Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • krlyr
    • By krlyr 20th Jun 19, 11:54 AM
    • 5,877Posts
    • 12,058Thanks
    krlyr
    Boyfriend moving in - how to discuss practicalities
    • #1
    • 20th Jun 19, 11:54 AM
    Boyfriend moving in - how to discuss practicalities 20th Jun 19 at 11:54 AM
    I'm looking to ask my boyfriend to move in with me, to the property I own (mortgaged). I know this subject has come up a few times and think I'm pretty much set on the way to deal with finances to be fair but protect myself (half of bills, half or perhaps slightly more of groceries since he'll eat more than me, the rest to go into a savings account for a future property) but just wondering how those that have had the conversation have approached it?

    He's already mentioned paying me rent, splitting chores, etc. so he's certainly not expecting a free ride, and we've discussed marriage/kids at some point in the next couple of years so there needs to be some element of trust, but I have a fair bit of equity in the property and having been through the breakdown of a long-term relationship and the resulting asset split, I'm definitely wanting to be sensible about it.

    He's very pragmatic and we talk loads so I'm not overly concerned, but the overthinker in me realises how unromantic it is to ask someone to move in but then start talking about protecting my assets from him in case we split up! Just wondering how others approached it, ways they may have done it differently, issues their OH raised during the discussion etc.
Page 1
    • DUTR
    • By DUTR 20th Jun 19, 11:59 AM
    • 12,274 Posts
    • 6,959 Thanks
    DUTR
    • #2
    • 20th Jun 19, 11:59 AM
    • #2
    • 20th Jun 19, 11:59 AM
    You are right to be wanting to protect your assets if things don't work out.
    Remember it is you who is asking him to move in, perhaps continue as you are and look to get a joint place if the wedding materialises.
    • krlyr
    • By krlyr 20th Jun 19, 12:15 PM
    • 5,877 Posts
    • 12,058 Thanks
    krlyr
    • #3
    • 20th Jun 19, 12:15 PM
    • #3
    • 20th Jun 19, 12:15 PM
    You are right to be wanting to protect your assets if things don't work out.
    Remember it is you who is asking him to move in, perhaps continue as you are and look to get a joint place if the wedding materialises.
    Originally posted by DUTR
    Wedding is a little way off, buying a house together would likely come first, so knowing for sure we can live together is important to me.

    I'm more just wondering how people have broached the subject and dealt with any issues the discussion has raised. Not anticipating any protests but I'm looking at it from my POV and there might something I've missed
    • tacpot12
    • By tacpot12 20th Jun 19, 4:07 PM
    • 2,987 Posts
    • 2,721 Thanks
    tacpot12
    • #4
    • 20th Jun 19, 4:07 PM
    • #4
    • 20th Jun 19, 4:07 PM
    My partner and I manage our finances via a shared budget. We started by listing all the bills we have and then discussed how we were going to pay them jointly. We have split the bills so that I pay some, she pays the rest and where this produces an imbalance, one pays the other via a monthly standing order so that we are both contributing the same to running the house we live in. But paying a fixed monthly amount into a joint 'bills' account would also work. We review the amount when any bill changes, e.g. when energy bill DD amounts change You need to decide how annual expenses like house insurance will be handled; options include:
    - a separate joint account annual expenses (and emergencies?), with both of you paying the same amount to it,
    - both having a separate savings accounts that you individually use for annual expenses so that when the expense is due you both can pay the same amount into the bills account and you pay the annual bill from there (we do it this way for reasons I would prefer to keep private)
    - both pay into the joint bills account enough over the year so that when a bill becomes due the bills account has enough in it to cover the bill.

