Mothers Day how do I cope ?

ktflosspot · 15 March 2007 at 5:08PM

Hi ,

I don't know how I am going to get through Sunday. My dd passed away last year unexpectedly in her sleep. I think about her everyday but I thought that I was doing okay again up till now.
I just don't want mothers day as it is making me really sad.
I am blessed to have two wonderful boys and a fantastic husband and I feel really selfish that I don't want any fuss made on Sunday.
Any ideas on how to get through it without upsetting the boys ?

missie8 · 15 March 2007 at 5:16PM

I think you have to look on the positives and see what you do have in your life rather than what you don't have. My Nan died 11 years ago and my mum still cries for her now. You will never get over losing somebody close but you have to focus on what you have which is a wonderful family.

Hope this helps. Take care. xx

Tomthumb · 15 March 2007 at 5:16PM

It must be hard for so many people who have lost loved ones on these occasions, it's still very early days for you, are you in touch with others in similar situations?

Acc72 · 15 March 2007 at 5:29PM

My advice would be that, you will always love and remember your daughter and it may take many years before you can think of her without crying.

I am not sure how to explain this, but as long as it does not affect the rest of your life in a negative way then this is good - you loved your daughter so why not think of her.

I would also say that you need to think of your daughter on mothers day (as difficult as this may be), but also set aside time with your sons and husband - just don't try to be too happy or let yourslef to be too sad - the day will be full of mixed emotions.

The only other thing is that as this is your first mothers day since your daughter passed away, do not feel as though you must not enjoy parts of the day with your sons - this does not mean that you love your daughter any less.

I would also try not to set a precedent - eg. if you do not acknowledge mothers day this year, then you are less likely to in the future (eg. you will say "I didn't do anything last year, so won't this year etc.).

From experience, I would use the day to be with your sons and also talk about your daughter - this will also help them to come to terms with your loss.

I wish you every strength for the future.

ktflosspot · 15 March 2007 at 5:29PM

Tomthumb wrote: »

It must be hard for so many people who have lost loved ones on these occasions, it's still very early days for you, are you in touch with others in similar situations?

I thought I would be okay to get through it on my own. I am starting to regret all the offers of help I turned down in the begining.
Everything seemed so surreal back then.
My family are all along way away and I knoew that they get upset too.
I sometimes think that I am getting everyone else through it but not myself.
I think now that I should maybe try and look for support groups and things but I know I am too afraid of breaking down and making a fool of myself to talk to people face to face.
Guess that sounds a bit silly!

bigpaws23 · 15 March 2007 at 5:38PM

(((HUGS))), I don't know what to suggest for you, but wanted to acknowledge your post and let you know I am thinking of you.

have you had bereavement counselling? A friend of mine found CRUISE to be a wonderful support. Their number is 0844 477 9400 and you can find your local branch on this webpage:
http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/find_branch.html

You remind me so much of a friend of mine - she makes sure everyone else is coping, but is not taking care of herself. The thing is, over time, she really is starting to feel it and is now breaking down. My only 'advise' would be that you give yourself time to go through the process withour judging yourself.

Ok, so you have children and a husband, but you have still had a huge loss that needs to be dealt with. it is not selfish to think of yourself and mourn the loss of your daughter for a while.

People *expect* you to be tearful and that is part of the healing process. Sometimes talking to a stranger is better because they do not feel the emotion that you do, so they are able to be more detached and so are you. You don't have to think 'are they ok?' because this is all about YOU and you can let yourself feel what needs to be felt.

I hope that you find inner peace soon

Bigpaws x

Justie · 15 March 2007 at 6:25PM

oh KT I really feel for you! Please do get in touch with Cruse as Bigpaws has suggested as grief counselling can be very helpful. The first of everything is always REALLY hard, first Christmas since loved one died, first birthday, first Mother's Day etc etc and one way of getting support is to tell your family how hard it is for you. You'll be amazed how much everyone will help you even if it's just crying with you...

In bereavement counselling there's a saying that it takes about 2 years to 'recover' from an expected death and 5 years for an unexpected/traumatic death. I'm found this to be pretty accurate - you NEVER get over it but you cry less and hurt less on a day to day level... They also say that the first 6 months is just getting used to the fact that it's happened and it's only after that that counselling or help is really effective (again it's a generalisation but largely true). Be kind to yourself and be honest with those around you. And do get help if you need it, I should have gone to the GP after my father died but I didn't and I was depressed for a long time when I could have been getting help.

My heart goes out to you. :grouphug:

looby75 · 15 March 2007 at 6:37PM

I can't really add to the good advice you have already had but I just wanted to send you a ((((((hug))))) and let you know I am thinking about you.

ktflosspot · 15 March 2007 at 6:37PM

Justie wrote: »

oh KT I really feel for you! Please do get in touch with Cruse as Bigpaws has suggested as grief counselling can be very helpful. The first of everything is always REALLY hard, first Christmas since loved one died, first birthday, first Mother's Day etc etc and one way of getting support is to tell your family how hard it is for you. You'll be amazed how much everyone will help you even if it's just crying with you...

In bereavement counselling there's a saying that it takes about 2 years to 'recover' from an expected death and 5 years for an unexpected/traumatic death. I'm found this to be pretty accurate - you NEVER get over it but you cry less and hurt less on a day to day level... They also say that the first 6 months is just getting used to the fact that it's happened and it's only after that that counselling or help is really effective (again it's a generalisation but largely true). Be kind to yourself and be honest with those around you. And do get help if you need it, I should have gone to the GP after my father died but I didn't and I was depressed for a long time when I could have been getting help.

My heart goes out to you. :grouphug:

U hit the nail on the head !
I think I should stop telling people that I am ok and tell them how I am relly feeling.
Thank you all for being so kind
I am going to try and get in touch with cruise tomorrow xxx

black-saturn · 15 March 2007 at 6:41PM

No advice to give other than hope you get through it OK. Your OP put a tear in my eye and that doesn't happen often. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

HariboJunkie · 15 March 2007 at 6:54PM

Lots of good advice here so not much to add other than to say that you could do something special to remember her on Sunday. You don't say what age your sons are but they may want to join you in doing something special. Just a walk to her favourite place or do something she loved. This may not be for you but it's a thought.
Contact the peeople who offered you support before and let them know you need it know. Good friends will be there in a flash.

We'll all be thinking of you on Sunday.

Mothers Day how do I cope ?

Comments

Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply

🚀 Getting Started

Categories

Is this how you want to be seen?

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free