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  • FIRST POST
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 10th May 18, 8:44 AM
    • 2,444Posts
    • 8,828Thanks
    Oakdene
    Single Dad needing advice....
    • #1
    • 10th May 18, 8:44 AM
    Single Dad needing advice.... 10th May 18 at 8:44 AM
    As some of you will know, I am a full time single Dad to my 13 year old daughter who was kicked out by her Mum (after our divorce) due to her not getting on with her Mums new partner. They still don't get on as a Mum & daughter should. We are incredibly close, as I am with my son who still lives with his Mum (same Mum as his sister). Anyways...

    My daughter started her periods quite early, I think it was just before she was 11 & she has developed more than her the majority of her main circle of friends, but being an August baby she is the youngest of her circle & certainly one of the youngest of her year.

    She has always had long hair down her back & she surprised me earlier this year when she asked if she could have it cut short to something like this http://pophaircuts.com/images/2012/11/Emma-Watson-Cute-Short-Straight-Haircuts.jpg so once I was sure she wanted this I said ok. She has kept it short & I think it does look nice as I have grown to like it.

    However yesterday I gave her a cwtch & as I placed my arm on her back I could feel like a lump, I asked her what it was & she panicked & said it was nothing. I knew from her reaction that it was something & I asked her again what it was. She told me it was a bandage. Horrified I asked what had happened, was she injured? She said she wasn't hurt or anything. I asked her to take it off, so she went to her room & took it off & brought it back to me. I asked her why she was wearing it & eventually she told me she did it to flatten her breasts down. I was flabbergasted & asked her why she would do such a thing (not somethingI have encountered before apart from ノponine in Les Mis!rables). She didn't answer, so we sat & spoke for a while & I tried to probe by asking different questions but the only thing she said was it was because she feels more developed than her friends.

    She is doing well in school & has worked hard to get to the top set of all her subjects, she is excelling in English (I have been told by her teacher how well she is doing), so there isn't an issue with her academic work.

    I feel upset that she felt she couldn't or wouldn't talk to me but am looking for advice on why she would do this or how I can help as I feel a little useless as a single Dad...
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio地 ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.


Page 1
    • elsien
    • By elsien 10th May 18, 8:49 AM
    • 17,127 Posts
    • 43,188 Thanks
    elsien
    • #2
    • 10th May 18, 8:49 AM
    • #2
    • 10th May 18, 8:49 AM
    My first thought is does she wear properly fitted bras or is the bandage an alternative to this? It can be embarrassing to be the first girl in a class to wear one but they don't all produce the cleavage effect and with a bit of support her breasts might be less obvious especially if without support they're wobbling a bit.

    ETA
    Does she have any aunties she could talk to in the first instance - I used to stay with my dad over the long summer holidays and this is the type of conversation that I just couldn't have brought myself to have with him at that age. So although you want to help her, as her dad, it might be that you do that by giving her s bitbof space and finding her support somewhere else for now.
    Last edited by elsien; 10-05-2018 at 8:55 AM.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 10th May 18, 8:52 AM
    • 2,444 Posts
    • 8,828 Thanks
    Oakdene
    • #3
    • 10th May 18, 8:52 AM
    • #3
    • 10th May 18, 8:52 AM
    My first thought is does she wear properly fitted bras or is the bandage an alternative to this? It can be embarrassing to be the first girl in a class to wear one but they don't all produce the cleavage effect and with a bit of support her breasts might be less obvious especially if without support they're wobbling a bit.
    Originally posted by elsien
    She does wear fitted cup bras (I think that's the right terminology). I always ask her if they are still fitting etc & if she needs bigger bras or a different type.
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio地 ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.


    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 10th May 18, 8:56 AM
    • 24,654 Posts
    • 64,430 Thanks
    pollypenny
    • #4
    • 10th May 18, 8:56 AM
    • #4
    • 10th May 18, 8:56 AM
    Is there a particular teacher that she gets on with very well? She might be a source of advice or even venting.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • ViolaLass
    • By ViolaLass 10th May 18, 8:58 AM
    • 5,434 Posts
    • 7,488 Thanks
    ViolaLass
    • #5
    • 10th May 18, 8:58 AM
    • #5
    • 10th May 18, 8:58 AM
    She does wear fitted cup bras (I think that's the right terminology). I always ask her if they are still fitting etc & if she needs bigger bras or a different type.
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    Has she been properly fitted? She may well not know whether she's in the right size, a lot of women don't.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 10th May 18, 9:03 AM
    • 2,444 Posts
    • 8,828 Thanks
    Oakdene
    • #6
    • 10th May 18, 9:03 AM
    • #6
    • 10th May 18, 9:03 AM
    Is there a particular teacher that she gets on with very well? She might be a source of advice or even venting.
    Originally posted by pollypenny
    I would say, if any, her English teacher but only because she seems to be the teacher she talks about mostly. Her work in English has gone from level 5 to level 8 in this academic year alone. Do you think perhaps I should ask to speak to the teacher?
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio地 ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.


