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  • FIRST POST
    • Sligo Smokey
    • By Sligo Smokey 10th Jun 18, 1:34 PM
    • 19Posts
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    Sligo Smokey
    Do you gift your grandchildren when one daughter has no children?
    • #1
    • 10th Jun 18, 1:34 PM
    Do you gift your grandchildren when one daughter has no children? 10th Jun 18 at 1:34 PM
    Hi All,
    until now we have only given cash gifts to our children but now that all our cherished grandchildren are nearly teenagers, we are wondering if we should include them.

    Problem is, one daughter and her husband have no children. She said she is quite happy for us to give gifts to our grandchildren but we still feel a little uncomfortable.

    We are a very close-knit family. I would welcome your ideas and explanations, please.

    Thank you,

    grandad sligo
Page 1
    • cyantist
    • By cyantist 11th Jun 18, 12:00 PM
    • 549 Posts
    • 1,108 Thanks
    cyantist
    • #2
    • 11th Jun 18, 12:00 PM
    • #2
    • 11th Jun 18, 12:00 PM
    Cash gifts for what? And about how much are we talking about?

    I don't really understand why you'd feel uncomfortable giving a gift to your grandchildren.
    • sheepy21
    • By sheepy21 14th Jun 18, 12:20 AM
    • 129 Posts
    • 123 Thanks
    sheepy21
    • #3
    • 14th Jun 18, 12:20 AM
    • #3
    • 14th Jun 18, 12:20 AM
    How can it in any way be an issue to give your grandchildren gifts? Bizarre tbh, you can't treat them as less because for some reason one of your children didn't have a child
    • Tom99
    • By Tom99 14th Jun 18, 2:48 AM
    • 2,387 Posts
    • 1,609 Thanks
    Tom99
    • #4
    • 14th Jun 18, 2:48 AM
    • #4
    • 14th Jun 18, 2:48 AM
    I contribute to my grandchildren's JISA each year but my will is still shared equally between children with nothing extra for grandchildren.

    So I suppose £100's is ok and maybe a few £1000's but when it gets to £100,000 more thought is required.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 14th Jun 18, 12:15 PM
    • 4,366 Posts
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    onomatopoeia99
    • #5
    • 14th Jun 18, 12:15 PM
    • #5
    • 14th Jun 18, 12:15 PM
    My parents have two children. My brother has children of his own, I do not. Of course the grandchildren get birthday and Christmas presents. I do not get bonus presents on these occasions due to not having my own children for them to give presents to.

    If you mean other gifts, then if my parents give a non birthday / christmas financial gift they will give to me and my brother, with my brother's said to be intended for the grandchildren. Their wills state an amount (whatever the content of a specific account that has been growing for over 30 years is) split, half divided between the grandchildren and half to me, outside of the main bulk of the estate which will be split equally between my brother and me.

    Basically they make sure both households get the same and don't treat me differently for not having bred. My brother is happy with this, he doesn't expect preferential treatment for his family because he has children.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 14th Jun 18, 1:38 PM
    • 6,630 Posts
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    TBagpuss
    • #6
    • 14th Jun 18, 1:38 PM
    • #6
    • 14th Jun 18, 1:38 PM
    Its your money, so it is up to you how you use it. I don't think giving gifts to grandchildren is unreasonable.

    However, if you would feel uncomfortable giving gifts to you grandchildren because it would mean you were giving more to one child's family than another, or if you are thinking of large gifts in your will, you could simply adjust how the amounts are split.

    e.g. if one child has 2 children of their own, you could chose to give £250 to each grandchild, £500 to their parent, and £1,000 to the childless daughter.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 14th Jun 18, 5:18 PM
    • 10,711 Posts
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    hazyjo
    • #7
    • 14th Jun 18, 5:18 PM
    • #7
    • 14th Jun 18, 5:18 PM
    I'll give you an honest answer from my POV - some may not get it, call me a brat, or shoot me down.

    My sis has 3 kids. I have none. My mum is very generous which is why I feel like a spoilt brat for feeling the way I do.

    I now feel like I'm one of five. All gifts of money get split evenly between my 18 year old nieces and 22 year old nephew and me and my sis. Yes, I DO feel upset about it, and can't help but feel penalised for not having kids. My sis' family are getting 4/5ths of everything. Don't get me wrong, it's not the money, I'd rather she blew the lot. It's just down to an emotional reaction that I can't change.

    My mum thinks of the kids as her own. She does way more for them than their own dad does (and even my sis to some extent). It's like they have two mums. She's there all the time and goes along to everything they ever do.

