Funeral tips?

gundo

margaretclare wrote:

Hi gundo

You said the deceased was a devout Catholic, here's something you might not be aware of:

In the Catholic tradition, instead of the deceased staying at the funeral director's premises until the day of the funeral then being brought to the house to start the procession, what should happen is that the deceased is received into his church the evening before and the coffin rests there before the altar overnight.

Thanks Margaret. Yeah that's happening to SO's father. There's a mass the evening before anyway so we'll be attending that (just the normal Wed night mass).

Having not had much experience of death I assumed this was normal. Didn't know it was only a Catholic thing.

gundo

Johnhowell wrote:

My father has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has been trying to prepay for his funeral - £1800 for a basic cremation!...

I had no idea how expensive dying was until SO's Dad died. I'm genuinely shocked.

But having said that, family and friends have been very generous and helpful.

sparky61

It might be a good idea to arrange for someone to write down the names of all who send flowers/wreaths etc so that thankyou cards can be sent after the funeral.
Hope all goes well.

Johnhowell

Aunty Margaret,

Thanks for the Woodland burial idea. Dad wants to be cremated and he wants the scattering of his ashes done by the Crematory staff in their garden. He lives in a small OAP home and has seen a few services, one went badly when the wind picked up and the daughter was covered in her mothers ashes!

Dad wants to know if he could be cremated in a cardboard box rather than a wooden coffin! Also, a friend keeps saying "just throw me on the rubbish dump" and I have to remind him that is illegal

John

margaretclare

Hi John

When my daughter died she was also very eco-friendly, cremation was decided on by her widower and her mother-in-law, I didn't get much of a say in the decisions. But what they had for her was a bamboo coffin. Apparently bamboo doesn't waste wood because in its natural habitat it grows like a weed.

I'm sure a cardboard coffin would be possible - they're thick cardboard, the kind that's strong enough to carry e.g. something heavy like a fridge-freezer. Ask the funeral director.

People saying they don't care what happens to them, just throw them on the rubbish-dump, are not very helpful. Someone is going to have to make some decision about them, some kind of respectful disposal, and it does help to have a constructive suggestion beforehand.

Aunty Margaret

scaty

margaretclare wrote:

Hi gundo

It helps enormously if you know what the deceased would have liked, what sort of funeral, because there's a lot out there now to choose from e.g. church service/no service, minister or vicar/humanist speaker. Whether to have a friend/relative speak a eulogy, whether to have poetry or readings that the deceased liked, flowers/donations to deceased's favourite charity in lieu of flowers, music/no music, all those kind of things.

This is a personal feeling but it comes out of past experiences: I think we should all of us leave details of what we would like when the time comes. It makes it so much easier, less decision-making at a time when the bereaved are least able to make choices and decisions, and there's a kind of comfort in feeling that you are carrying out the deceased's last wishes. All our nearest and dearest have been told that we both want a woodland burial, where we'd like it to be, so no one is in any doubt.

Aunty Margaret

Hi having buried both parents within 2 year of each other it is a traumatic time. I think it is so important to set out what you want your funeral to be and what YOU want done and NOT what others might think you want.

I just sat and said yes to what ever the funeral director said. Big Bucks!!

But,now I have set out the type funeral I want - cheap, very cheerful - setting out the songs and what I want after - big party where people can really have their say about me.

I have se it all out in a will and my daughters know where things are and what to do. We have talked and laughed about my choices and the whole event - though hopefully a long time distant. And it is not taboo!

Although, it means that 'Things can only get better' has a different edge for the girls, they can appreciate the sentiment.

Don't leave it to others to make the choices, you can be a more active part of the moment and not just silent in the corner!

margaretclare

scaty wrote:

Hi having buried both parents within 2 year of each other it is a traumatic time. I think it is so important to set out what you want your funeral to be and what YOU want done and NOT what others might think you want.

I just sat and said yes to what ever the funeral director said. Big Bucks!!