    We also keep a spreadsheet of costs that we have incurred on each other's behalf, something that occurs quite frequently in our relationship. One example is fuel for our shared car. Whenever either of us buys fuel, we record the cost on the spreadsheet, and 'charge' the other person for half the cost. At the end of each month, we settle up. The spreadsheet tells us how much one person owes the other and we do a bank transfer of that amount. It works well for us, but we are both divorced and so somewhat uptight about money.
    The comments I post are my personal opinion. While I try to check everything is correct before posting, I can and do make mistakes, so always check official information sources before relying on my posts.
    • Stoke
    • By Stoke 20th Jun 19, 4:19 PM
    • 3,102 Posts
    • 3,525 Thanks
    Stoke
    • #5
    • 20th Jun 19, 4:19 PM
    • #5
    • 20th Jun 19, 4:19 PM
    I don't think there's any harm in asking for rent (especially if he's offering) and I don't believe this gives him any specific right to equity in the house? Not as far as I'm aware anyway.
    • krlyr
    • By krlyr 20th Jun 19, 4:36 PM
    • 5,877 Posts
    • 12,058 Thanks
    krlyr
    • #6
    • 20th Jun 19, 4:36 PM
    • #6
    • 20th Jun 19, 4:36 PM
    My partner and I manage our finances via a shared budget. We started by listing all the bills we have and then discussed how we were going to pay them jointly. We have split the bills so that I pay some, she pays the rest and where this produces an imbalance, one pays the other via a monthly standing order so that we are both contributing the same to running the house we live in. But paying a fixed monthly amount into a joint 'bills' account would also work. We review the amount when any bill changes, e.g. when energy bill DD amounts change You need to decide how annual expenses like house insurance will be handled; options include:
    - a separate joint account annual expenses (and emergencies?), with both of you paying the same amount to it,
    - both having a separate savings accounts that you individually use for annual expenses so that when the expense is due you both can pay the same amount into the bills account and you pay the annual bill from there (we do it this way for reasons I would prefer to keep private)
    - both pay into the joint bills account enough over the year so that when a bill becomes due the bills account has enough in it to cover the bill.

    We also keep a spreadsheet of costs that we have incurred on each other's behalf, something that occurs quite frequently in our relationship. One example is fuel for our shared car. Whenever either of us buys fuel, we record the cost on the spreadsheet, and 'charge' the other person for half the cost. At the end of each month, we settle up. The spreadsheet tells us how much one person owes the other and we do a bank transfer of that amount. It works well for us, but we are both divorced and so somewhat uptight about money.
    Originally posted by tacpot12
    Thanks, I think we'd lean towards a joint account at some point but I'd prefer to wait a bit. Mortgage renewal due soon and don't want complications of being linked financially, credit score wise etc. before then.


    I don't think there's any harm in asking for rent (especially if he's offering) and I don't believe this gives him any specific right to equity in the house? Not as far as I'm aware anyway.
    Originally posted by Stoke
    Gets fuzzy if the money given is used towards the mortgage. Intent etc. comes in to play but I'd rather be cautious - my plan is to ask him to save the extra 'rent' into a savings account he can then use for a deposit towards the house we'd buy together.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 20th Jun 19, 5:32 PM
    • 9,093 Posts
    • 33,037 Thanks
    Primrose
    • #7
    • 20th Jun 19, 5:32 PM
    • #7
    • 20th Jun 19, 5:32 PM
    Given an earlier relationship breakdown I think you are right to take a cautious approach at this stage.


    Why not get him to pay a relevant and fair proportion of your household expenses and put any money he saves into a Wedding/House deposit fund.


    If the marriage goes ahead you can then put the mortgage/property into joint names, put each other as a beneficiary in any pension fund scheme, make Wills and do all the normal things that married couples do. You should perhaps make a Will now anyway, if you are sure in your mind what you want to happen to your assets if you die, but bear in mind marriage invalidates Wills and you will have to make a new one on marriage.


