How to support hubbys ex wife updated with the latest twist

poppyscorner · 11 October 2007 at 8:52PM

Now before I say any more what I am going to write is the facts as I see them now I have said that I want to ask your advice on a situation that is a little bit raw at the moment.

Basically my stepdaughter is 7 (8 in feb) and she is a jekyll and hyde apparently !
I say apparently because when she is with us she is most of the time a very pleasant young lady very polite well behaved etc and we would say her mum is doing a grand job she usually stays over at the weekend either friday or saturday and she will visit for her tea one night through the week.

However her mum has said that at home she is a completely different child she flies off the handle she shouts she screams she slams doors she says nobody loves her and she has very worryingly supposed to have said that she might as well be dead from a 7 yr old I find that very worrying indeed.

For a bit of background I have been with my husband for 6 and a half yrs we got together after their marriage broke down she was under one he has always had access but at first ex was hurt and a bit awkward and he only had 4 hrs a week with his daughter we have 2 sons together aged 4 and a half and 7 months.

At home she has her mum and her new husband they have been together about four years and have recently got married they also have a daughter together who is two yrs old and in the words of his ex wife "a very demanding child".

Although I dont personally know her new husband and my husband doesnt know him he seems to be OK and treats my step daughter well and we have no doubt he loves her she calls him dad she has done this for a while though step daughter says that she calls him that because mum says she has too ex denies it and says she just started doing it lately step daughter has said that she has too because her sister has started to call him his real name (copying off step daughter) Hope you are all still with me.

Although it hurts my husband that the situation is what it is he doesnt say anything about the dad thing and he leaves it to his daughter what she calls who not wanting to create a fuss.

So I was at work last night and our boys were out stepdaughter was dropped off by her mum who had a chat with hubby about step daughters behaviour (while she was not present) and told him what had happened at the weekend her saying she may as well be dead and asked him if he would have a word hubby did talk to her about it and stepdaughter says it is because her mum has let her stay at her nans house days and days in a row (they are very close always have been) and she had stayed at home a few nights and wanted to stay at nans again and mum said no because she wont sleep in her own bed at home which was where it started from.

Stepdaughter sleeps in her own bed at her nans and also here goes no problem and sleeps all night mum has always allowed her in the bed at her house with her husband there and also their daughter is in the bed and I dont think stepdaughter is taking too kindly to them now trying to kick her out of the bed.

I am doing my best here not to be critical but ex wife changes her mind for whatever suits her at the time and I dont think there are clear boundries but the big issue is the story the ex tells you is often very diferent to the one the daughter tells you who do you believe ? Ex is known for stretching the truth but I am not saying ex is lying either its just so hard ?

Now we have no problems or rather my husband has no problems with how his ex is raising their daughter in fact he is quite open about the fact that she is doing a good job and wants to be able to support her he does stand by her rules and no matter what he may feel personally he shows a united front with his ex so she knows that they are in it together so how do they overcome this nobody loves me thing does she really feel like that or is she sounding off and is it normal for a child her age to say what she said. I think my hubbys ex thinks he doesnt believe what she is like as she always says I was going to bring her to you so you could see for yourself but he doesnt dispute what she says he is just suprised as is his ex when she is good as gold here so where is the answer stepdaughter is loved very much by mum and dad myself and her stepfather no doubt.

What is the solution can anyone help?

Obviously we can control what happens here but have no say in what happens at their house (nor should we) but dont want ex to feel like she is on her own with it which I think she does feel as it only happens at home.

Thanks for any advice
Poppy

Sorry for the long post

Kimitatsu · 11 October 2007 at 9:07PM

poppyscorner wrote: »

Now before I say any more what I am going to write is the facts as I see them now I have said that I want to ask your advice on a situation that is a little bit raw at the moment.

Basically my stepdaughter is 7 (8 in feb) and she is a jekyll and hyde apparently !
I say apparently because when she is with us she is most of the time a very pleasant young lady very polite well behaved etc and we would say her mum is doing a grand job she usually stays over at the weekend either friday or saturday and she will visit for her tea one night through the week.

Sorry for the long post

Poppy I have an 8 and 10 year old and I had a similar(ish) situation where my darling little ones decided to play one off against the other! They would be complete angels for one and complete brats for another, and it would be a case of no-one loved them, clamming doors amateur dramatics the lot!

However once they realised that mum and dad (x4) actually talked to each other and talked about what was up it stopped pronto. It took us to have the conversation in front of the child and aske them their opinion but it soon put it to rest.

Its a perfectly normal part of growing up so please dont feel that it is a comment on parenting on either side, children dont like change and will test their boundaries daily, so if there is any sort of change they will kick against it.

hobo28 · 11 October 2007 at 10:48PM

I would say from reading your post that there are two issues.

1) DD is jealous of the new child and perhaps is playing up to get mum's attention. If the 2yr old is very demanding and getting attention as a result, it could be that your step-daughter has learned that in order to get mum's attention, she has to play up too.

2) The ex's lack of boundaries won't help as SD will not know where she stands.

Is there any way of finding out if mum is spending enough quality time with her? Since your hubby seems to get on ok with his ex, a subtle chat might help?

ailuro2 · 12 October 2007 at 5:48AM

Make it clear to your SD that you all love her, and that her mum and new OH do too.