    She bought all of them nearly-new cars when they passed their tests. My own car is over 10 years old. Not that I expect her to buy me one, same as I don't expect her to buy my nieces/nephew one, but c'est la vie. She got me and my sis cars (30 years ago when we passed tests) so maybe she just thinks it's her duty. Most of my friends are buying their kids old cars.

    Most friends agree with me. One thinks I'm being sensitive, but then her and her sis both have 3 kids each and she's expecting anything to go straight to her kids.

    Anyway, just my view. A friend at work has said when her parents go, they are leaving her and her brother even amounts and 10% to each grandchild. Seemed fair to me.

    Not really looking for others' views on this - not here for myself - just trying to give the OP some insight as to how I feel, although I'm guessing they're not talking about an even split.

    I know part of my niggle is that I wanted kids and didn't have them. If I'd known my mum was going to pay for just about everything for them, look after them for nothing, take them absolutely everywhere they wanted to go and pick them up, and I'd not have to worry about money, I'd have just gone ahead and had one on my own.
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes
    • oystercatcher
    • By oystercatcher 14th Jun 18, 6:31 PM
    • 1,715 Posts
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    oystercatcher
    • #8
    • 14th Jun 18, 6:31 PM
    • #8
    • 14th Jun 18, 6:31 PM
    Surely each grandchild is a separate person to be loved, treated and gifted in their own right, equally. Why should one child effectively get more just because they haven't had children and another child have to divide what they have by two or three to give to their children?

    I have no idea how my parents have written their will and it is their decision but a 50% split between their two children then passed down would then mean their wealth passes to one grandchild as half their estate and to three as one sixth each how is this fair ? Why is the one grandchild worth more than the other three?
    • elsien
    • By elsien 14th Jun 18, 6:38 PM
    • 16,736 Posts
    • 42,224 Thanks
    elsien
    • #9
    • 14th Jun 18, 6:38 PM
    • #9
    • 14th Jun 18, 6:38 PM
    I'm the childfree sibling in this scenario.

    Parents are fair about giving myself and siblings similar amounts. If they then want to gift money to the grandkids as well I'm fine with that. It's their money, they can do what they want with it and the kids have holidays/university costs/cars etc to pay for. TBH I'd be more suprised if they didn't than if they did. It's really not an issue.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • cyantist
    • By cyantist 14th Jun 18, 8:45 PM
    • 549 Posts
    • 1,108 Thanks
    cyantist
    Surely each grandchild is a separate person to be loved, treated and gifted in their own right, equally. Why should one child effectively get more just because they haven't had children and another child have to divide what they have by two or three to give to their children?

    I have no idea how my parents have written their will and it is their decision but a 50% split between their two children then passed down would then mean their wealth passes to one grandchild as half their estate and to three as one sixth each how is this fair ? Why is the one grandchild worth more than the other three?
    Originally posted by oystercatcher
    For gifts I completely agree with the first part. I would find it ludicrous if my parents were to spend 3 times as much on my daughter as her cousins simply because she is our only child.

    However when it comes to wills it's a lot more complicated and you are assuming that wealth will be passed on to the grandchildren. It doesn't have to be. And what happens if say 10% of the estate is left to each grandchild and then another grandchild or two are born and get nothing.

    My parents have 4 grandchildren (currently). Should they write their will to leave me 25% and my sister 75% so that when (and if) it's eventually passed on all grandchildren would end up with the same proportion of the estate?
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 14th Jun 18, 10:40 PM
    • 20,198 Posts
    • 33,469 Thanks
    Spendless
    It's different in my family so some of the previous answers would not apply but mine have always given more to their children than their Grandchildren. To me that makes sense, because the kids own parents should be seeing to their own children.

    Eg if parents give £50 to each of their kids at birthday/christmas then they would give £20 to each grandchild. It wouldn't matter how many grandchildren they were or how they were divided up. Each grandchild would receive the same as another grandchild, but less than the grown up children would. There will sometimes be the odd exception to this. Later this year I don't expect to receive the same amount of money from my parents as a birthday gift as my son did at the beginning of the year because it was his 18th and he received more for that reason. When he passes his driving test, I don't expect my parents to buy him a car, that would be down to us to do so, in the same way my parents helped both me and sis buy their first ones

    It would be the same way with a will, which would name the children but not the grandchildren.
    • PrettyKittyKat
    • By PrettyKittyKat 15th Jun 18, 12:43 AM
    • 490 Posts
    • 460 Thanks
    PrettyKittyKat
    We have quite a large family. Once the next generation came along, which was actually great grandchildren in our case, it was agreed that once someone has children then the the adult stops receiving a gift and the children start receiving instead. This had been discussed a little previously to this my Mum is one of 5 and only 1 sibling has no children. She would always buy for all her nieces and nephews each birthday and christmas so my Mum and other Auntie would always buy her a gift and reaffirm she should not buy them as she had no children to buy for so she got the gift instead. It works for our family, although all may not agree. It was just becoming umanageable with the amount of family members and the cost!

