Funeral tips?

gundo · 16 May 2005 at 11:54PM

There's a sticky on here called Wedding Tips. I wondered if forum members had any tips for funerals? SO's father died recently and the funeral's this Thursday.

Mumstheword · 17 May 2005 at 8:17AM

Very hard for anyone to advise on the style of funeral etc, but a practical thing i would mention is this.
If you are having service/burial(or cremation)/wake in different places, be aware that there will be people there who don't know the area, and traffic lights etc will mean they lose the main flow of traffic from one place to the next. We lost some on the way to the cemetery from the church, and hadn't thought beforehand that that may happen (enough on our minds!). We were amazed after the fact that the funeral directors hadn't though tof this as it must happen all the time.
My advice would be to make a little map showing the route(s) and ask the minister to mention to the congregation that they are there for anyone who needs one.

gundo · 17 May 2005 at 8:59AM

Thanks for the tip. In actual fact it had occurred to us too as the funeral's in London and we don't live there ourselves. Did a map of the route from the church to cemetery and included it on the last page of the service booklet.

It's amazing how helpful the deceased friends and distant relatives have been, although at times it does sometimes feel a little like they're trying to take over.

margaretclare · 17 May 2005 at 10:20AM

Hi gundo

It helps enormously if you know what the deceased would have liked, what sort of funeral, because there's a lot out there now to choose from e.g. church service/no service, minister or vicar/humanist speaker. Whether to have a friend/relative speak a eulogy, whether to have poetry or readings that the deceased liked, flowers/donations to deceased's favourite charity in lieu of flowers, music/no music, all those kind of things.

This is a personal feeling but it comes out of past experiences: I think we should all of us leave details of what we would like when the time comes. It makes it so much easier, less decision-making at a time when the bereaved are least able to make choices and decisions, and there's a kind of comfort in feeling that you are carrying out the deceased's last wishes. All our nearest and dearest have been told that we both want a woodland burial, where we'd like it to be, so no one is in any doubt.

Aunty Margaret

fatboyonadiet · 17 May 2005 at 11:50AM

Sorry to hear that - not sure if it is much of a help but think you can get a contribution of upto £1,000 towards costs, does depend on financial situation of course.

gundo · 17 May 2005 at 1:28PM

margaretclare wrote:

It helps enormously if you know what the deceased would have liked, what sort of funeral, because there's a lot out there now to choose from

Totally agree. It's got me thinking about my send off.

He was a devout Catholic so that's decided most things i.e. church - tick, burial - tick, music - tick (hymns) etc.

Regards - Gundo

bunking_off · 17 May 2005 at 1:46PM

In some ways it's a bit like organising a wedding but with three day's notice. We buried my mother a couple of weeks ago, and would highlight

- TALK about what should happen, before the deceased actually becomes deceased. When my mum died, we all expected that she'd spoken to someone else about whether she wanted burial or cremation....in reality she'd never discussed it (beyond being propped in the corner for a month to check she was actually dead)
- agree the point about maps
- it's said that you should get 3 quotes from funeral directors but I don't view that as being realistic
- you're paying an awful lot of money to funeral directors...make them work for it and act as "project manager"
- it sounds ridiculous, but check all arrangements with the funeral directors the evening before/on the morning. When we buried my mum, the funeral was 1230 and the hearse/cars were due at 1200-1215. At 1220 there was no sign, so I rang the funeral directors...they'd transcribed the diary incorrectly and thought it was 2:30! We always said she'd be late for her own funeral, and she was....but only by 10 mins in the end

margaretclare · 17 May 2005 at 4:47PM

Hi gundo

You said the deceased was a devout Catholic, here's something you might not be aware of:

In the Catholic tradition, instead of the deceased staying at the funeral director's premises until the day of the funeral then being brought to the house to start the procession, what should happen is that the deceased is received into his church the evening before and the coffin rests there before the altar overnight.

We did this when my first husband died - he was a 'cradle Catholic' and had been educated by the Salesians. I'd been vaguely aware of this and then the funeral director asked me what was going to happen, were we starting the procession from our house to the church (I had already arranged for a Requiem Mass for him). I asked our parish priest about having him received into church the night before, and he said 'Well, that is our tradition, but many people don't do it nowadays'. So I said 'If it's our tradition then that's what we must do'. The parish priest led into church and the coffin left before the altar. It was a great comfort in a way, because after the priest had said prayers he then left us alone, my daughter and me, for as long as we liked. We sat there for ages talking to him, reading poems etc, and we got most of our crying done that evening. We left him in God's care before the altar, in the quiet church overnight. Of course, some people were surprised the following day, they were expecting the funeral cortege to arrive at church bringing the coffin, in fact he was already there.

One of the hymns we had at the Requiem Mass was 'Soul of my Saviour'. And the Gospel reading was that piece from Matthew: 'I was hungry, and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me a drink'...very appropriate.

I am now a Methodist, remarried, and planning a woodland burial for myself and for my second husband, with a service at the woodland place: https://www.green-burials.co.uk and a get-together there if people want it.

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

jaybee · 17 May 2005 at 7:23PM

I think it's very helpful to have some sort of plan. Several times I can recall people being very upset many months later when they realised that they have chosen the 'wrong' hymn or music / words etc. for the person concerned. In times of such stress it is sometimes easy to simply go along with whatever is suggested. Of course, we don't always get the opportunity to plan ahead (sudden death / accident etc) and many people don't want to to think about it at all.

I think that Aids has prompted people to arrange things their way; possibly because they are mostly younger and have time to plan things their way and to be more flamboyant etc.

Mine is going to be a woodland burial and I've chosen the music I want (enough to bring me back to life, I think

).

Johnhowell · 17 May 2005 at 8:01PM

Fatboyonadiet,

To whom do you claim this "upto £1000"?

My father has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has been trying to prepay for his funeral - £1800 for a basic cremation!

They want £110 to pay for two doctors (needed for cremation), but the hospital provides the doctors!

They want £400 to organise Charity donations and collect flowers!

They want £150 for a car for the family - we shall be using our own.

I have told my father not to worry about this - we shall organise when needed, and ask for just the basic services required.

Also, a friend who worked in a Funeral Directors told me when you go in they present the catalogue of coffins at the page they want you to pay for, not the basic box. Do not be afraid to turn the pages back to the front!

It always suprises me what you have to pay for especially when an internment is wanted, £70 for the council, £70 for the church, £70 for the grave digger, £70 for the right to have a headstone, £70 to place the headstone.......... I am sure there must be duplications in there somewhere!

I am sure the play on your emotions!

John

margaretclare · 17 May 2005 at 8:12PM

Hi John

Have a look at that woodland burial site I quoted above, not necessarily to go along with that idea, but they're very open and honest about what they charge for. They say there that one of the biggest costs is for those big black limousines to ferry mourners to and fro, but you don't have to have those - you can use own cars!

£400 to 'organise charity donations and collect flowers'???? I wouldn't want to pay for that. My daughter's aunt-in-law died, I went to the funeral and I gave a cheque to the deceased's sister. I'm not in favour of a lot of those flower displays - M U M or D A D in flowers. I'd much rather plant a tree!! I am also not in favour of wasting wood if it's going to be a cremation. But everyone has their own ideas.

Aunty Margaret

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