Talk about other big kids sharing a bed with their parents-ask her if she thinks it's a good thing getting squished all night long.

And ask the ex if she feeds her anything different to you- if she is asking for help then she should be willing to share this info- my 8yo DD turns into a truly awful child when she has smarties, somerfield tomato soup, and I think, packet cheesecake.

Sola · 12 October 2007 at 6:01AM

We had a similar situation with my stepdaughter (except my older stepson backs up what the ex says about her behaviour). She did indeed play one set of parents off against the other, and quite candidly admitted she's good with us because we have clear boundaries; she knew what was acceptabler and what wasn't. At the moment she's a 13-year-old ball of rage all aimed at her mother (who has another 7 year-old son and is expecting another child); actually she's just being a typical teenager.

Food intolerances came into it too for us; DSD was diagnosed as coeliac at age 4 and we've all learned that coloured sweets and drinks send her absolutely potty (she went through a phase at 8 of being very excitable and biting people). She now manages her own eating and knows what sets her off.

I make sure she gets plenty of alone-time with her Dad when she's here (sometimes I skip off for the weekend with friends), and he does speak to his ex to sort out problems like this. She'll also seek me out for 'girly chats' which is fine; we go for long walks or sit in our bedroom drinking coffee and painting each other's nails. The big thing seems to be that her mother doesn't seem to accept that she's growing-up and isn't a little kid any more; the stepdaughter will also seek out my best female friend whom she treats like a big sister. I'd say your DSD could well be jealous of her step-siblings, and the bed situation isn't helping. You can't control what goes on in the ex's home; all you can do is make sure that yours is as consistent, as loving and as firm as necessary. No matter how great the temptation, don't talk the mother down to the stepdaughter.

The ex may well be feeling that she's failing; my DH's did, so my DH makes sure he praises her mothering skills (when she gets it right which is most of the time; by the same token she will discuss with us if she feels we get it wrong on occasion). Some mornings we get an early phonecall from the ex that the daughter won't do XYZ, and DH always tells her that she must abide by her mother's decision. We've done our best to make sure we've presented a united front for both children, and the result of that is an extremely mature and settled 18-year-old boy; the girl will get there too, but at the moment it's all hormonal and the rage is directed at her distracted mother. We're expecting a few fireworks and more weekend visits when the new baby is born in December.

KittyKate · 12 October 2007 at 6:51AM

I'd take an educated guess that the ex is very 'wrapped up' in her new family and probably not having much one on one time with your SD. When your SD comes to you she gets attention as she is not an everyday member of the household. So she acts good to get the praise and positivity she lacks at home, and plays up at home to get the attention she craves from her mum. Kids are very clever!

I agree with getting hubby's ex and him together for a little chat with their daughter about how they both love her lots and want her to be a good girl for them both. She will realise they actually do discuss her behaviour (and your hubby could back this up by saying to her 'you make me a very proud daddy when you are a good girl, so be a good girl for your mummy too' and he could make a point of asking her mum in front of her 'and has she been a good girl this week?').

It is vital though that the ex puts aside maybe 30 mins a day for real one on one time with each daughter - maybe doing something creative & kind like making christmas cards or the family's evening meal.

HTH & good luck x

poppyscorner · 12 October 2007 at 9:09AM

Thanks to you all for your advice.

They do talk and get on so to speak there is no hostility so the idea about them talking in front of her is a good one and I will suggest it to my DH.

He has told his daughter in their latest chat that he wants to hear that she has been good at home for her mum and that it would make him very proud if her mum told him at the weekend that she has been good.

I think that one of the problems is lack of quality time with her mum her other daughter by all accounts takes alot of her time she is two in December and she is violent towards my SD I do not live there so I don't know what the truth of it is but we have no reason to doubt the ex about it.

So how does DH suggest the quality time without sounding critical of his ex because it is likely that she will take offence.

Thanks again poppy x

Sola · 12 October 2007 at 12:08PM

Howabout 'Our daughter happened to mention she really enjoyed it the time just you and she did XYZ; she loves spending time alone with you as her Mum.'

Scarlett1 · 12 October 2007 at 12:32PM

poppyscorner wrote: »

So how does DH suggest the quality time without sounding critical

He dont, maybe re-wording it and saying to the ex that he 'thinks' that SD is playing up as she is feeling a little left out what with sharing mummy with another child who is taking up a lot of her time.

Could this all be down to getting a little spoilt when she is with you poppyscorner and expects the same when she is at home ?, its often the PWC that is damned when they do and damned if they dont, at that age they are very clever and my niece who is the same age has tried the same thing by going back and forth between my brother and his ex not realising that they both talk.

hobo28 · 12 October 2007 at 12:51PM

I don't think its a case of spoiling her when she's with her dad. After all, she's only getting to see them at weekends so its a case of making the most of the limited time.

I like Sola's suggestion. Very tactful. Perhaps I should learn some too!

Scarlett1 · 12 October 2007 at 2:12PM

surely then the SD would be playing up at poppyscorners house aswell then rather than just at her home with her mum where she has limited time cause of the other daughter

How to support hubbys ex wife updated with the latest twist

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