way). When they have children who will be there to enjoy grandchildren? You, not him.
You need to focus on what you have now and in the future. Look forward, not back.0 -
I don't think it's healthy to keep thinking he abandoned you, that makes you into a victim. You are not a victim. Think what your success without him are. Don't expect anything from him and he won't disappoint.
Yes I think you're right but how do you stop yourself?0 -
Isn't the child maintenance supposed to help pay for stuff like school uniform etc?
It sounds like you don't 'have kids together', you have kids which are biologically yours and his. The benefits and enjoyment that you will get from your relationship are those which he will miss out on by not being in their lives and taking personal responsibility for. When your eldest gets married, who will be there by her side? You, not him (the youngest may yet go the same way). When they have children who will be there to enjoy grandchildren? You, not him.
You need to focus on what you have now and in the future. Look forward, not back.
There's debate on both sides about what child maintenance is for but that's no really the issue - I think I use this as a bit of a stick to beat him.
I'm trying so hard to think positively like you have suggested - it's really good advice but I just keep slipping back into victim mode. I'm really proud of what I have achieved despite him but its hard to keep that positivity.0 -
Honestly I'm not sure you can - you will always be entangled in some way because of the kids.
It's just one of a handful of reasons why at 33 I'm fairly convinced I don't ever want children.
Yes I think you might be right which is a bit depressing.
Kids are wonderful but I respect everyone's decision. Sometimes I can see a life without kids lol.0 -
Well you don't, but you cope.WickedWitch123 wrote: »Hi all
As the title suggests, I feel like I'm trapped in a cycle with my ex. We've been divorced now for 5 years and have 2 children together (20 and 9). Our eldest decided when he left that she wanted nothing to do with him so in some ways that has been easier over the years.
My problem is that I constantly feel "bitter" towards him. He has a limited relationship with our 9 year old. He pays £125 a month child maintenance - is that the minimum or below? but refuses to help with anything else such as school uniform, trips or school holidays. - whilst I sympathise the amount is low, child maintenance is supposed to pay for this I know the CSA say that this is his only requirement so there's nothing I can do about that. It's not the money - its the responsibility. - Like you said, legally that's the amount. and presumably that's because he is on a low or limited income
My question is though - how do I stop the resentment that I have towards him and move on? - well that is nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. Once you stop apportioning blame and take control of your life it will come easier I've struggled so much over the years. You can see from past posts that I declared bankruptcy a few years ago but have managed to pull myself through the darkness of being abandoned by him and finally feel like my life is back on track.
How do you actually move on when you've got kids together?
WW
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do until children are both adults0 -
WickedWitch123 wrote: »There's debate on both sides about what child maintenance is for but that's no really the issue - I think I use this as a bit of a stick to beat him. - There may be debate, but only one is factually correct. That is that child maintenance is to cover ALL the responsibilities for the children of the NRP. You may like or wish there was more, but that is just what you'd like it to be.
I'm trying so hard to think positively like you have suggested - it's really good advice but I just keep slipping back into victim mode. I'm really proud of what I have achieved despite him but its hard to keep that positivity.
Do you think he 'has it easy'?0 -
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WickedWitch123 wrote: »Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate your bluntness because I know I need a kick up the bum and my friends are too polite to do it.
I don't know if he has it easy but following your logic, it has nothing to do with me.
Apologies I wasn't clear, it's not. But I just meant that the feelings of resentment may stem from the fact that raising children on your own is hard, so you may feel he has it easy (whether factually accurate or not is often not relevant)
Life is hard, and sometimes made harder by our own mistakes or the actions of others, but no-one said (or they shouldn't have done!) that it would be easy.
The more you concentrate your energy on him the more you will realise one day that you are old and your life has been wasted. That realisation may not come for 20 years, but is that what you want?
Two rules:
Do the things you HAVE to do
Do the things that make you HAPPY
Everything else, don't do it.
You have to work, or tidy, or cook, or whatever. But you don't have to even think about what he has or doesn't have, what he pays or doesn't pay.0
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