Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time.

Mnd · 13 September 2017 at 7:55PM

I would have thought that for your peace of mind, this discussion is more important than a leaving do

enthusiasticsaver · 14 September 2017 at 2:33AM

I think you need to set out a plan to show your husband how you intend to repay the debt. The money you will get from your mums house, the sale of the bike and monthly payments from your wages. Are any of the cards on 0% as this will help bring the balances down quicker?

I don't mean to be harsh but yes in your case unfortunately credit is something you find difficult to control so it is best you don't have loans/cards and deal mainly in cash.

Unfortunately remortgaging to repay the last lot of debt means you never really got to grips with budgeting and managing money. I strongly urge you not to let him do th at this time. For your future financial solvency you must learn coping strategies for yourself so you do not choose to spend when you are depressed.

copperclock · 14 September 2017 at 9:55AM

I'm not sure what my advice is, but I am feeling uncomfortable with the idea that, as a married couple, you know so little about each other's finances. Aside from your secret debt, it particularly worries me that he has secret savings and also that you don't know how much he earns. Does he earn quite a bit more than you, do you think? This kind of situation is ideal for creating a power imbalance.

Other things to think about:

If (hopefully not) you got divorced, how easily would he be able to hide assets from the court?

If he passed away would you be able to access money in the short term, and would you be able to take over the ongoing finances on a practical level? Does he have life insurance?

Does HE have secret debt?

Is HE spending money on something you don't know about?

Feel free to ignore me. I have probably been watching too many TV dramas, but it seems like your financial set-up as a couple isn't really working for you.

Filo25 · 14 September 2017 at 10:27AM

copperclock wrote: »

I'm not sure what my advice is, but I am feeling uncomfortable with the idea that, as a married couple, you know so little about each other's finances. Aside from your secret debt, it particularly worries me that he has secret savings and also that you don't know how much he earns. Does he earn quite a bit more than you, do you think? This kind of situation is ideal for creating a power imbalance.

Other things to think about:

If (hopefully not) you got divorced, how easily would he be able to hide assets from the court?

If he passed away would you be able to access money in the short term, and would you be able to take over the ongoing finances on a practical level? Does he have life insurance?

Does HE have secret debt?

Is HE spending money on something you don't know about?

Feel free to ignore me. I have probably been watching too many TV dramas, but it seems like your financial set-up as a couple isn't really working for you.

Me and my wife are relatively similar, in that we do have pretty much separate finances, we each pay certain bills and know as much or as little about each other's finances as we want to, she can spend her "spare" money on whatever she wants to and likewise I spend mine.

I've only gotten more involved in her finances recently as she wanted some help on sorting out her pensions (she's a private limited company contractor), but as long as she's working and earning good money then its her money to do with as she wants as far as I'm concerned!

Obviously if one of us lost our job, or was no longer financially self sufficient for some reason or another we would consolidate things and manage it as one joint budget.

I totally understand that looks odd to a lot of married couples though!

EssexHebridean · 14 September 2017 at 10:51AM

I can see both sides on this but, I wonder whether what has set alarm bells ringing on the OP's posts is the fact that she has previously asked for more information and it's not been volunteered. Every couple manages things slightly differently with finances, and that's fine, as long as it is an agreed way of doing things, and not "keeping secrets".

Filo25 · 14 September 2017 at 11:11AM

EssexHebridean wrote: »

I can see both sides on this but, I wonder whether what has set alarm bells ringing on the OP's posts is the fact that she has previously asked for more information and it's not been volunteered. Every couple manages things slightly differently with finances, and that's fine, as long as it is an agreed way of doing things, and not "keeping secrets".

A very fair point!

In regards to the original issue, I would only echo the advice given by others to the OP (which they appear to be following), come clean as soon as you can and offer up a solution to both how the money gets repaid and also how you both stop this from happening again.

copperclock · 14 September 2017 at 11:17AM

EssexHebridean wrote: »

I can see both sides on this but, I wonder whether what has set alarm bells ringing on the OP's posts is the fact that she has previously asked for more information and it's not been volunteered. Every couple manages things slightly differently with finances, and that's fine, as long as it is an agreed way of doing things, and not "keeping secrets".

Yes, exactly this. There is one thing having separate finances as a choice, but another thing having secret finances, and a further thing having requests for information denied.

alibat_2 · 14 September 2017 at 2:19PM

copperclock wrote: »

I'm not sure what my advice is, but I am feeling uncomfortable with the idea that, as a married couple, you know so little about each other's finances. Aside from your secret debt, it particularly worries me that he has secret savings and also that you don't know how much he earns. Does he earn quite a bit more than you, do you think? This kind of situation is ideal for creating a power imbalance.