    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 10th May 18, 9:04 AM
    • 2,444 Posts
    • 8,828 Thanks
    Oakdene
    • #7
    • 10th May 18, 9:04 AM
    • #7
    • 10th May 18, 9:04 AM
    Has she been properly fitted? She may well not know whether she's in the right size, a lot of women don't.
    Originally posted by ViolaLass
    She has been with my Mum to buy bras but perhaps getting properly fitted & measured could be something to try.
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio地 ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.


    • izoomzoom
    • By izoomzoom 10th May 18, 9:16 AM
    • 1,429 Posts
    • 1,994 Thanks
    izoomzoom
    • #8
    • 10th May 18, 9:16 AM
    • #8
    • 10th May 18, 9:16 AM
    She has been with my Mum to buy bras but perhaps getting properly fitted & measured could be something to try.
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    Is she close to your Mum? Hopefully that is a safe avenue for her to access.
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    • ViolaLass
    • By ViolaLass 10th May 18, 9:18 AM
    • 5,434 Posts
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    ViolaLass
    • #9
    • 10th May 18, 9:18 AM
    • #9
    • 10th May 18, 9:18 AM
    She has been with my Mum to buy bras but perhaps getting properly fitted & measured could be something to try.
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    Even if your mum got her the right size, she's growing and changing a lot at this age. Wouldn't do any harm to get her properly fitted every 6-12 months.

    Also, does she do any sport? Has she got a good sports bra?

    If she's a DD or bigger, Bravissimo are fantastic.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 10th May 18, 9:20 AM
    • 2,444 Posts
    • 8,828 Thanks
    Oakdene
    Is she close to your Mum? Hopefully that is a safe avenue for her to access.
    Originally posted by izoomzoom
    She is close to all of me, my Mum & my Dad, she has in the past kind of picked the person to talk to if something is on her mind if that makes sense?

    Even if your mum got her the right size, she's growing and changing a lot at this age. Wouldn't do any harm to get her properly fitted every 6-12 months.

    Also, does she do any sport? Has she got a good sports bra?

    If she's a DD or bigger, Bravissimo are fantastic.
    Originally posted by ViolaLass
    She does play rugby & she has a good sports bra for that, but I will check with her to see if it's still fitting. I will take her to get fitted one day after school.
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio地 ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.


    • Blondetotty
    • By Blondetotty 10th May 18, 9:24 AM
    • 187 Posts
    • 187 Thanks
    Blondetotty
    Gosh I really feel for you. I had an incredibly good relationship with my Dad when I was younger too and he was cool about going out and buying my tampons or towels and I could discuss a lot with him but at the end of the day if it was female related I'd prefer mum. If she hasn't got that good a relationship I'd echo what a previous poster said and ask does she have a close relationship with any aunts etc first?


    If not, have you thought about maybe taking her shopping, hitting all the usual teenage shops and having a fun day out and also gently steering her into Debenhams or M&S and getting her measured during that trip? If it's part of a day out with her Dad maybe it wouldn't be as mortifying as a direct mission to get her measured and fitted. I know if my Dad had taken me straight to get measured up I'd have died but on one of those days out with him and knowing I'd be headed to BK afterwards it wouldn't have been such a bother. Kinda bribery and distraction but I know it would have worked for me!


    It could also be more than just simply bra sizing. A friends teenage daughter is now living as her son (fortunately he has very accepting parents) so just be aware it might be more than simply developing quicker than her friends. I've no idea how you'd start this conversation though. My friends, now son, just came out with it one day out of the blue after having had a girlie day out with his mum. I'm still finding it difficult to remember to say he, not she so imagine how difficult it was for him to bring it up with his parents.


    Good luck
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 10th May 18, 9:32 AM
    • 2,444 Posts
    • 8,828 Thanks
    Oakdene
    Gosh I really feel for you. I had an incredibly good relationship with my Dad when I was younger too and he was cool about going out and buying my tampons or towels and I could discuss a lot with him but at the end of the day if it was female related I'd prefer mum. If she hasn't got that good a relationship I'd echo what a previous poster said and ask does she have a close relationship with any aunts etc first?
    Originally posted by Blondetotty
    We have an increidble relationship normally, like your Dad I go out & buy the sanitary products etc. I am an only child so she doesn't have any Aunts on my side (actually my ex wife only has a bother) so she doesn't have any Aunts.

    If not, have you thought about maybe taking her shopping, hitting all the usual teenage shops and having a fun day out and also gently steering her into Debenhams or M&S and getting her measured during that trip? If it's part of a day out with her Dad maybe it wouldn't be as mortifying as a direct mission to get her measured and fitted. I know if my Dad had taken me straight to get measured up I'd have died but on one of those days out with him and knowing I'd be headed to BK afterwards it wouldn't have been such a bother. Kinda bribery and distraction but I know it would have worked for me!
    Originally posted by Blondetotty
    This could be a good idea, we tend to do shopping & days out when my son is with us so it's kind of not easy to do then... Perhaps this could be done after school one evening & then we go for a bit of food as you suggest.


