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    • moggypants
    • By moggypants 15th Apr 12, 12:04 AM
    • 116Posts
    • 2,519Thanks
    Can my dependent 17 year old move out without parental permission?
    • #1
    • 15th Apr 12, 12:04 AM
    Can my dependent 17 year old move out without parental permission? 15th Apr 12 at 12:04 AM
    My 17 year step-daughter has tonight declared she wants to move in with her boyfriend and his family (which they have groomed her for for the past few months, and which we have dreaded for months).

    Can we legally object to this, as she doesn't have her parents permission, especially as she is dependent on us all (her Mum, Dad and myself), tax credits and child benefit are claimed as she is a full-time student.

    As you can imagine, we are all distraught.

    Please help someone - we're desperate! Thank you x
    Last edited by moggypants; 15-04-2012 at 12:13 AM.
Page 3
  • Racheldevon
    You mentioned earlier i a post about finding information online regarding runaways - it has been The Children's Society (A national Children's Charity) campaign for the last year so I wondered if this might be the site you couldn't find again
    • jetplane
    • By jetplane 15th Apr 12, 4:45 PM
    • 1,383 Posts
    • 3,337 Thanks
    I don't think the option is can you stop her going I think it's more important that you discuss her plans with her, including her plans for college, finances and her plans if it doesn't work out? She might see that if you're not against it she can wait until after her exams to move out. The last thing you need is for her to be stuck there because she doesn't want to lose face and for one of you to say 'told you so'. I don't know whether it's just her mum & dad who lay the law down but how many people does she have telling her what she should do?

    7 miles and a bus journey is miles away when your 17 and in love and I don't think 17 year olds realise the value of compromise. Is there a cultural issue why she will be preparing for motherhood and not carrying on with her studies? Our children don't always follow the path we would like them to and sometimes we can't protect them from themselves.

    I would not be taking the hard line if she is serious about this, I would be making it clear that I did not agree and although I was disappointed, that I would be there to support her. I would be making sure that I was involved with both him and his family that way I would still have contact and influence.
    The most potent weapon of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. Steve Biko
    • whitewing
    • By whitewing 15th Apr 12, 4:50 PM
    • 10,304 Posts
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    Why not make it into a big occasion?

    If she were going away to Uni or moving into a new flat, it would be emotional but exciting too. So why say that you and mum/stepdad (if there is a stepdad) want to have a meal at yours or in a restaurant with his family etc etc. You can even say, either before the meal or during, that you aren't overly happy at the situation but of course your daughter must make her own decisions.

    At the moment it sounds like you are all getting upset but no one is actually talking properly to each other. (I know it is difficult with teenagers). Do you think that bf's parents would let her move in if you all were against it? They may not know your opinion.
    When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
  • gibson123
    I think you need to accept its happening and go for damage limitation. Give her your blessing, a big hug and a frank discussion about financial supporrt, then let her fly the coop. You talk a lot about what she should do, but it seems to me that she has indeed decided what she is going to do and you and your partner are unhappy that she has deviated from what you previously thought she wanted and you agreed with. In all these situations from the first time on the bike without stabilisers to the first time moving in with a partner we can only let them go and hope they can pedal fast enough to stop falling over and having a nasty accident. If she's not ready she will need some-one to kiss it all better and clean up the mess, that's your partners job!
    • moggypants
    • By moggypants 15th Apr 12, 10:37 PM
    • 116 Posts
    • 2,519 Thanks
    Thanks all. Things have been resolved for the moment and she has decided she's staying at home. After a moment of reflection, and a chat, she has realised she's a little confused at the moment with the transition of moving into adulthood, yet still having immature needs and overwhelmed over changes that have happened over the past few years.

    Still, thank you for all your help - we may need to refer back to all this before long - but I hope not!
  • property.advert
    By 16 a child should be able to leave home and the parents should be able to let the child leave home. By mutual respect and some dependency, they don't have to move out but you can't control a 17 year old, telling them what to do and where to do it.
    • jellyhead
    • By jellyhead 16th Apr 12, 1:41 PM
    • 20,873 Posts
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    By 16 a child should be able to leave home and the parents should be able to let the child leave home. By mutual respect and some dependency, they don't have to move out but you can't control a 17 year old, telling them what to do and where to do it.
    Originally posted by property.advert
    It's natural for a parent to want to steer a 17 year old towards college and work rather than marriage and pregnancy though ... Glad things seem ok moggypants and that she's talked about it.
    52% tight
    • olibrofiz
    • By olibrofiz 16th Apr 12, 7:36 PM
    • 803 Posts
    • 1,219 Thanks
    Have been going through a similar thing OP over the last two months with my 17 year old DD.

