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Results: Do I get my key back and let her fend for herself?


86.96% • 20 votes


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23 votes in total.

    • Determined diva
    • By Determined diva 13th Oct 18, 11:21 PM
    • 641Posts
    • 2,846Thanks
    Determined diva
    My mum is homeless.. advice needed
    • #1
    • 13th Oct 18, 11:21 PM
    My mum is homeless.. advice needed 13th Oct 18 at 11:21 PM
    I need some advice.....

    If you have been reading my thread from the beginning, you will be aware that I have had trouble in the past with my mother.

    She told me the other day that she is homeless (she really is)

    I haven't let her stay with me this time round so I am filled with guilt that I am doing this but I have reached the point that letting her stay is no longer an option and I will list the reasons why I have made that choice.

    I will write everything down on here so you can see the whole picture and help me with some advice on what to do next and if what I am currently doing is right/wrong.

    1. Previously held down several well paid office based jobs (approx 64-85k between 1996-2000)

    2. Current debt she owes is around 100k

    3. Lost her home in January 2012 as could not afford the repayments on it consistently and was not earning the same amount as point 1.

    4.In the build up to the repossession, she started staying with me every weekend as she lived in a rural village where the buses had stopped running and I lived nearer to a tube (so she would do some work and then stay the weekend and catch the bus back on the Monday) This was roughly between October 2010 to January 2012

    5. In 2012 when it happened, she starting living with me full time in my studio flat. No help towards the rent (actually I lie, she did give me 20 here and there, but nothing significant to help towards paying it). Another point to help you assess the situation is this point in time I am earning 33k PY, living in a council rented studio flat, no car to get to work so was leaving 3 hours earlier (for a 40m journey) so I can get a bus to work. She was then doing a part time job on minimum wage as she hated the office. This note about her work is not an issue as she was working, just merely letting you know the facts.

    5. She put all of her home into 2 garages (a corner sofa which fits 8 people, dining chair that sits 8 (there has always been 2 of us - I have no siblings and she has no partner) etc) and paid monthly rent on that. This was after putting everything into storage previously but it was going to get locked down as she could not afford the 300-400 per month to keep it in there.

    6. She got a room in her friends neighbours home (who did not share their home as a rule previously, but did know her well) and paid rent towards it. Tensions built and he asked her to leave. I do not know if this is because they wanted to help but realised they needed their own space or if there was an argument. I do know that she did not pay them regularly every month so I guess tensions built and was asked to leave. I also know that he locked her out for several nights due to the non payment of 150 per month.

    7. When the above happened, I took her back in and she lived on my sofa for around 2 years. In this time no significant contribution made (that I can remember) but did put 10-20 on the electricity meter every so often (lets say monthly as I really cannot remember). Tensions were so so hard at this point as we were living on top of each other but I could not see how her "get out plan" was materialising

    8. Eventually, she got a room for just under a year in a home (paying 700pm bills inc.) where she knew no one. Her and a room mate (who had been there years longer) clashed and that house mate managed to get her evicted in spring 2018. The house mate has mental issues and had done the same thing to previous tennants, so I am fully in support of my mum on this one but she could of played it better. As my mum didn't like her, she stopped speaking to her, so tensions grew in the house and the rest is history

    9. She said she was going to sleep in the 24/7 gym until she found somewhere (as didn't have the money upfront to pay the deposit plus a months rent in advance) and I couldn't let that happen so I said to her she has 2 months rent free at mine and when I got back from holiday (I had booked a 300 holiday back in January to go in July) that she would have somewhere. She offered me 400 per month towards the bills which I declined as I said use that to save up for the rent. She also had her 700 deposit coming back to her and with 2 months free accommodation with me, so in my mind this all assisted her with saving for her place. I also said for her to give me the 700 deposit and the 400 per month and I would hold it in savings for her for her home so she would not spend it - she didn't do this and decided to spend the deposit money on paying credit cards, going shopping, eating out and buying groceries so when it was time for her to go, I had nothing to give her back so she could get another place.

    10. In these 2 months with me, she did basic work (about 6 hours per WEEK (she is a fitness instructor)) and spent the rest of the week attending 18 classes a week in yoga. I kid you not. She also teased me throughout the time sating things like "Oh hard day at work? Well I have had a great day, I've been to yoga, watched tv and spent time with your gorgeous cat.. bet your'e well jealous" (which I hate not being with the cat but equally I need to go to work to be able to feed him!
    So when I got back from holiday and stuck to my word - she had to move on.