    Also if you're not married and just living together, would you want to nominate each other as a Next of Kin for legal purposes. Bear in mind if one of you had a serious accident and needed to act for each other or look after each other's finances etc until they recovered whilst merely living together you would have no legal power to do so unless you had created a formal Power of Attorney so something else to think about.
    • CorrineCoo
    • By CorrineCoo 20th Jun 19, 8:19 PM
    • 16 Posts
    • 106 Thanks
    CorrineCoo
    • #8
    • 20th Jun 19, 8:19 PM
    • #8
    • 20th Jun 19, 8:19 PM
    "...but the overthinker in me realises how unromantic it is to ask someone to move in but then start talking about protecting my assets from him in case we split up!" As they say there is a time for everything in life. Don't raise the issue on a romantic night, talk about it in the cold light of day with a practical head on.
    • onwards&upwards
    • By onwards&upwards 21st Jun 19, 4:20 AM
    • 1,381 Posts
    • 2,738 Thanks
    onwards&upwards
    • #9
    • 21st Jun 19, 4:20 AM
    • #9
    • 21st Jun 19, 4:20 AM
    Don’t talk about ‘protecting your asset’ call it ‘keeping things uncomplicated at first’ while you trial living together.

    See what the bills are as they come in and get him to transfer half in time for the DD rather than fixing a set amount, hard to say how much they will go up and some will be much lower in summer than winter.

    I doubt he will eat that much more than you, surely you’ll share most meals? If it’s because he drinks and you don’t or he likes lots of treats/extras just have those kept separate from the main shop and he pays for them as and when he wants them.

    Set a review date, 6 months gives things time to settle, and at that point make yourselves an ‘appointment’ to sit down together to talk honestly about how it’s going, any concerns, gripes, good stuff, bad stuff, not just about money but all domestic stuff!

    If at that 6 month point (or whatever suits you but don’t leave it years) you can still stand each other and want to live together forever, make yourselves another ‘appointment’ a few weeks later to come up with a plan and a timescale for making more permanent arrangements and talk about how you both think finances should work for a committed or married couple, as well as what you both think about children, parental leave, savings, home ownership, job loss, ill health etc. Full disclosure on all your income/debt/assets/ etc will be necessary. Talking about it first and knowing whether you’re on the same page or not can save you enormous amounts of stress/heartache further down the line!

    Good luck.
    • LadyDee
    • By LadyDee 21st Jun 19, 7:12 AM
    • 3,927 Posts
    • 4,246 Thanks
    LadyDee
    If your boyfriend will be paying "rent" do check the terms of your mortgage - it's years since I had a mortgage but I seem to remember there was a clause in mine that precluded having "lodgers". That was back in the Dark Ages and probably things have changed a good deal but you never know.
    • krlyr
    • By krlyr 21st Jun 19, 9:45 AM
    • 5,877 Posts
    • 12,058 Thanks
    krlyr
    Don’t talk about ‘protecting your asset’ call it ‘keeping things uncomplicated at first’ while you trial living together.

    See what the bills are as they come in and get him to transfer half in time for the DD rather than fixing a set amount, hard to say how much they will go up and some will be much lower in summer than winter.

    I doubt he will eat that much more than you, surely you’ll share most meals? If it’s because he drinks and you don’t or he likes lots of treats/extras just have those kept separate from the main shop and he pays for them as and when he wants them.
    Originally posted by onwards&upwards
    Thanks. Fortunately most my bills are fixed - other than electricity (no gas) but I've been the property nearly 2 years so have an idea of what it averages out to. But I don't see it being an issue to discuss with him if the bill increased a lot. Long-term we'd go for a joint bills account which would account for fluctuations in bills.

    He eats about twice the amount of calories as me a day, haha. I'm a short-!!! vegetarian in an office job and he's a giant rugby-playing meat eater so probably a bit of a difference in grocery shopping. I don't want to get too nitpicky about it though but it was his idea to pay more of the groceries when we roughly discussed how we'd manage joint finances in the future. Again, long-term I think it would be a much more even split as a family unit.