    As it happens for the last two years we actually moved to a secret santa as the grandchildren are all of adult age now and were buying for each other so the numbers and costs were getting silly again! We;ve really enjoyed secret santa which is for adults only, everyone that wants to still buys the children (which is now 5 great grandchildren).
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 15th Jun 18, 12:02 PM
    • 3,807 Posts
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    gettingtheresometime
    My sister has 3 children whereas I have one.


    Each grandchild is given the same amount for Christmas & Birthdays. Each daughter & SIL is also given the same amount.


    This question did come up when mum was writing her will as she was wondering what to do if one daughter died before her. In the end she decided the fairest solution was to share that daughter's share between the relevant grandchildren so in my sister's case her share would be shared between her children whilst mine would go to my son.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - JD Williams
    • PippyLS
    • By PippyLS 7th Jul 18, 6:32 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    PippyLS
    Hi, from myself, also large close knit family. 5 other siblings have children, me and hubby don't. Birthdays every grandchild gets whatever for their birthday and as focus is in the GC it does not come into play in mind.
    Christmas when the whole family is together, my mum hands cash to each child ( not spouse) for the couple, then a lesser amount to each grandchild.
    My and hubby get same as the grandchildren for our cats ( we have 2). I think it's because mom and dad don't want us to feel left out. We appreciate the gesture and usually ends in our holiday pot !!!55357;!!!56832;
    • Kynthia
    • By Kynthia 11th Jul 18, 6:44 PM
    • 5,186 Posts
    • 7,238 Thanks
    Kynthia
    Standard gifts are individual (birthday/christmas/graduation/etc), so it doesn't matter how many children. I personally think parents should leave their wealth equally to their children, not grandchildren, and then it's up to the children whether they pass on any to their children either as a gift or through a dead of variation with the will.

    The trickier part is deciding how to treat large gifts and regular financial help. So more than standards presents but less than redistributing their wealth including before their wealth. Is it done per person, by need, or per child's household? It can be argued any of those ways, even different ones at different times so there isn't one right answer. Finding out if your children have strong views one way or another is a start but at the end of the day even your children don't have the right to say how you spend your money. So it may be a balance between what you feel is fair and what you feel will cause the least resentment.
    Last edited by Kynthia; 11-07-2018 at 6:56 PM.
    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
    • newatc
    • By newatc 11th Jul 18, 10:34 PM
    • 260 Posts
    • 297 Thanks
    newatc
    I give my grandchildren birthday and Xmas money along with my 3 children, I must admit I have never given it a thought about giving my one child who has no children extra to compensate. Arguably those with children need more though that plays no part in my gift policy. I have never heard or detected any resentment.
    Eventually our estate will be divided between our three children.
    • JWM
    • By JWM 16th Jul 18, 1:21 PM
    • 303 Posts
    • 497 Thanks
    JWM
    Basically they make sure both households get the same and don't treat me differently for not having bred.
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99

    Bred??

    Don't animals breed whilst human beings have families?
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 17th Jul 18, 1:45 PM
    • 2,887 Posts
    • 7,715 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    We have quite a large family. Once the next generation came along, which was actually great grandchildren in our case, it was agreed that once someone has children then the the adult stops receiving a gift and the children start receiving instead. This had been discussed a little previously to this my Mum is one of 5 and only 1 sibling has no children. She would always buy for all her nieces and nephews each birthday and christmas so my Mum and other Auntie would always buy her a gift and reaffirm she should not buy them as she had no children to buy for so she got the gift instead. It works for our family, although all may not agree. It was just becoming umanageable with the amount of family members and the cost!
    Originally posted by PrettyKittyKat
    As a child free auntie, I would hate that. I would feel totally patronised as though I was still considered to be on the level of the children, or not quite an adult because I hadnít wanted children.

    I just think keep it simple. Treat your adult children as youíve always treated them, and view the new grandchildren just as they are, as new family members in their own right not extensions of their parents.

    If some adjusting needs to be done for financial reasons, just keep it proportional.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 17th Jul 18, 1:46 PM
    • 2,887 Posts
    • 7,715 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    Bred??

    Don't animals breed whilst human beings have families?
    Originally posted by JWM
    Humans are animals. Breed, reproduce, procreate, start a family, it all means the same thing
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