    It could also be more than just simply bra sizing. A friends teenage daughter is now living as her son (fortunately he has very accepting parents) so just be aware it might be more than simply developing quicker than her friends. I've no idea how you'd start this conversation though. My friends, now son, just came out with it one day out of the blue after having had a girlie day out with his mum. I'm still finding it difficult to remember to say he, not she so imagine how difficult it was for him to bring it up with his parents.
    Good luck
    Originally posted by Blondetotty
    This is something I spent a lot of time thinking about last night as I tossed & turned & could be possibly something I could speak to the school about in a delicate kind of way. I did even go to the extreme & wonder whether she was trying to be more of a boy to fit in with her Mum... When I dropped my son off at his Mum's she gave him a big hug & kiss & didn'f offer anything to my daughter.
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio地 ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.


    • standyby
    • By standyby 10th May 18, 9:33 AM
    • 2 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    standyby
    As a transguy I know a thing or two about breast binding - although I'm in no way implying your child might be transgender, their reason for wanting to bind sounds completely valid to me. Can I suggest though that you arm yourself with information by googling 'FTM safe binding', using bandages isn't safe and can cause injury.

    Sports bras give the appearance of a flatter chest than regular bras will and there are also minimiser bras. As others have said, getting measured and wearing the correct size will help, stores like M&S have someone who can measure and advise.

    I should also mention that there are specially designed chest binders available, but these aren't cheap and probably not necessary in this case, however reputable companies would be Underworks, GC2B and Spectrum Outfitters.
    • standyby
    • By standyby 10th May 18, 9:43 AM
    • 2 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    standyby
    This is something I spent a lot of time thinking about last night as I tossed & turned & could be possibly something I could speak to the school about in a delicate kind of way. I did even go to the extreme & wonder whether she was trying to be more of a boy to fit in with her Mum... When I dropped my son off at his Mum's she gave him a big hug & kiss & didn'f offer anything to my daughter.
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    Feel free to message me if you want, but general advice would be that this is something they should be allowed space to work out in their own time. The best thing you could do is to speak positively about LGBT people and issues around them so they know you are aware and accepting. And assurance that you love and support them in any circumstances, is never a bad thing for a child to hear.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 10th May 18, 9:50 AM
    • 2,444 Posts
    • 8,828 Thanks
    Oakdene
    Feel free to message me if you want, but general advice would be that this is something they should be allowed space to work out in their own time. The best thing you could do is to speak positively about LGBT people and issues around them so they know you are aware and accepting. And assurance that you love and support them in any circumstances, is never a bad thing for a child to hear.
    Originally posted by standyby
    Thank you for the offer, I am (or I would like to think I am) very laid back as a person & I do have a fair few friends who are LGBT so there is no issue there for me.

    I did ask my daughter if she felt more attracted to girls than boys & whilst she said no I wasn't 100% convinced however I did reassure her that I didn't care who she felt attracted to as long as she was happy.
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio地 ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.


    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 10th May 18, 10:23 AM
    • 1,274 Posts
    • 4,653 Thanks
    lika_86
    Is it possible that she is being picked on by boys over it? At that age I remember immature boys picking up on the first girls to wear proper bras and twanging (or worse) trying to undo bra straps.
  • archived user
    so we sat & spoke for a while & I tried to probe by asking different questions but the only thing she said was it was because she feels more developed than her friends.
    Is she more developed than her friends? I'm just wondering if she is exploring her sexuality and using that as an excuse?

    Either way, this is something she needs to do by herself.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 10th May 18, 10:33 AM
    • 2,444 Posts
    • 8,828 Thanks
    Oakdene
    Is it possible that she is being picked on by boys over it? At that age I remember immature boys picking up on the first girls to wear proper bras and twanging (or worse) trying to undo bra straps.
    Originally posted by lika_86
    I didn't ask this (must admit I didn't think of this specifically) but I did ask if there was any bullying & she said there wasn't though I will ask her if there is an issue with twanging or people trying to undo...
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio地 ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.


    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 10th May 18, 10:33 AM
    • 5,317 Posts
    • 8,709 Thanks
    Gavin83
    It could also be more than just simply bra sizing. A friends teenage daughter is now living as her son (fortunately he has very accepting parents) so just be aware it might be more than simply developing quicker than her friends. I've no idea how you'd start this conversation though. My friends, now son, just came out with it one day out of the blue after having had a girlie day out with his mum. I'm still finding it difficult to remember to say he, not she so imagine how difficult it was for him to bring it up with his parents.
    Originally posted by Blondetotty
    I have to be honest this was my first thought too, maybe because like you I know someone this has happened to recently.

    Does she make any other attempts to look more 'boyish' such as in what she chooses to wear?

    If this is the case I don't think there is anything else you can do. She'll discuss it when shes ready, all you can really do is be there, listen and make it clear it won't be a problem.
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 10th May 18, 10:34 AM
    • 2,444 Posts
    • 8,828 Thanks
    Oakdene
    Is she more developed than her friends? I'm just wondering if she is exploring her sexuality and using that as an excuse?

    Either way, this is something she needs to do by herself.
    Originally posted by Judi
    I would say, when I've seen her normal circle of friends, that she is more developed than her friends but as you say she may well be exploring her sexuality which is something I have no issue with at all.
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio地 ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.


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