    AFter wailing on here about her being unrealistic (at college, no job, no income) and wanting to move in with her bf I got some great advice. I decided that over the Easter break her bf could stay for the first week, and against my better judgement, they stay at his for the next week (he 'rents' a room in a house his parents own). Waved them off for the second week and they were back with me within 3 days. Think she has some inkling now that the grass isn't always greener.

    That's not to say the challenges are over. Maybe you could suggest your SD stay with her bf for a few days each week rather than move in completely.
    • moggypants
    • By moggypants 17th Apr 12, 10:45 AM
    • 116 Posts
    • 2,519 Thanks
    By 16 a child should be able to leave home and the parents should be able to let the child leave home. By mutual respect and some dependency, they don't have to move out but you can't control a 17 year old, telling them what to do and where to do it.
    Originally posted by property.advert
    Yes, by sixteen a child who is socially and emotionally secure should be - but lets be honest - how many sixteen year olds are? Plus, what kind of parent would honestly encourage that?

    We know you can't control a seventeen year old - hence our desperation in posting on here. But - you can expect a seventeen year old to be able to compromise, by giving and taking - not having a tantrum because they can't to do exactly as they please, when and where they please.

    If you can't expect a child/teenager to abide by simple rules in and around the home - especially after you've given some leeway - how can you expect them to abide by any rules - including common decency?
    • thatgirlsam
    • By thatgirlsam 17th Apr 12, 11:17 AM
    • 9,424 Posts
    • 27,310 Thanks
    I think a 17 year old can be made a 'Ward of Court'

    I left home at 16 to live with my boyfriend, my Mum was unhappy and worried about this, she knew it was pointless to try and stop me but applied to the court for me to be made a Ward of Court

    That meant that the court was responsible for me and really I couldn't make big, life changing (stupid) decisions without their approval
  • puddy
    You would only tell them when it is absolutely beyond any doubt that she will not return. So that would be when all of her possessions have been removed from the house. Immediately does not always mean next day as the Child Benefit rules say you can still claim for 8 weeks then advise the Child Benefit office and it will still remain in payment if that money is being spent on her. Continuing to claim Housing Benefit may cause an overpayment which may need to be repaid but it's not an offence if her stuff is still there to not notify if the mother claims her daughter still lives there and is just going through a phase of wanting to stay with her friend for a bit longer than would be expected. They do allow some leeway in notifying change of circumstances. In any case the mother can claim a discretionary housing payment due to the departure of one of her children and then she hands in notice on her property and claims HB at the old rate for another couple of months whilst looking for somewhere cheaper. If she had just started a fixed term tenancy on the expectation her daughter would be with her for the entire time then that can continue for 6 months. Yes you need to tell the truth but not immediately only whenever everything has settled down and everyone is absolutely sure that they have made a permanent choice. 8 weeks is about right.
    Originally posted by HappyMJ
    i dont know about children moving out of home at that age, but i know that when children are accommodated by SSD, the child benefit runs on with the parent for 6 weeks and then is cancelled. we get forms to fill in about the date of care. at least it was 6 weeks the last time i filled one in (about 3 years ago)
    • Beckyy
    • By Beckyy 17th Apr 12, 8:06 PM
    • 2,318 Posts
    • 3,795 Thanks
    I think keeping open communication with her is vital, whether she's decided to stay at home or not. She's well within her rights to move out, and battling to change her mind if she tried again may just cause havoc for your relationship. Make your opinions clear, but trying to force her to stay would just make her want to go more. If her boyfriend really is as bad as you suspect then the chances are their relationship won't last.

    Spend some quality time together and let her know that you're there for her no matter what.

    I moved out at 16, and moved quite a distance away. My parents made it clear that they didn't want me to, but supported me because they knew it was what I wanted and I had a good relationship with them. I found my feet quite easily and don't regret it at all, infact I'm much better off than a lot of my friends who are still living at home now.

    I'm not sure about child benefit now, but when I moved out my parents notified them straight away and they still paid it up until the next 'segment' of payments, which was the earliest it could be stopped. I believe - but I could be wrong!
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