    11. She initially stayed in hostels etc, but still not working as much as she needed to so then I started to notice MY car was steamed up with lots of condensation inside and random bags there ( she has always had the spare key as I gave I to her when she lived with me along with the house key). I realised at this point that this is where she must be "living", This frustrates me as I don't know how this messes with the car that I am still paying off for and also the fact she is doing it without my asking (which I guess is down to embarrassment)

    12. I had started to notice things moving around the home when I got back from work and have figured out that whilst I am at work doing 12 hour shifts, she sleeps in my car and then comes in when I am not around to stay in the house without my knowing

    13. I have finally started a new relationship (first time in 20 years (whole other story)) and I sent her a photo of us both (we are cuddled up together so can see we are not friends) and in a separate text 2 minutes later explained who he was, what he does, where he lives, age etc. and her response was "why are you sending me a photo of someone I do not know". I resent the text that I sent that goes with the photo and her response was "ok that's good" along with a thumbs up emoji. This really hurt me that she had nothing positive to say after me being single all my life (I am 38 currently) but on the other side, I think "her problem, I'm dating him and that is that, as I like him and I deserve to be happy"

    14. My car is now on my friends drive (3 miles away) as it has run out of road tax and the MOT is due. Now she has admitted that she has nowhere to go and no money to eat, but in the same breath says “I don’t want to be like you, working all the hours that you do as I have will never be successful with my business” (the business that she hasn’t started in the past 8 years). This upsets me as I am working all the hours so that I can keep a roof over my head and pay my debt and I feel like I am being mocked for it. So why should I let her stay if she has no intention of working to get an income whilst she builds her business?

    15. I guess my next dilemma is this – as she is homeless should I continue to let her come into my home in the day to use the kettle, TV etc? She is also storing all her food staples in a cupboard which I could do with using.
    My best friend is of the opinion that I ask for the house and car keys back. However, I hate the fact that she is homeless and hate the fact that this is my mum that I am allowing to be on the street. As my mum (and single parent), of course she has been there for me growing up which makes me feel bad, on the other hand I feel that a child is a child and that’s something I shouldn’t feel bad about and as of the age of 18, I contributed 250 a month towards the house and went to work to do so (I realise this is not much but my point is that I have contributed to the household since 18 when I was earning 1k per month).
    She installed great values in me, but is not taking her own advice which frustrates the life out of me. How can I be in 15k of debt and working 12 hour days to make ends meet, for her to sit in my house not bringing anything in and then gloat to me on what a great relaxing day she has had?
    I hate confrontation and she knows this, equally I have had to do it several times over the 8 years and it’s fallen on deaf ears. We have had arguments face to face and I have written her a letter when I felt I could not tell her face to face.
    I also hate the fact that she has not even asked how it is going with my new relationship and god forbid that I have a day off work and she walks in mid sex (or even chat) cause she has the key and thinks I am at work. My other thought is do I just change the locks?
    Any advice and help is much appreciated!

    16. I should also add that she spends her money in planet organic. I love that place, don’t get me wrong, but if you are homeless, in my opinion you downgrade to regular fruit and veg to save money. The rest goes to token payments for debt she owes and the garage rent for her home storage she has had in for the past 8 years (I think she should e bay it as it won’t even be worth what it once was) I can see she is holding on to the past but I don’t know what I can do to help?

    17. She is currently taking in around 1.1k PM, is 56 years old, no pension or savings and this worries me also – I cannot support her when she really can no longer work due to old age in 10 years’ time (give or take). I said years ago to go to the council but she says the will not help as she went once and they asked her if she had children under x or was a refugee which she isn’t, so hasn’t followed up with them.

    18. She has re directed her post to my home too!!! I am now getting letters from the council asking if I am doing fraud as I pay the single discount for council tax (single occupancy qualifies for a 25% reduction). Could I be fined for this?
    Last edited by Determined diva; 14-10-2018 at 9:52 AM.
    Started again 25th December 2017
    Current tracking - 2,338.18/ 18,282.25 to pay off. (14.04.18)
Page 2
    • Determined diva
    • By Determined diva 14th Oct 18, 9:03 PM
    • 641 Posts
    • 2,846 Thanks
    Determined diva
    Hi all

    Sorry I should have said the flat was council owned but I now own it (bought just under 2 years ago)
    Started again 25th December 2017
    Current tracking - 2,338.18/ 18,282.25 to pay off. (14.04.18)
  • archived user
    This is such a tough one. She is your mum which means you love her and want to support her. The truth is though you're enabling her behaviour and it's now impacting your life.

    I think you need to be tough with her. Don't just change the locks, you need to put her straight. Get your key back and tell her you will not support this destructive behaviour anymore. Make it clear that she is only to enter your home or your car with your permission.

    It sounds like you've been an amazing daughter but you need to think about yourself. Don't let her take advantage of your kindness anymore.

    You can support her in other ways. Invite her over for dinner or offer wash her clothes a couple of times a week but don't let her back in.

    Good luck!
    • Kitten868
    • By Kitten868 17th Oct 18, 8:02 PM
    • 1,200 Posts
    • 3,072 Thanks
    How are you doing?
    Loan 1 4900/8000
    Loan 2 2900/5800
    Total 7800/13800 43% PAID

    And CC 1250/1900
    • Feral Moon
    • By Feral Moon 10th Nov 18, 7:59 AM
    • 2,877 Posts
    • 4,519 Thanks
    Feral Moon
    Concerning Council Tax - whatever you do, get her mail stopped. This will be one thing the Council will latch onto to prove that she's living with you, along with the keys - got that lock changed immediately. You will be open to allegations of fraud and doubtless it is against your tenancy agreement to have another person living with you.
    Originally posted by LadyDee
    Can I ask how a council can find out if you have someone else's mail sent to your address, please?
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