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  • FIRST POST
    • BabzD
    • By BabzD 11th Jan 19, 5:15 PM
    • 3Posts
    • 1Thanks
    BabzD
    Desperate
    • #1
    • 11th Jan 19, 5:15 PM
    Desperate 11th Jan 19 at 5:15 PM
    I donít know if I am posting this on the right place or not but I am desperate and need help 😥
    We havenít seen our son and grandchildren now for over 3 years and it has broken my heart. I took them on a trip when they were left with me for their parents to go away to a wedding, that didnít sit well with our daughter in law and madness ensued 😥
    Our daughter visits regular (she is allowed) and now she says that our son has txt his brother (our youngest) saying that the children are missing him and will he come and see them. He according to our daughter is torn as he doesnít want to upset us.
    Our eldest son (the one we havenít seen for 3 years) sometimes replies to his Dads txts and has told him that he can phone him on his days off (our son works shifts) I feel that the only way that I can prevent all this hurt is to leave home as the only reason that our children and my husband are not allowed to see our son and grandchildren is because if me.
    It hurts as I want us to be a family again but I know that this wonít happen while I am around. If I was out of the equation then everything would be ok
    I have been looking for somewhere to move to but as I earn less than £200 a month a d ha e no savings I have no idea where to go or who to turn to.
    If I leave the council will tell me that I have made myself homeless and they wonít help. I am heartbroken and besides myself. I am so stressed and frustrated and hurt
Page 1
    • ognum
    • By ognum 11th Jan 19, 5:30 PM
    • 4,627 Posts
    • 7,445 Thanks
    ognum
    • #2
    • 11th Jan 19, 5:30 PM
    • #2
    • 11th Jan 19, 5:30 PM
    I donít know if I am posting this on the right place or not but I am desperate and need help 😥
    We havenít seen our son and grandchildren now for over 3 years and it has broken my heart. I took them on a trip when they were left with me for their parents to go away to a wedding, that didnít sit well with our daughter in law and madness ensued 😥
    Our daughter visits regular (she is allowed) and now she says that our son has txt his brother (our youngest) saying that the children are missing him and will he come and see them. He according to our daughter is torn as he doesnít want to upset us.
    Our eldest son (the one we havenít seen for 3 years) sometimes replies to his Dads txts and has told him that he can phone him on his days off (our son works shifts) I feel that the only way that I can prevent all this hurt is to leave home as the only reason that our children and my husband are not allowed to see our son and grandchildren is because if me.
    It hurts as I want us to be a family again but I know that this wonít happen while I am around. If I was out of the equation then everything would be ok
    I have been looking for somewhere to move to but as I earn less than £200 a month a d ha e no savings I have no idea where to go or who to turn to.
    If I leave the council will tell me that I have made myself homeless and they wonít help. I am heartbroken and besides myself. I am so stressed and frustrated and hurt
    Originally posted by BabzD
    I am so sorry you feel like this. What was the trip you went on that caused all the upset?

    Is there any way you can talk with your daughter in law or arrange some mediation so you can both learn how the other feels?
    • Skibunny40
    • By Skibunny40 11th Jan 19, 5:32 PM
    • 149 Posts
    • 147 Thanks
    Skibunny40
    • #3
    • 11th Jan 19, 5:32 PM
    • #3
    • 11th Jan 19, 5:32 PM
    It sounds like sides were taken when you took the children on this trip, if some of your children are worried about upsetting you by going to visit the grandchildren.

    Have you tried just straight out apologising to your daughter-in-law? (Obviously I have no idea what went on, but don't let your pride make you as miserable as you appear to be)
    • BabzD
    • By BabzD 11th Jan 19, 5:44 PM
    • 3 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    BabzD
    • #4
    • 11th Jan 19, 5:44 PM
    • #4
    • 11th Jan 19, 5:44 PM
    I donít know about sides being taken and I know that there are generally two sides to the story but there is no story other than they were left in my charge from Friday to Sunday and I took them out for a treat and apparently I should have asked first
    • BabzD
    • By BabzD 11th Jan 19, 5:54 PM
    • 3 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    BabzD
    • #5
    • 11th Jan 19, 5:54 PM
    • #5
    • 11th Jan 19, 5:54 PM
    I took them on a short train trip something that they love. She wonít agree to mediation she likes to be in charge. I didnít ask permission to take them even though they were left in my charge from Friday to Sunday 😥
    • ognum
    • By ognum 11th Jan 19, 6:04 PM
    • 4,627 Posts
    • 7,445 Thanks
    ognum
    • #6
    • 11th Jan 19, 6:04 PM
    • #6
    • 11th Jan 19, 6:04 PM
    Sadly just reading the words you have written makes me feel you are not prepared to say you are sorry or you were wrong in order to reunite your family.