Other things to think about:

If (hopefully not) you got divorced, how easily would he be able to hide assets from the court?

If he passed away would you be able to access money in the short term, and would you be able to take over the ongoing finances on a practical level? Does he have life insurance?

Does HE have secret debt?

Is HE spending money on something you don't know about?

Feel free to ignore me. I have probably been watching too many TV dramas, but it seems like your financial set-up as a couple isn't really working for you.

Yes, exactly. I've always wanted to be fully involved, I do believe it would have helped. I don't feel a full partner, and I want to be. My husband has always earned more than me, and in the last few years significantly so. When we first met, I was a postgraduate student (very skint, especially since my studies had been delayed due to a bike accident) and he was working. I have had a quick look at his paperwork to get an idea of his finances earlier.. He earns about 45K where I am on about 19k (was about 33K when cc's were taken out). He has no debt, pays his cards off every month. What came as a real shock to me this morning while having a nosey round was the amount he had tied up in investments. It is a considerable sum, I'd guessed he might have around 100K in savings and such, but if I said it is well over double that you will understand my shock. His main personal spends are on his bicycle. He is clearly very good with money, yet I just wish some of that would rub off on me and he would help me organise my finances. He is not tight however, and can be very generous, but always watches the pennies, a bit like my mum and dad were really.

He does have life insurance, and I do know most of his estate would be left to me, as we have joint wills (I also have life insurance, so he would be left with money and not debt if anything happened to me).

But one thing that does worry me, especially considering he's a cyclist (and diabetic), is if the worst happened to him, with stuff like electricity and gas coming out of his account, would I have access and could I manage in the immediate aftermath? Not something I like to think about. Could I even access his money to pay for a funeral? It was brought home to me this summer when he was run off the road by a car and injured.

Found some valuable records to sell I've had years (which is almost as big a wrench as my bike), and some other bits and bats to put on ebay. Rubbish selling stuff though, I always underestimate postage costs. Also started to get information together to write to banks / lenders about PPI

Found another job to apply for this morning, which if I got it, would be a more reliable income, even if not much more over the year. Also arranged to see an adult careers advisor too. I know I have the skills and qualifications to earn much more than I am, but I need some guidance,especially considering my medical issues.

Ok, I'll come clean. I have ankylosing spondylitis (inflammatory arthritis of the spine which also affects my hips, knees, shoulders, wrists and fingers), iritis and Crohn's disease. All as under control as they can be. And yes, several friends have pointed out to me I should have taken on my last employer on the grounds of disability discrimination, but it would have taken two years and I would have been unable to work in the meantime.

Planning on getting this over with tonight. My only issue is the time he will arrive home, as he will go from work directly to his leaving do. This needs a few hours set aside, not rushing at the end of the evening.

EssexHebridean · 14 September 2017 at 3:30PM

Are you still within time to challenge your previous employer over Constructive Dismissal?

Bluntly - in answer to would you have access to his money should he - for example, end up seriously ill or injured in hospital - no, you very likely wouldn't. As for things like paying for a funeral in the worst case scenario - this is paid for from the estate and would be dealt with once the estate had been settled - funeral directors are well used to waiting a long time for bills to be paid due to this.

Keep going with the selling stuff - being able to show that you are willing to make sacrifices to sort the situation out will definitely help. Also be very careful to treat the whole "wanting to know more about the finances" thing separate - else it could come across as though you're trying to say he has some of the blame for your debt. Personally I wouldn't even broach that in the same conversation.

DawnW · 14 September 2017 at 3:54PM

alibat wrote: »

Found some valuable records to sell I've had years (which is almost as big a wrench as my bike), and some other bits and bats to put on ebay. Rubbish selling stuff though, I always underestimate postage costs.

On postage costs, get a leaflet from the Post Office, it wll tell you exactly how much a parcel of a given size and weight costs to send via all the different services available. Put the item in its packaging, weigh and measure it. It is tedious to do, but will avoid under or over estimation. If the items are valuable you need to use a signed for service. If selling on ebay, try to target experienced ebayers (you can exclude certain categories of buyers such as those without a paypal account, for example, or those who have had unpaid cases opened against them (click on buyer requirements at the bottom of the page when listing). HTH.

Need to tell Husband about running up secret debt again 8 years after the first time.

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