alcoholic SIL fleecing elderly Mil

fsdss · 12 April 2006 at 11:15PM

my SIL has been an alcoholic for about 5 yrs, when sober she's absolutly lovely, but when on the demon drink she turns into a nasty person. over the last few years she has physically and emotionally abused other family members, stolen money, regulary drives whilst drunk (informed police on number of occasions, but they never catch her), slept with her sisters husband (causing split), met men through the internet for sex (and probably money to feed her addiction). lost her children. the Gp is powerless unless she requests help.
my oh and his siblings, and her children have now disowned her, refusing to have anything to do with to her because of her compulsive abuse / telephone calls / thefts and the BIL incident.

my elderly (72) MIL however feels as though she needs to help her, and takes her out every day to pre-occupy her, however we've noticed that my MIL is exhausted and is now having to work 3 days a week to finance her daughters addiction. MIL's house needs some essential work doing to it but she cant afford it "cos she needs to pay her daughters gas bill or she needs to pay her telephone bill" and seems to be forgetting that there are other family members who would like her company. we inturn would like to help MIL finacially however we have previously seen SIL taking advantage of MIL so what she would have spent on (say work to house) gives it to SIL to "help her out"

it appears that SIL , who is unemployed, is fleecing MIL for a few hundred every month, which she can ill afford to lose.

we need some advice on this, as we want to protect grandma, who is stubborn and feels committed to helping her. spoke to alcoholic advice for families helpline but MIL refuses to attend on the grounds that there will be "down and outs" there. she will not even go to the police about her - even when SIL threatened to stab her at the weekend because she couldn't find her stash of wine

at this rate MIL will be dead soon because of the stress that she's under, can anyone help with some good advice??

Somerset · 13 April 2006 at 12:58AM

fsdss, sorry to hear about your family problems. My cousin was a heroin addict from age 16 to late 40's. One brother tried to help him ( paid for rehab/bought furnishings etc ) but rest of his family were disgusted by his behaviour. His mother did exactly the same as your MIL and was the only person who supported him/lent him money/paid his rent/gave him a bed etc. She was his bedrock and he'd probably be dead now without her. He repaid her (while using) by stealing ,lying, threatening her with a knife, attacking her ... he was sectioned a few times after she called the police, absolutely scared witless by her own son. He's now clean for several years, works, has a partner and is happy.
I think she did the wrong thing. I think she should have let him face the consequences of his choices, that she 'enabled' him. Maybe that would have forced him to reach his 'bottom' earlier. Equally maybe he would be dead. I know that would have broken her - the guilt. But tbh she's pretty broken now. Even though he's clean and she's grateful for that, the worry/stress over those years have made her an old woman.
Everyone is aware that an alcoholic/addict has to want to change. It has to come from them not anyone else. Until your SIL reaches that point, she'll just keep doing the same thing over and over.
I've no answers. You probably know that alanon is the place for friends & family of alcoholics to go to get support and information. It helps them put the focus on themselves rather than the alcoholic. But then you said your MIL refuses to attend places like this ....... Maybe you could get a list of local Alanon meetings for her ( Alanon tel no in phonebooks ) and encourage her to try one. It's for friends & family - not alcoholics, so they'll be no down and outs there.
Whatever happens, all you can do is your best.

mandi · 13 April 2006 at 1:07AM

Fs,
the worst thing your mother in law can possibly do is "help" , however good her intentions are.. Speaking from experience, the BEST thing everyone can do is as you OH and siblings have done , and leave her to it.. Alchohol effects not just the user, but everone they come into contact with,and you can mop up, support, wipe their bums, but they wont stop unless they want to.. Sorry if this isnt the answer you wanted.. but believe me.. after years ,and years of doing what your MIL is doing now, for a relative of mine.. none of it worked

Mandi

jenniferpa · 13 April 2006 at 2:57AM

I think the single most important thing you could do is get your MIL to a support group for familys of alcoholics. Anything you or the rest of the family say is likely to be ignored, but an outsider - that's another kettle of fish, particularly if that person has been in a similar situation. If she won't go, I do suggest the rest of you go, as it can be extremely helpful. I fully understand why your MIL is doing this - she feels she couldn't live with the guilt if she didn't help her.

I'm assuming that no member of the family is prepared to stand up to this SIL, or that this has been ineffective. Generally, this sort of thing needs a united front. My own SIL died of a drug overdose so I can empathise. My MIL (or in fact the rest of us) had no idea she had a problem - my MIL cannot forgive herself.

Jennifer

fsdss · 13 April 2006 at 10:09AM

Somerset wrote:

You probably know that alanon is the place for friends & family of alcoholics to go to get support and information. It helps them put the focus on themselves rather than the alcoholic. But then you said your MIL refuses to attend places like this ....... Maybe you could get a list of local Alanon meetings for her ( Alanon tel no in phonebooks ) and encourage her to try one. It's for friends & family - not alcoholics, so they'll be no down and outs there.
Whatever happens, all you can do is your best.

thanks for your useful post, i have rang al anon a number of times, and with my other SIL (sober one) arranged for all the siblings to attend but MIL refuses, so we end up frustrated again. she believes that all SIL needs is a private drying out clinic, no doubt SIL has got a brochure with pricelist etc.