    Although I do understand that the children were left in your care I also understand that if I had children in my care I would check with their parents before I arranged to do anything like this that they were happy about it.

    Basically it’s your choice, put your hands up, say Your sorry and you understand how your daughter in law feels or continue with your unhappy life.

    I do understand your DIL I also understand you but I would bite the bullet and say I understand and I’m sorry.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 11th Jan 19, 8:28 PM
    • 8,481 Posts
    • 29,795 Thanks
    Primrose
    • #7
    • 11th Jan 19, 8:28 PM
    • #7
    • 11th Jan 19, 8:28 PM
    Running away is cowardly and actually it won,t solve anything. All it will do is leave another bit rupture in your family.

    Write to your daughter in law and tell her you never anticipated that what you thought was just intended to be a simple pleasure trip for your grandchildren while they were in your care would turn out to have such sad consequences for the family and that onviously if you could turn the clock back you would handle things differently.

    You can't help her being a control freak. Perhaps she was worried that you have a different tyle of parenting - generations often do - and was concerned in some way about their safety which didn't occur to you.

    Whatever the issue, it,s now spread to the wider family and somebody has to be the grown up who takes the first initiative to heal the rift. What are your husband's views on all this and the child's father? (The son in question). He also has a responsibility,itynto try and help heal the rift.

    My advice would be to swallow your pride, write and apologise and ask if you can meet up over a cup of coffee to talk about how the misunderstanding over her and your views of grandparent childcare went so badly wrong.

    As for running away. That really won,t solve anything as you will take all your sad thoughts and problems with you and just probably cause a second family rift.
    Last edited by Primrose; 11-01-2019 at 8:31 PM.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 11th Jan 19, 9:56 PM
    • 3,997 Posts
    • 10,758 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    • #8
    • 11th Jan 19, 9:56 PM
    • #8
    • 11th Jan 19, 9:56 PM
    I'm really sorry but I just can't believe that a huge estrangement like this is just because you took your grandchildren on a train while you had them for the weekend. That is a completely normal thing for a grandparent to do with their grandchildren, happening every day up and down the country, and I just don't buy that if that's all it was then your son would be happily going along with the completely insane reaction to it.

    So what's the real story? What was your relationship like with your daughter in law before that 'incident'? What else led to this?
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 12th Jan 19, 10:07 AM
    • 2,165 Posts
    • 2,540 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    • #9
    • 12th Jan 19, 10:07 AM
    • #9
    • 12th Jan 19, 10:07 AM
    Moving out will just cause upset with other family members, it wont solve the problem.
    Unless the parents are genuinely concerned for the children's welfare, it seems quite cruel to deny them seeing grandparents.
    I'd write to your son and his wife to try to resolve the situation before it gets to the point you never see each other again. Without knowing both sides it's tricky to say more but an apology might be in order? Even if you did something they didn't agree with, it seems a bit over the top to ignore for years because of it. Is there something further that needs to be addressed? Have a think. Ask your other family. Maybe your daughter in law has unjustified feelings that a discussion could alter? Maybe neither of you is big enough to make the first move? Could it just be stalemate because of pride? Life is short, so try to heal this rift.
    • HurdyGurdy
    • By HurdyGurdy 12th Jan 19, 11:35 AM
    • 877 Posts
    • 3,104 Thanks
    HurdyGurdy
    Whilst I wouldn't have put it as bluntly as Red Squirrel, I do agree that there is more to this than you have said.

    If your son and daughter-in-law thought you were sufficiently trustworthy to have the children for an entire weekend, then presumably you are also sufficiently trustworthy to take them out on trips. Were you expected to just stay at home with them for the entire weekend? Have you cared for them for an extended period of time before?

    Were you alone with them on the trip, or was your husband with you? Was it a local train trip, or a longer distance? Was it a narrow gauge type railway, or a big inter city one? Where did you go with them - was it a long way from home? What did you do once you reached your destination?

    Were you specifically told not to take them any distance from home? Or were you told of any specific activities that the parents didn't want the children to participate in?

    You don't give any information around the grandchildren - how many, their ages, and any additional needs they may have. Do you yourself have any additional needs - mobility, for example?