But, now I have set out the type funeral I want - cheap, very cheerful - setting out the songs and what I want after - big party where people can really have their say about me.

I have set it all out in a will and my daughters know where things are and what to do. We have talked and laughed about my choices and the whole event - though hopefully a long time distant. And it is not taboo!

Although, it means that 'Things can only get better' has a different edge for the girls, they can appreciate the sentiment.

Don't leave it to others to make the choices, you can be a more active part of the moment and not just silent in the corner!

I couldn't agree with you more. I absolutely, totally agree. There is a certain amount of comfort in knowing that you're doing what the deceased person wanted and it avoids a whole lot of decision-making at a time when you're least able to make choices and decisions, therefore you go along with whatever the funeral director suggests. If you haven't done it before how are you supposed to know that there are different options?

In my youth, and the place I grew up, it was the village churchyard and a church service. (What the 'chapel' people did at that time and place, I've no idea!!) But I used to go along with my grandad every Saturday to tend the family graves, cut the grass, put fresh flowers etc. There are 3 generations of my family now, buried in that country churchyard.

I'd never given it any thought until one day in the late 1960s/early 1970s I walked in on a heated argument between my aunt and my mother (the 2 people who brought me up) as to the relative merits of cremation/burial. They both had their points of view, and it surprised me because I'd barely heard of cremation then, as an option, and I'd never been involved in planning a funeral.

In 1975 my mother died and I had to plan her funeral. She was the one who'd wanted cremation, so I made sure that's what she got, following a church service. But I didn't know what to do with her ashes afterwards, so the funeral director interred them in one of the family graves - either her parents or grandparents. 10 years later my Aunt died, and as she wanted burial, that's what she got. I also discovered a slip of paper with her favourite hymns, so we had those at the funeral service.

Since then I've been to quite a few funerals. The best, I have to say, are the ones where there has been some thought and care, someone has been able to get up and speak about the deceased, what he/she was like, keep it fairly light-hearted, celebrate a life rather than deep mourning and sobbing. If you're having a church service it helps if people know the hymns and will sing (not a problem if it's a Methodist service!) I've been to some in a crematorium chapel where a minister has been dragged in from somewhere and he/she didn't know the deceased, no one got up to speak about the deceased personally, and you might as well have been disposing of rubbish for all anyone would have known!

On a recent thread about a mother who refused to make a will, I was castigated when I said I thought it was selfish not to. Making a will is not just a matter of disposing of your money and personal assets. It helps your grieving relatives if you set down your wishes. It really does help, and it can make things very difficult for those left behind, if you haven't left a will.

Aunty Margaret

Savvy_Sue

I know it's usual in my 'tradition' (free church) to have a service at the church and then head off to the crem, or occasionally the cemetery, but I want it the other way round. Those who are close to me can come and see me off personally, and then have a good sing song with all the hangers-on afterwards. I feel there's such a sense of anticlimax the other way round: lots of people can't make it to the crem afterwards.

I've also decided that my boys can wear what they want to the service. I do want them to come, even if they think it's a waste of time, but I see no point in my DH struggling to get them to look smart. Same goes for him: he won't be comfy in his suit and I'd rather he was comfy than smart. I want to look down from heaven and be able to recognise them all, thank you very much! (OK, they'll have to leave their hoodies off their faces ...)

Guess I'd better write a letter before I go into hospital, whenever that is!

margaretclare

Hi Sue

Yes, this is just the kind of thing you need to write down somewhere and leave with other important documents, insurance policies, wherever you keep important things.

I've also said that I don't want anyone wearing black, wearing 'smart suits', hats etc, especially if they don't normally wear them! I did not wear black for my daughter because I knew she wouldn't want it. I wore a deep plum-coloured top and long skirt, with a blue chiffon scarf, and if anyone thought I looked odd when I got up to speak about her, well, tough!

Aunty Margaret