MIL did send her to a residential one last year but she lasted less than 24hours.

fsdss · 13 April 2006 at 10:17AM

mandi wrote:

Fs,
the worst thing your mother in law can possibly do is "help" , however good her intentions are.. Speaking from experience, the BEST thing everyone can do is as you OH and siblings have done , and leave her to it.. Alchohol effects not just the user, but everone they come into contact with,and you can mop up, support, wipe their bums, but they wont stop unless they want to.. Sorry if this isnt the answer you wanted.. but believe me.. after years ,and years of doing what your MIL is doing now, for a relative of mine.. none of it worked

Mandi

thanks mandi exactly my sentiments, and is what we and the other siblings are doing, but we know that she's taking my MIL for a lot of money, last week £700 was paid off her phonebill!!!, on the basis that she cant live alone without a phone, and also when she's drunk she doesn't know what she's doing.

it doesn't seem to matter to MIL that she has rung our house (amongst others) 39times in a drunken abusive state, during the night from 1.30 onwards, and when we changed the phone no, she got the new one from MIL

fsdss · 13 April 2006 at 10:22AM

jenniferpa wrote:

I'm assuming that no member of the family is prepared to stand up to this SIL, or that this has been ineffective. Generally, this sort of thing needs a united front.
Jennifer

SIL has been read the riot act, had the softly softly approach, warned that she may lose her children (which she did), spoken to when sober, gp telling her that her liver is damaged, all this has had no affect on her. now since November, has not had any contact with her siblings

catch22 · 13 April 2006 at 10:50AM

I'm an alcoholic, didn't drink everyday but once I had taken that first sip there was only one outcome. I have now been sip free over six years, would be back on it like a flash if I knew I could drink one or two glasses and then stop.

Anyway, woke up one morning and decided that was it, know one but know one could of come to that conclusion except myself. Your SIL might get there one day or she might not, perhaps she does not care either way about what her brother or anyone else thinks about her? Tell your MIL to leave her alone how ever hard it may be, she will hopefully come back when she is ready.

Destroying our own life is enough reason to have another drink.

Goodluck

margaretclare · 13 April 2006 at 11:02AM

As a woman of your MIL's generation (even though I don't consider myself to be elderly!!!) can I say that it's extremely difficult for a mother to do this kind of 'tough love' which is obviously needed here. Very difficult indeed! SIL is her daughter, she gave birth to her, has been 'there for her' over many years, and probably no one can convince MIL to take the route which is so glaringly obvious to everyone else.

I've known many people before who were warned of liver damage, you name it. I knew a man once who was warned that if he didn't stop drinking he'd be dead within 6 months. His wife and kids left him because of his drink-fuelled violence, and yes, he was dead within the time forecasted. I've known others...our present next-door neighbour too appears to be going down the same path.

Nothing gets through. As catch22 illustrates, the addiction is too strong. The addict just does not 'see' it. And unfortunately, this devoted mother sees it as her 'duty' to bail out her child.

I have no answers either. Just my sympathies, particularly for MIL. And when the inevitable happens - SIL dies of the effects of this addiction - MIL will be penniless by then but also racked with guilt about 'if I'd only done more'. She thinks she can mend the situation, and she can't - but she'll think it was all her fault!

Margaret Clare

Somerset · 13 April 2006 at 11:34AM

margaretclare wrote:

I have no answers either. Just my sympathies, particularly for MIL. And when the inevitable happens - SIL dies of the effects of this addiction - MIL will be penniless by then but also racked with guilt about 'if I'd only done more'. She thinks she can mend the situation, and she can't - but she'll think it was all her fault!
Margaret Clare

What Alanon is known for are the 3 C's.

You can't control it - you can't cure it - you didn't cause it.

Logically anyone would accept this - emotionally it is always tough.

jockettuk · 13 April 2006 at 11:37AM

my mother who i adored had similar problems with my sister not alcohol or drugs but abusing my mums hospitality. mum paid all her bills paid for her flat to be furnished and carperted through out and sis did a moonlight flit to another part of town to be with boyfriend. mum still paid her bills and when she had a child mum made excuses for her behaviour.. i would scream and shout at my mum when she was on the phone to me 300 miles away crying abt a £400 phone bill that she had just got that sis rang up. My mums answer to it all was .. SHE IS MY DAUGHTER AND IM HER MOTHER, she said i would understand when i had kids myself and in a way i suppose i do.. Thing is my mum got cancer and through all the stress etc never went to the doctors putting it down to all the hassles. when she did get to the doctors it was to late and she was dead within 6 months 3 months before my first daughter was born.. I trully believe my sis contributed to my mums death and that my daughter never got to see her granny.. but parents and children the bond no matter how bad it seems is to strong to break

alcoholic SIL fleecing elderly Mil

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