    I think Primrose's advice is spot on and very well worded. I hope you can resolve the issue and see your grandchildren again.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 12th Jan 19, 11:46 AM
    • 17,079 Posts
    • 42,017 Thanks
    FBaby
    I'm sorry but it makes no sense you'd be stopped from seeing the children all together just because you took them on a train trip when they were away. Most likely something happened that you were not concerned about and was seen as dangerous by them, be it that you didn't have car seats, didn't use sit belts, left them wandering off...

    This happened when I left my young kids in the care of my dad. It was only for an hour.ut I came back with the swimming pool alarm blaring, my 2 and 4 yo playing alone nearby. My dad didn't think he was doing anything wrong because he'd only gone to the toilet but the reality is that he is hard of hearing and didn't hear the alarm and shouldn't have left the kids alone at all. I didn't stop my dad seeing my kids but he never had them alone again.

    There is a difference in generation when it comes to children and danger so what might seem fine for older people isn't at all for younger ones.

    Did you DS really not tell you why he doesn't want you to see his kids beyond you took them to see a train?
    • Doodles
    • By Doodles 12th Jan 19, 12:21 PM
    • 294 Posts
    • 443 Thanks
    Doodles
    Your son and daughter in law's reaction is very strong, which leads me to think this wasn't just about you not asking permission for a train trip with the grandchildren.

    Did they feel you somehow put the grandchildren at risk or in danger on this trip?

    Was there anything else that they had been irritated with you previously, so the train trip without permission was, for them, the straw that broke the camel's back?

    Running away isn't the answer. I have no idea if you did something wrong, rub people up the wrong way, or simply that your daughter in law and son are unreasonable people. But you may need to apologise (did you apologise at the time?) in order to see if it will soften their attitude towards you and you could move forward with seeing your grandchildren again.
    We are in Transylvania, and Transylvania is not England. Our ways are not your ways, and there shall be to you many strange things.

    Dracula, Bram Stoker
    • ognum
    • By ognum 12th Jan 19, 12:58 PM
    • 4,627 Posts
    • 7,445 Thanks
    ognum
    OP, you seem to lack the ability to see things from another persons perspective. Reflect, reflect, reflect. Talk with a friend to see if they can help you review the situation.

    It is simply impossible that you took the children on a train and your family ceased contact. There is more you just refuse to acknowledge it.
    • Kit1
    • By Kit1 12th Jan 19, 8:14 PM
    • 299 Posts
    • 367 Thanks
    Kit1
    I am sorry you feel like this but l know where you are coming from. My DD hasn't spoken to us for years because we voiced our concerns about her controlling BF taking over her life and pushing her away from her friends and he didn't like it and him and his mother convinced her to move in with them and not to see or speak to us, her friends and any other family members. This has hurt so much and we have tried to talk to her but she doesn't want to know. We were not the only ones concerned her friends were worried about her too as he kept turning up uninvited when they got together and he made them uncomfortable.

    I really hope it all works out for you because it never goes away. Good luck.
    Stash Busting Challenge 2016 6/52
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 13th Jan 19, 11:54 AM
    • 851 Posts
    • 2,072 Thanks
    AylesburyDuck
    OP, you seem to lack the ability to see things from another persons perspective. Reflect, reflect, reflect. Talk with a friend to see if they can help you review the situation.

    It is simply impossible that you took the children on a train and your family ceased contact. There is more you just refuse to acknowledge it.
    Originally posted by ognum
    How on earth do you know she lacks perspective, to me it seems the DIL lacks perspective and has gone totally OTT with her reaction to the situation.
    Simply impossible my backside, of course its entirely possible, relationships between DIL/MIL are that variable, and can be that hard work that even comedians joke about them.
    And i'm also of the opinion that this DIL sounds so foul that it appears she feels the need to drive a family wedge. Most sensible people would have said, i'm sorry could you just run that by me in future and that would have been an end to it.
    Reaction here has been so OTT that it seems her daughter in law cant regulate her own emotions.
    Maybe the OP hasnt even been given the chance to apologise properly if she wanted too. You've already by the posts, had the trial, found the OP guilty, and are now collecting pitch forks.
    Tell me again about perspective!
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • ognum
    • By ognum 13th Jan 19, 1:48 PM
    • 4,627 Posts
    • 7,445 Thanks
    ognum
    How on earth do you know she lacks perspective, to me it seems the DIL lacks perspective and has gone totally OTT with her reaction to the situation.
    Simply impossible my backside, of course its entirely possible, relationships between DIL/MIL are that variable, and can be that hard work that even comedians joke about them.
    And i'm also of the opinion that this DIL sounds so foul that it appears she feels the need to drive a family wedge. Most sensible people would have said, i'm sorry could you just run that by me in future and that would have been an end to it.
    Reaction here has been so OTT that it seems her daughter in law cant regulate her own emotions.
    Maybe the OP hasnt even been given the chance to apologise properly if she wanted too. You've already by the posts, had the trial, found the OP guilty, and are now collecting pitch forks.
    Tell me again about perspective!
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    It seems the OP has disappeared so we will never know.

