My Brave, Brave Boy

Just to let you know earlier this morning my little boy lost his brave battle and is now at peace.

Yesterday morning he was running a bit of a temperature and we agreed we would not treat this so got all family to come and say goodbye yesterday.
We were due to withdraw support but he decided to save us this agony and took matters into his own hands. I had planned to spend the weekend at the hospital with him in the room with him and we spent the night in a bed together. It was lovely being with him as we used to be. And when I got out of bed his arms reached out to see where I had gone and they came back out as soon as I got back in bed. So even though he was sedated he knew I was there.

Throughout the night his breathing was getting more laboured and we had agreed if he needed more support then it would be time to turn off the ventilator and let him go. So I called his dad who was staying elsewhere in the hospital to come down. I went back to be with my son and had about 5 minutes with him in my arms before he passed away. I am sure he knew I didnt want to share my last minutes with anyone and I will take comfort in the fact that the last thing he did for me was to save me the agony of making any decision or having anyone else there for his final breaths.

His dad came down shortly after and we both got to spend time with him, wash him and dress him and say goodbye properly.

I dont think it has hit me yet but I do know I feel some sort of release as I know he is in a better place and no longer suffering, and for me I am no longer living in limbo, constantly waiting for a call telling me I was too late to be with him in his final moments.

x