    If your boyfriend will be paying "rent" do check the terms of your mortgage - it's years since I had a mortgage but I seem to remember there was a clause in mine that precluded having "lodgers". That was back in the Dark Ages and probably things have changed a good deal but you never know.
    Originally posted by LadyDee
    He won't be paying rent - just contributing towards bills Good thought though.
    • Sofi.w.123
    • By Sofi.w.123 26th Jun 19, 12:12 AM
    • 1 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    Sofi.w.123
    Hey,
    I am in the same situation as you. My boyfriend moved into my house about 6 weeks ago and it’s been the best thing. No more spending money on petrol or having to go buy breakfast in the morning after staying round his 🙈.
    I wouldn’t say we had a big ‘conversation’ regarding finances and definitely didn’t make a date or an appointment with each other. However we are both fairly laid back. I simply asked him what he was paying in rent before and asked him to put this into savings for a wedding/house together. I do trust that he will do this, however I don’t trust his choice in savings account so may well ask him to transfer to me and I will put it in a suitable account (he’s been with the same bank for 15 years lord help me)
    With regards to bills I don’t anticipate they will rise that much, so far my energy usage hasn’t changed (I know it’s height of summer) the only thing that will be more is council tax where I was getting single occupancy before. It really is a small price to pay for being able to live together.
    My boyfriend had sky tv before so he has that and now pays for our tv and Internet so I cancelled mine.
    With food shopping we tend to just split it (I eat more than him 😂😂&#128514 and when I say split he beats me to the card machine most times 🤷!♀️.
    Overall I know some people are really into the detail of who owes what and when but I look at is as I was spending the money on bills anyway but I get the extra bonus of living with my partner and he can save all the wasted rent for our future wedding/house (obviously I save too) this is just my opinion hope it helps!
    • jjhdee
    • By jjhdee 26th Jun 19, 7:00 AM
    • 61 Posts
    • 36 Thanks
    jjhdee
    If you see this working on a longer period of time, you might want to consider getting a cohabitation agreement. It could be too serious and too 'official' right now since you are starting out, but I believe it's better to think about it early or have a plan for it, because as you both get more comfortable living together, years would pass by quickly and it could be an awkward topic to talk about when systems are already in place in your household. This will cover ownership of the house (in case you decide to buy one in the future), different possessions, and even children. People might see this as seeing too far ahead, but if you're serious about the relationship, I say, why not? Here's a quick read on the cohabitation agreement, this helped me understand what it is about: https://www.netlawman.co.uk/ia/cohabitation-agreement
    • moneysfab
    • By moneysfab 26th Jun 19, 7:31 AM
    • 4 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    moneysfab
    If you're about to re-mortgage then when you do you will have to declare if there are any other adults living in the property. At this point the mortgage company will ask your boyfriend to sign a form to say he has no claim to the house.
    I think if he moves in you should tell your existing mortgage company as well, but I'm not 100% sure.

    If he pays 'rent' into a savings account - what happens to that if you split up - it sounds like it should be yours, otherwise he would be living rent free.
    • blue_eyed_girl123
    • By blue_eyed_girl123 26th Jun 19, 10:09 AM
    • 100 Posts
    • 195 Thanks
    blue_eyed_girl123
    Maybe make it seem like a treat, when my fianc! and I had lots of big wedding decisions to make we took iPad, pads and pens down to our favourite cake shop and made plans over hot chocolate and cake. I know you might not want to discuss money in public so you can always do the same in your house .

    We also have an annual "financial meeting" where we go through direct debits etc and discuss savings plans for the year. It's nice to feel organised and that we are headed in the same direction (and less of an issue when we jointly decide we can't afford takeaway etc). We still have separate spending money £250 per month, which does mean we have some freedoms. We tried to do a percentage one before, but felt for us that was an unfair way to do it .

    All I would say is, don't be afraid to talk about it, and that cake helps
    • blue_eyed_girl123
    • By blue_eyed_girl123 26th Jun 19, 10:12 AM
    • 100 Posts
    • 195 Thanks
    blue_eyed_girl123
    Also, in our house I own the property outright (gifted) and my fianc! isn't on the property. This means though that he can have a LISA for future purposes though. So it's not that he's not on this house, it's that he can get us extra money towards the next house. I don't know if your boyfriend has never owned property before, but this may help, depending on if/when you're looking to move .
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

414Posts Today

4,368Users online

Martin's Twitter