    I have not suggested the DIL is not to blame and I didnít say she lack perspective I said and continue to believe from the way the OP has answered when she did post that she appear s to be unable to see things from her DIL perspective.

    Letís wait and see if she ever returns. Then the quacking can continue!
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 13th Jan 19, 2:22 PM
    • 851 Posts
    • 2,072 Thanks
    AylesburyDuck
    Sadly just reading the words you have written makes me feel you are not prepared to say you are sorry or you were wrong in order to reunite your family.

    Although I do understand that the children were left in your care I also understand that if I had children in my care I would check with their parents before I arranged to do anything like this that they were happy about it.

    Basically itís your choice, put your hands up, say Your sorry and you understand how your daughter in law feels or continue with your unhappy life.

    I do understand your DIL I also understand you but I would bite the bullet and say I understand and Iím sorry.
    Originally posted by ognum
    OP, you seem to lack the ability to see things from another persons perspective. Reflect, reflect, reflect. Talk with a friend to see if they can help you review the situation.

    It is simply impossible that you took the children on a train and your family ceased contact. There is more you just refuse to acknowledge it.
    Originally posted by ognum
    It seems the OP has disappeared so we will never know.

    I have not suggested the DIL is not to blame and I didnít say she lack perspective I said and continue to believe from the way the OP has answered when she did post that she appear s to be unable to see things from her DIL perspective.

    Letís wait and see if she ever returns. Then the quacking can continue!
    Originally posted by ognum
    TBF, i'm not surprised she's gone. Do you forget what you write, or do you not see how it reads.
    You did indeed point blame at her, and you did indeed say she lacked perspective.
    It's above in black and white (black and cream actually), for all to see.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • ognum
    • By ognum 13th Jan 19, 2:43 PM
    • 4,627 Posts
    • 7,445 Thanks
    ognum
    TBF, i'm not surprised she's gone. Do you forget what you write, or do you not see how it reads.
    You did indeed point blame at her, and you did indeed say she lacked perspective.
    It's above in black and white (black and cream actually), for all to see.
    Originally posted by AylesburyDuck
    Well AD you and I see things differently, I have carefully reread what I have written and I donít think I have written anything that is incorrect, disrespectful or unhelpful.

    I stand by my comments that if the OP wants a relationship with her grandchildren and family then she needs to reflect on the situation and look at it from her DILs perspective and if necessary apologise for not asking prior to the trip.

    Of course her DIL could be an awful person or course the OP could be right that she is not to blame but if her choice is run away or have no contact then sometimes we have to bite the bullet and say you are sorry if you did something wron in another season eyes.

    I am happy for you to disagree with me, this I sent a forum, the OP put her message on her email for opinions this is mine. Like it or not AD itís my opinion.
    • Organza_Lace
    • By Organza_Lace 13th Jan 19, 3:44 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 3,611 Thanks
    Organza_Lace
    When my daughter had her first child she was comfortable with me having him, holding him, feeding him ... after all, it was me that bought her and her 4 brothers and sister up but the Son in law was on edge.... as i fed my Grandson one day i could see he was on edge and i just said to him.... "if you want me to look after this baby when his Mummy goes to work, your going to have to learn to trust me with him". He did and he does.

    I cant see what was wrong with taking your Grandchildren out on a train OP. Did your Daughter in law think you were going to have them cooped up in the house the days you had them?

    As for family. You are and have family. Its your Son and daughter in law thats taken themselves out of your family unit.

    Maybe given time.... but dont forget, they will have to find someone else to look after the children now.
    Last edited by Organza_Lace; 13-01-2019 at 4:12 PM.
    • Marvel1
    • By Marvel1 13th Jan 19, 8:16 PM
    • 3,773 Posts
    • 4,159 Thanks
    Marvel1
    I think the eldest (Father) needs to grow a pair and stand up to his Wife.
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